[
    {
        "body": "Now I have to say \"Leroy can you please paint the fence?\"",
        "id": "5tz52q",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "I hate how you cant even say black paint anymore"
    },
    {
        "body": "Pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven .\n\nI'm so sorry.",
        "id": "5tz4dd",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What's the difference between a Jew in Nazi Germany and pizza ?"
    },
    {
        "body": "...and being there really helped me learn about American culture. So I visited a shop and as I was leaving, the Shopkeeper said \"Have a nice day!\" But I didn't so I sued him.",
        "id": "5tz319",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "I recently went to America...."
    },
    {
        "body": "A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, \u201cWhere is Jesus today?\u201d\nBrian raises his hand and says, \u201cHe\u2019s in Heaven.\u201d\n\nSusan answers, \u201cHe\u2019s in my heart.\u201d\n\nLittle Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, \u201cHe\u2019s in our bathroom!\u201d\n\nThe teacher is surprised by this answer and asks Little Johnny how he knows this.\n\n\u201cWell,\u201d Little Johnny says, \u201cevery morning, my Dad gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells \u2018Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'\u201d",
        "id": "5tz2wj",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Brian raises his hand and says, \u201cHe\u2019s in Heaven.\u201d"
    },
    {
        "body": "He got caught trying to sell the two books to a freshman.",
        "id": "5tz1pc",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "You hear about the University book store worker who was charged for stealing $20,000 worth of books?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Because the p is silent.",
        "id": "5tz1o1",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Why is it unknown on how pterodactyls urinate especially during flight?"
    },
    {
        "body": "To avoid leaving tracks like a snail while walking.",
        "id": "5tz0ef",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Why women need legs?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Apparently \"Whatever's low in cholesterol\" was not the right answer.",
        "id": "5tz04j",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "I walked into a PETA adoption center and the receptionist asked me what kind of dog I wanted"
    },
    {
        "body": "Character actors!",
        "id": "5tz02q",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "How did TV studios make words appear on screen before computers?"
    },
    {
        "body": "You follow his fresh prints. ",
        "id": "5tz02h",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "How do you find Will Smith in the snow?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I always thought they were gunna hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.",
        "id": "5tyzxh",
        "score": 15,
        "title": "Remember when you were a kid and when you cried your parents said, \"I'll give you a reason to cry\"?"
    },
    {
        "body": "... Anal Destiny.",
        "id": "5tyzx4",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Remember, you can't spell Valentine's Day without..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Oh and it's also Valentines day",
        "id": "5tyze2",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Happy try not to jump off a bridge day!"
    },
    {
        "body": "I said, \"I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track.\"",
        "id": "5tyytx",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "My boss said to me, \"you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?\""
    },
    {
        "body": "cuz all they do is Tweet",
        "id": "5tyyo2",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "If I get a bird I'm naming it Trump"
    },
    {
        "body": "But my back was sore and I couldn't reach.",
        "id": "5tyxrb",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "I was going to get a headjob for Valentines Day"
    },
    {
        "body": "When she woke up after 6 months and 3 days, the doctor told the mother: \"While you were in a coma, we had your brother name your children. One is a boy, one is a girl.\"\n\nThe mother, with a disappointed and angry look on her face told the doctor: \"Why my brother? That guy is an idiot. So what did he name them?\"\n\nThe mother, expecting hideous names, prepared herself.\n\n\"The girl, was named Denise.\" The mother thought, \"Hey that wasn't so bad. What about my boy?\"\n\nThe doctor said, \"Denephew\".",
        "id": "5tyx6v",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "A mother went into a coma after giving birth to twins"
    },
    {
        "body": "An epileptical. ",
        "id": "5tywci",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "What do you call an exercise machine with a strobe light?"
    },
    {
        "body": "...and a lifetime ban from the local zoo. ",
        "id": "5tyt6c",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "My dad has a heart of a lion"
    },
    {
        "body": "But the bigger, heavier ones are delivered by a crane. ",
        "id": "5tyqqw",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "Smaller babies may be delivered by a stork."
    },
    {
        "body": "Welcome to India",
        "id": "5tyqqi",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "A monkey is getting stoned in a zoo..."
    },
    {
        "body": "A young boy says to his father \"Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you.\"\n\n\"What happened?\" The father asks.\n\n\"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' \"\n\n\"Indeed, what is the difference?\" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''\n\nThe next day, the boy comes home from school \"Dad, have you gone by the school?\" He asks.\n\n\"Not yet.\"\n\n\"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also.\"\n\n\"Why?\" asks the father.\n\nThe boy explains, \"Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'\"\n\n\"Exactly,\" says the father. \"Alright, I'll come.\"\n\nThe next day, the boy asks his father \"Did you go to the school?\"\n\n\"No, not yet.\"\n\n\"Don't bother, I got expelled.\"\n\nSurprised, the father asks \"Why did you get expelled?\"\n\n\"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher.\"\n\n\"The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?\" asks the father.\n\n\"That's what I said\" replied the boy.",
        "id": "5tyqag",
        "score": 62,
        "title": "I've translated a popular Russian joke to English , wanna hear you reaction ))"
    },
    {
        "body": "I dont have any, go ask your fava",
        "id": "5tymmf",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "What did the mommy bean say to her son when he asked for money?"
    },
    {
        "body": "And save $300 instantly.",
        "id": "5tymff",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "When You Break Up At 11:59 Tonight"
    },
    {
        "body": "But I can't A4'd it.",
        "id": "5tylhy",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "I wanted to buy an Audi."
    },
    {
        "body": "It's about a girl with amnesia talking to her Grandmother.\nThe lyrics are \"Oh, Nana, What's My Name?\"",
        "id": "5tyl5a",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "I'm Trying to Remember The Name of A Song"
    },
    {
        "body": "Lesser people. ",
        "id": "5tykxd",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What are minorities?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Because all of his cells have built a wall.",
        "id": "5tyk3b",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "Did you hear that Donald Trump is technically a plant?"
    },
    {
        "body": "my neck was stiff for 4 hours",
        "id": "5tyj4u",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "i had trouble swallowing a viagra last night"
    },
    {
        "body": "The Ruler",
        "id": "5tyii8",
        "score": 11,
        "title": "What is the king of all school supplies?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Since he was permanently disfigured, he decided to give up playing rugby for good.\n\n His club and insurance company ensured that a large sum of money went his way.\n\nOne day, he decided to invest his money in a small but growing sportswear business. \n\nHe bought the company outright but after signing on the dotted line, realized that he knew nothing about business. \n\nHe decided to employ someone to run the shop.\n\nThe next day he set up three interviews. \n\nThe first guy was great. \n\nHe knew everything he needed to and was very enthusiastic. \n\nAt the end of the interview, the former rugby player asked him, \u201cDo you notice anything different about me?\u201d\n\nAnd the man replied, \u201cWhy, yes, I couldn\u2019t help noticing you have no ears.\u201d \n\nThe rugby player got angry and threw him out.\n\nThe second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. \n\nHe asked her the same question, \u201cDo you notice anything different about me?\u201d\n\nShe replied: \u201cWell, you have no ears.\u201d \n\nHe got upset again and showed her the door.\n\nThe third and last interview was with the best of the three. \n\nHe was a very young man fresh out of college. \n\nHe was smart and handsome and seemed to know all about the sportswear business.\n\nThe rugby player was anxious, but went ahead and asked him the same question: \u201cDo you notice anything different about me?\u201d\n\nTo his surprise the young man answered: \u201cYes, you wear contact lenses.\u201d\n\nThe former rugby player was shocked, and said, \u201cWhat an incredibly observant young man you are. How in the world did you know that?\u201d\n\nThe young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, \u201cWell, it\u2019s pretty hard to wear glasses with no flipping ears!\u201d",
        "id": "5tygzy",
        "score": 12,
        "title": "A rugby player was hurt very badly during a scrum and he had both of his ears ripped off..."
    },
    {
        "body": "A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.\n\nShe opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.\n\nA little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.\n\nAs the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.\n\nPuzzled by her actions the man asked her, \u201cIs something wrong?\u201d\n\nTo which she replied, \u201cThere certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, \u201cYOU\u2019VE GOT MAIL!\u201d",
        "id": "5tygyu",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female !!"
    },
    {
        "body": "A woman runs into a doctor\u2019s office and says \u201cDOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!\u201d\n\nThe doctor replied, \u201cShow me.\u201d\n\nSo the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again.\n\nShe was about to continue when the doctor said, \u201cThat\u2019s enough, let me think this over.\u201d He thought for about a minute and said \u201cI think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.\u201d",
        "id": "5tygq5",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "A woman runs into a doctor\u2019s office and says \u201cDOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!\u201d"
    },
    {
        "body": "Because interest in the Bond is so low.",
        "id": "5tyfyh",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "Why did the producers of 007 films use government debt to fund their newest film?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Happy pocket empty day.",
        "id": "5tyfoj",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Pocket empty day !"
    },
    {
        "body": "\u2026but she probably isn't available.",
        "id": "5tyf21",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "I want to see that new movie coming out with Scarlett Johannson\u2026"
    },
    {
        "body": "He has no compass and he has lost his sense of direction. \n\nSuddenly he sees a caravan on the horizon. He jumps, shouts and waves his arms to get their attention, and, oh joy, they notice him and move in his direction. \n\nBut his happiness is short lived, as the travelers turn out to be mean and sadistic. They rough him up, and then bury him in the sand with only his head above the surface.\n\nHe grimly contemplates whether he'll die of sun stroke, dehydration or from attack of some savage beast. Suddenly, a lone traveler appears in front of him and inquires about his predicament. \n\n**You see, first I got lost, without a compass and provisions. Then I encountered these sadists, who beaten me up, bury me this way and left... Can you believe such behavior?**\n\n**Tsk, tsk...** says the traveler, as he puts his foot on top of the man's head and pushes it under the surface **Amateurs, such amateurs...**",
        "id": "5tyezd",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "Man gets lost in the desert."
    },
    {
        "body": "You have to drop the Bomb twice before she gets the Message. \n",
        "id": "5tyess",
        "score": 37,
        "title": "Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese Girl?"
    },
    {
        "body": "All that is left after tens of snowmen were brutally melted on this spot by a massive indifferent ball of fire.",
        "id": "5tyegn",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Site of the 2017 Dane county massacre."
    },
    {
        "body": "A small child asks his father:\n\nBoy: Dad, where did I come from?\n\nDad: The Stork, son.\n\nBoy: what's wrong with you dad? Your wife is so gorgeous yet you're out fucking The Stork?",
        "id": "5tyef7",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "He fucked what?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I told her she should try the kitchen",
        "id": "5tyeec",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "My wife wants to eat somewhere shes never eaten before for V-Day"
    },
    {
        "body": "In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.",
        "id": "5tydto",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "I was offered sex with a 21 yr old today"
    },
    {
        "body": "\"The other day I touched my husband's balls and realized that they are cold. Never noticed before!\" - says the first. \n\nNext day the second woman tells to the others:\n\n\"That's true! I touched my husband's balls and they are also cold. It's curious.\" \n\nNext day the third woman appears with her eye blacked. \n\n\"What happened?\" - her friends wonder.\n\n\"Well, I touched my husband's balls and then asked him why his balls are warm but all other men have them cold.\"",
        "id": "5tydjg",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "3 women talk"
    },
    {
        "body": "The ones who bang on the wall, And the ones who bang on the wall because I'm banging my girlfriend on the wall",
        "id": "5tydi6",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "There are two types of people"
    },
    {
        "body": "Someone stepped on its mouse.",
        "id": "5tyd57",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "Why did the computer squeak?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Your moms bed.",
        "id": "5tycln",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "i found a place where the recycling rate is 98%."
    },
    {
        "body": "My wife sat down on the couch  next to me as I was flipping channels.\nShe asked, 'What's on TV?'  \nI said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started....\n\nMy wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3 seconds.'\n\nI bought her a weighing scale. And then the fight started....\n \n\nWhen I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.\n\nSo I took her to a petrol pump. And then the fight started....\n  \nMy wife was standing & looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, 'I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to give me a compliment.\"\n\nI replied, \"Your eyesight is perfect.\" And then the fight started....\n  \nI asked my wife, \"Where do you want to go for our anniversary?\"\nIt warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.\n\"Somewhere I've not been in a long time.\"\n\nSo I took her to my parents' house. And then the fight started....\n",
        "id": "5tybk6",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "Valentine's day fights"
    },
    {
        "body": "She died a virgin but she sure wasn't buried one",
        "id": "5tybdq",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "I feel so bad for the necrophiliac's sister"
    },
    {
        "body": "A Calendar has a date on Valentine's day.",
        "id": "5tybdd",
        "score": 14,
        "title": "What's the difference between you and a Calendar?"
    },
    {
        "body": "He tried to make eggs.   He broke the yoke.\n\nYoke! Oh! Oh no!",
        "id": "5tyanf",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Julian Lennon messed up breakfast"
    },
    {
        "body": "'Hello!?'\n\n'Hey! Honey, you wouldn't believe the day I'm having right now, I lost my phone!'\n\n'Hello, I'm not your wife, I'm Cecelia, your new maid!'\n\n'Oh! That's great! Welcome! I'm having a crazy day right now, can you please hand the phone to my wife?'\n\n'I would but she just locked her room and went in with another man!'\n\n'What!! That's a disaster! As if this day wouldn't get worse!! All these years, all this love for this day! I can't bear this anymore'\n\n'I'm really sorry to hear that!'\n\n'Don't be sorry, it's not your fault! I need a moment to think but time is running out! Do one thing... In the drawer below the phone there's a gun!'\n\n'What!! I won't do anything stupid!!'\n\n'No.. You don't understand.. I'm very rich and powerful.. No one can touch you and I'll pay you a million!'\n\n'But...'\n\n'I'll pay you two million but you have to be quick about it, he shouldn't get away!'\n\n'Okay..'\n\n\nCecelia steps away and there are two bangs that are heard.\n\n\n'I've done it'\n\n'Excellent! Now throw the bodies in the empty pool at the back and I'll take care of them when I get back'\n\n'What pool!???'\n\n'Umm.. Is this 852236709?'",
        "id": "5tyajc",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "A guy calls home"
    },
    {
        "body": "This post.",
        "id": "5tyabb",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "I found a place where the recycling rate is 100%"
    },
    {
        "body": "I'm a dog.\n\nHappy Valentine's Day!",
        "id": "5ty9jc",
        "score": 11,
        "title": "Roses are gray. Violets are gray."
    },
    {
        "body": "Don't worry, we have our Trump card.",
        "id": "5ty9am",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "I hear the Mexicans are planning an attack on America"
    },
    {
        "body": "They said thank you. I said don't mention it.",
        "id": "5ty7fl",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "I bought my friend an elephant for their room."
    },
    {
        "body": "But I'm laughing braces I just farted. ",
        "id": "5ty56m",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "You're laughing because I'm laughing."
    },
    {
        "body": "She said \"Honey, we've been married for 7 years. I think you have amnesia.\"",
        "id": "5ty3r5",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "This guy proposed to his wife after walking away from a terrible car accident without a scratch. He said \"Life's too short and it can end at any time.\""
    },
    {
        "body": "But only once",
        "id": "5ty39a",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "TIL you can drink lava"
    },
    {
        "body": "Houston we have a problem...OK what is it? If you don't know already I am not going to tell you. You wouldn't understand.",
        "id": "5ty36v",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "First woman on mars."
    },
    {
        "body": "I give you, \"The Lamb That Thyme Forgot\" ",
        "id": "5ty2u6",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Recipe idea: rosemary and thyme lamb, without the thyme."
    },
    {
        "body": "Jos\u00e9 and Hose B.",
        "id": "5ty2qy",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "What are the two most common names of Mexican fire-fighter?"
    },
    {
        "body": "... and he said \"Fuck the Police\"",
        "id": "5ty263",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "Ice Cube was asked if there was a rock band from the 80's of which he would have sex with all the members of..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Apparently using the words \"Never opened\" is no good, when trying to sell a parachute..",
        "id": "5ty1st",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Bad Advertisement"
    },
    {
        "body": "Cacti are thorny\n\nI just can't help that\n\nYou make me horny",
        "id": "5ty14u",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "Roses are red."
    },
    {
        "body": "And they are very private. Ever since they were young they wouldn't talk about sex publicly, but instead developed a code phrase: Doing a load of laundry. \n\nOne night they are out at the pub, having a couple drinks, and Seamus turns to Mary and asks \"D'ya fancy going home and doing a load of laundry?\"\n\nMary looks at Seamus and says \"you know that sounds lovely. Let's do.\"\n\nThey finish their drinks and head home together. \n\nAt home they are sitting in front of the fire, Seamus smoking his pipe and Mary with her knitting. Seamus asks \"Mary? D'ya still fancy that load of laundry?\" \n\nMary looks at Seamus and says \"aye I do, I really do. Let me just finish my knitting.\"\n\nSo Seamus gets up and heads to the bed room. \n\nMary keeps knitting and forgets all about Seamus. \n\nAfter an hour she realizes she forgot and jumps up and rushes to the bedroom. \"Seamus?\" Mary asks, \"D'ya still fancy doing a load of laundry?\"\n\nFrom under the covers Seamus replies \n\n\"Y'know, Mary, it was a small load, so I did it by hand.\"",
        "id": "5ty0wy",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "So Seamus and Mary are an elderly couple"
    },
    {
        "body": "It's all just flake news.",
        "id": "5txziy",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "These reports of a major snowstorm hitting the Northeast don't concern me."
    },
    {
        "body": "A young Native American boy goes up to the chief of his tribe and asks \"Chief, how did we get our names?\"\n\nThe Chief looked at the boy and said \"Oh, that's simple. All parents in our tribe named their children after something that was occurring during their birth. For example, Snowflake was born during a great blizzard. Ember was born during a raging wildfire.\n\nWhy do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?\"",
        "id": "5txzbr",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Why do you ask?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Yep, that's the joke. Funny how reality has become a joke. ",
        "id": "5txyle",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Those ads actually ran."
    },
    {
        "body": "Customers who wish to purchase an item must use code-phrases to avoid the authorities' suspicion.\n\nOne night a blind man stops by the stand.\n\n\"What would you like to purchase today?\" asks the cashier.\n\n\"Oh, nothing\" the blind man says, \"I was just *looking* around!\"\n\nAn few hours later, a deaf man approaches the stand.  The cashier realizes he can't hear him, and uses sign-language to ask what he'd like to purchase.\n\n\"Well, I *heard* you guys are having a sale!\" the deaf man states with a wink and a nudge.\n\nFinally, just before that night's closing time, a muscular man with no apparent disability walks up to the stand.  The cashier asks what he'd like to purchase.\n\n\"I don't know ... I heard you guys sold *cherries*!\" the man states with a look of subtle expectation.\n\nThe cashier, despite going through his mental checklist of code-phrases, has no idea what he wants.\n\n\"I'm sorry, we've sold-out on that item.\" the cashier says with a puzzled stare.\n\n\"Ah *motherfucking* christ!\" the man screams in pseudo-frustration.  However, the cashier just stands there with an agitated face.\n\nThe customer, realizing his attempts aren't getting through to the employee, tries a different approach.\n\n\"Well, that's a darn shame!\" he continues. \n\"And I travelled across the entire *count-*\" \n\nThe man coughs.\n\n\"-ry to get here!\"\n",
        "id": "5txxuo",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "There's a bizarre black-market concession stand in North America which sells only human body parts"
    },
    {
        "body": "Should have cooked it on aloha temperature ",
        "id": "5txxsu",
        "score": 54,
        "title": "Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today"
    },
    {
        "body": "Because its full of Arab semen.",
        "id": "5txxq7",
        "score": 12,
        "title": "Why is the camel called the ship of the desert?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.\n\n'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.' \n\nThe redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.\n\nThe doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' \n\n'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'",
        "id": "5txwsv",
        "score": 13,
        "title": "A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Yeah I figured you wouldn't know.",
        "id": "5txvq7",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "What does a women say after having 3 orgasms in a row?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Clearly those people love to live in constant fear of disaster.",
        "id": "5txvd6",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "The towns being evacuated under the Oroville Dam all voted Pro-Trump."
    },
    {
        "body": "A man gets really drunk at a bar and asks the bartender for the bathroom.  The bartender points to the bathroom and the man complains about having to take a serious shit and runs towards it.\n\nA few minutes later the man screams in agony, stops, then screams again.  The bartender goes to check it out and yells to the man, \"What the hell is going on?\"\n\n\"Everytime I press the lever, I feel like my balls are getting crushed!\" the drunk yells.\n\n\"You drunk bastard,\" the bartender replies, \"you're sitting on the mop strainer again!\"",
        "id": "5txv65",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "A Man Gets Really Drunk"
    },
    {
        "body": "I don't know... but the flag is a big plus. \ud83c\udde9\ud83c\uddf0",
        "id": "5txurc",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
    },
    {
        "body": "He was also a serial killer. He liked to dig up the corpses of women and use their skin to furnish his house. After the police arrested him they discovered a whole morbid collection of objects. He had a belt made out of ears, a lampshade made from stitched together faces, they even found a labia menora. ",
        "id": "5txuaa",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Did you hear about Leatherface's jewish cousin?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Is one mile closer to the stone. ",
        "id": "5txu52",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "A milestone"
    },
    {
        "body": "I do it on Christmas and Easter.",
        "id": "5txtyd",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "I floss religiously."
    },
    {
        "body": "But this Guy Fawkes.",
        "id": "5txtk8",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "I used to think everyone on 4chan was a virgin,"
    },
    {
        "body": "The attic",
        "id": "5txte1",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "What part of the house got busted for drugs?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Me : well, you could say I bring a lot to the table.",
        "id": "5txsm2",
        "score": 10,
        "title": "Manager : So do you think you'd be a good waiter?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I have a couple of ideas:\n\n1: Dinner\n2: Movies\n\n1 or 2? 1.. 2..? 1..... or 2?",
        "id": "5txs4x",
        "score": 14,
        "title": "An optometrist asks a woman out on a date"
    },
    {
        "body": "He made him an offer he couldn't understand. ",
        "id": "5txs3z",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Did you hear about the Chinese godfather?"
    },
    {
        "body": "The bartender sighs and says; \"I'll serve you, but don't start anything!\"",
        "id": "5txrfd",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar"
    },
    {
        "body": "A Brazilian. ",
        "id": "5txrcr",
        "score": 19,
        "title": "How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb?"
    },
    {
        "body": "One day it just clicked.",
        "id": "5txr27",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Scientists have been trying to talk to dolphins for years."
    },
    {
        "body": "Must be something in the pussy they're eating",
        "id": "5txpo9",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "They say only men and lesbians can be funny..."
    },
    {
        "body": "A Submarine.\n\n",
        "id": "5txomv",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What\u2019s long and hard and full of semen?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Dad: Look son, you see those two people walking by?, if I had seen 4, I would've been drunk.\n\nSon: But dad, there's only one person.",
        "id": "5txoil",
        "score": 39,
        "title": "Dad, how do you know if someone is drunk?"
    },
    {
        "body": "He/she wanted to win the no-bell prize. ",
        "id": "5txohj",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "Why did the scientist install a knocker on his/her door?"
    },
    {
        "body": "He finally settles on a perfect Black Angus bull. He says to the owner \"Here's the money. I need to send a message to my wife to come pick up the bull. She already knows where I am but I need her to come pick him up now before it gets dark. Where can a fella send a telegram?\" The owner tells him that he has a machine but it is $100 a word. \"That's outrageous! I only have $100.\" The owner says to him \"Better make it good then.\" The man thinks for a few minutes and plops down the cash. \"Send her this word: Comfortable.\" The owner of the bull looks confused and asks \"How will that tell her anything?\" To which the man replies \"Well my wife can barely read, so she'll just read it reeeeeeal slow.\"",
        "id": "5txnv8",
        "score": 25,
        "title": "A man is shopping for cattle in 1886..."
    },
    {
        "body": "As it turns out it already existed but i came to it on my own",
        "id": "5txnr5",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "I thought of the first Fleshlight"
    },
    {
        "body": "   Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a\n pulse?\n\n      A: No.\n\n      Q: Did you check for blood pressure?\n\n      A: No.\n\n      Q: Did you check for breathing?\n\n      A: No.\n\n      Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you\n\n          began the autopsy?\n\n      A: No.\n\n      Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?\n\n      A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.\n\n      Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?\n\n      A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.\n\nz\n\nPS. This is actual testimony from a trial...........\n\n",
        "id": "5txnqz",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "Doctor, are you sure he was Dead?"
    },
    {
        "body": "He took a bite from one of his prey and complained that it was \"FUCKING RAAAAAAWWWWW!\" ",
        "id": "5txn3n",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "Why are the dinosaurs afraid of Gordon Ramsey?"
    },
    {
        "body": "So if you're a great driver, look out for women who are turning.",
        "id": "5txmyo",
        "score": 16,
        "title": "A lot of women turn into great drivers..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Blonde #1: Oh how I hate when he brings me flowers. All night I'll be on my back with my legs in the air.\nBlonde #2: Don't you own a vase? ",
        "id": "5txmlh",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "Valentines Day Flowers"
    },
    {
        "body": "Espn2 ",
        "id": "5txm9l",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "#1 Uconn women's team going for historic 100th consecutive team in a sold out stadium against #6 South Carolina"
    },
    {
        "body": "He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.\n\nHe orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:\n\n\"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.\" If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.\"\n\nTo which his wife responds: \"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!\"",
        "id": "5txluy",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years"
    },
    {
        "body": "And he gets to live in the White House to boot!",
        "id": "5txlkj",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Did you hear the outrage over the rapist getting four years?"
    },
    {
        "body": "\u201cGet in the car bitch\u2026\u2026I got a gun!\u201d",
        "id": "5txko2",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Sure Fire Pickup Line"
    },
    {
        "body": "He didn't. He's dead. ",
        "id": "5txkjs",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Why did Michael Brown cross the road?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Is pretty ironic",
        "id": "5txkf9",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "The term OP on r/Jokes"
    },
    {
        "body": "I always have heated debate about it with my friend residing in the other hemisphere.",
        "id": "5txk4p",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "I'm an avid supporter of the Flat Earth Society!"
    },
    {
        "body": "At first, people in California were like \"Oh, we don't have enough water!\" and now they're like \"Oh, we have too much water!\"\n___\nThey can't make up their *dam* minds.  ",
        "id": "5txju2",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "People in California..."
    },
    {
        "body": "The steaks could not be higher.",
        "id": "5txjhw",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "I took ribeye to the top of Everest..."
    },
    {
        "body": "He excitedly sits down in his seat and his family takes their seats to his right. The game is about to start and he notices the seat next to his left is empty. He leans over to the guy a seat over and says, 'Hey man, did you buy this seat? Who would miss the super bowl!?'\n\nThe man says to him, 'Yeah, I bought it for my wife but she passed away.'\n\nThe first guy says, 'Oh, man, I'm so sorry to hear that... didn't you have a family member or friend that wanted the seat? I mean... It's the super bowl.'\n\nThe man says, 'Yeah, there were a few, but they're all at the funeral.'\n\n*****I know its a month late, but a co-worker just told me this and his jokes are usually terrible grandpa-level jokes, so I had to post it.*****",
        "id": "5txja2",
        "score": 8,
        "title": "A man finally buys tickets to bring his family to the super bowl..."
    },
    {
        "body": "To beat the crowd.",
        "id": "5txj9n",
        "score": 10,
        "title": "Why do the riot police show up at concerts early?"
    },
    {
        "body": "or 5 plus 7 are 13?",
        "id": "5txj4q",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Would you say 5 plus 7 is 13"
    },
    {
        "body": "Two guys are hitchhiking down the highway.  At the same time an older couple is driving on the same road.  The man has diarrhea something fierce.  Every few miles he has his wife pull into a service station.  Finally she gets tired of this and tells him \u201cI\u2019m not stopping. If you have to go that bad, hang your ass out the window and go\u201d. \n\nSo the man does this as they\u2019re passing the hitchhikers, one of which get\u2019s the full load  on him.  \u201cDamned snooze chewers!!!\u201d he yells. \n\nBut his partner says \u201cYeah, but did you see the JAWS on that sumbitch\u201d.",
        "id": "5txinv",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "Jaws"
    },
    {
        "body": "She couldn't control her Pewp Hole.",
        "id": "5txijz",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "My substitute teacher had diarrhea..."
    },
    {
        "body": "  A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be \n  seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They \n  exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, \n  \"This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. \n  It identifies that American Indians have the longest \n  average penises and Polish men have the biggest average \n  diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?\" \n  He coolly replies, \"Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you.\"",
        "id": "5txidp",
        "score": 33,
        "title": "Sex Statistics on a Plane."
    },
    {
        "body": "Crowd : D:<\n\n\nMe: Nazis. . . . .\n\n\nCrowd: *Sigh of relief*\n\n\nMe: Especially Hans   . . . . .Fuck Hans. ",
        "id": "5txid4",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "YEE HAWWW LETS ROUND UP ALL THEM DIRTY N-"
    },
    {
        "body": "The water level starts rising, but he has faith that God will save him. As the water is up to his knees, an old man in a rowboat sails up to him.\n\n\"Hey,\" he says. \"Need a lift?\"\n\nThe priest shakes his head. \"No thank you, I have faith that the lord will save me. Use your boat to find those more in need.\"\n\nThe rowboat heads off, and soon the water is up to the priest's chest.  A rescue boat loaded with supplies comes racing up to him.\n\n\"Grab my hand!\" the captain yells. \"We gotta get out of here!\"\n\n\"No!\" The priest yells. \"There are others who need help. I assure you, the lord will save me!\"\n\nReluctantly, the rescue boat rides off.\n\nAs the water continues to rise, the priest is forced to the roof of his house. A helicopter flies over to him and lowers a winch.\n\n\"Hold on!\" Shouts the winchman as he holds out his hand.\n\nBut the priest again shakes his head. \"No! The lord will save me! Go save someone else!\"\n\nFrustrated, the helicopter flies away. \n\nSadly, the water becomes too much for the priest to deal with and he goes under.\n\nHe finds himself in heaven, absolutely stunned. After going through the pearly gates, he walks straight up to God himself.\n\n\"Lord,\" the priest says, \"I spent my life devoted to you. I truly believed that you would protect me through the hardest times in my life. Yet when I needed you most, when my life was at stake, you weren't there for me!\"\n\n\"What are you talking about?\" God replies. \"I sent two boats and a fucking helicopter!!\"\n",
        "id": "5txhvu",
        "score": 20,
        "title": "A flood warning is given, but the local priest decides to stay..."
    },
    {
        "body": "They charged one and let the other off.",
        "id": "5txgny",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Police arrested two guys in the riots. One for looting batteries, the other for throwing fireworks."
    },
    {
        "body": "Apparently chocolate is bad for dogs",
        "id": "5txepd",
        "score": 8,
        "title": "A bitch ate my cookie, now the bitch is dead"
    },
    {
        "body": "Yeah, they\u2019re going to name it \u201cThe Trannies\u201d",
        "id": "5txeab",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Have you heard of the new LGBTQ Music Awards?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Joe bought a gun. He walked right into the sporting goods store, up to the gun counter, and picked out a semi-automatic .12 gauge shotgun with a box of buckshot shells. The entire process took no more than twenty minutes. \n\nJoe left town and drove for a couple hours before exiting the highway and driving down a winding county road for another ten minutes. Joe pulled into a service station and parked his car. He sat in his vehicle, loaded five shells into his new Benelli shotgun, and chambered in a shell.\n\nJoe clicked off the safety and walked into the convenience store. There was no one in sight but the attendant behind the counter. Her name was Janice. She tried to run when she saw the shotgun but Joe shot her as she turned. She took some buckshot to the brain and died almost instantly.\n\nJoe walked behind the counter, stepping carefully over Janice, picked up the phone, and dialed 911. \"I've killed a lady. I'm robbing the store,\" Joe told the 911 operator. He then emptied the cash register, walked out to his vehicle, and drove away. \n\nA short ways down the road, Joe came upon another service station. He pulled in and exited his vehicle. The owner of the service station was a capable man named Bill. Bill saw the look in Joe's eyes when Joe approached the door of the service station, and he saw the gun in his hand. Bill was ready with his own shotgun by the time Joe raised his, and Bill pumped a slug into Joe's abdomen.\n\nBill immediately called for an ambulance and approached Joe with compassion. \"Let me help you, son.\"\n\nAs Bill tended to Joe's wounds as best as he could, it became clear that Joe might not survive. Bill asked him, \"Why did you do it, son? Why did you bring that damn gun into my store? I had to shoot you. What, were you going to rob me? Why?\"\n\nAs the light of life flickered in Joe's eyes, with his dying breath he responded, \"Damn it all. Shamu and Moby Dick put me up to it. They are waiting outside for me right now. I'm gonna go get them. Be right back, mister.\"\n\nAnd with that, Joe died. Bill would go on to give a full account of Joe's actions and his last words to the police and to the press. Then, the following morning, the Sunday paper headline read,\n\n\"The Outlaw Joe Sees Whales\"",
        "id": "5txe5k",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Joe bought a gun . . ."
    },
    {
        "body": "He woke me up late last night and asked if I could write a few gags for his set in a couple of days, because his mom just died and he was busy with her funeral. I agreed to help him out and asked if he had a topic in mind. \n\nHe said, sorry, I'm too upset to be thinking about chocolate right now.\n\nLooks like I'm going to need help.",
        "id": "5txdts",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "My pal is a comedian."
    },
    {
        "body": "To get to the udder side.",
        "id": "5txcdx",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "Why did the hungry baby calf cross the road?"
    },
    {
        "body": "for taking a leek in the vegetable aisle.",
        "id": "5txc36",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "I got kicked out of a grocery store..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Nice Tits.",
        "id": "5txbr9",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "What do you say to a Woman with no arms or legs?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A man and his wife were outside their house doing yardwork. The husband looked over at his wife bent over her flower bed and said \"ya know honey, I never really noticed how big your ass is. Why, I bet it's just as wide as the range on the grill.\" To prove his point, the man went and grabbed the tape measure out of his toolbox. First he measured the width of the grill then his wife's bottom. \"Yep, just as thought. It really is as big as the grill.\" The wife got offended and stormed back into the house.\n\nLater that night, laying in bed, the husband started feeling frisky. He put his arm around hia wife and said \"hey honey, what do ya say we fool around a little bit?\". The wife turned to face him and said \"Now why would I fire up this big ol' grill for one little weenie?\". \n",
        "id": "5txbj3",
        "score": 37,
        "title": "Measurements"
    },
    {
        "body": "Apparently it was more pussy than he could handle.",
        "id": "5txbgj",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "[NSFW] Did you hear about the guy whose house was overrun with cats?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I wish I could post it on different sub",
        "id": "5txbd0",
        "score": 47,
        "title": "I am going out with my valentine tonight"
    },
    {
        "body": "alt-zheimers",
        "id": "5txaon",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "I've been suffering from an extreme form of memory loss"
    },
    {
        "body": "The doctor asks him to drop his pants and examines him. \n\nThe man asks: \"Doc, does it look serious?\"\n\nThe doctor replies: \"Sorry to tell you, but it's just the tip of the iceberg.\"",
        "id": "5txagl",
        "score": 33,
        "title": "A distraught man goes to his doctor and says \"Doc, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my butt!\""
    },
    {
        "body": "Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?",
        "id": "5tx9do",
        "score": 18,
        "title": "Relationships are a lot like algebra."
    },
    {
        "body": "They used a cumin shield.",
        "id": "5tx93d",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "Did you hear about the hostage situation at the spice factory?"
    },
    {
        "body": "An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.\n\nThe moving walkway motor jammed, so he un jams it. People can get from place to place more easily.\n\nThe TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.\n\nOne day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's going on?\n\nThe Devil replies, \"Things are great down here since you sent us that engineer.\"\n\n\"What?? An engineer? I didn't send you one of those, that must have been a mistake. Send him back up right this minute.\"\n\nThe Devil responds, \"No way! We are going to keep our engineer. We like this guy.\"\n\nGod demands, \"If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!\"\n\nThe Devil laughs. \"Where are you going to get a lawyer?\"\n\n",
        "id": "5tx8td",
        "score": 30,
        "title": "An Engineer Goes to Hell"
    },
    {
        "body": "You look for the fresh prints.",
        "id": "5tx887",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "How do you find Will Smith in the snow?"
    },
    {
        "body": "And got a candy apple.",
        "id": "5tx7rl",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "I first realized we were a poor family when on my birthday I asked for the new sweet iphone."
    },
    {
        "body": "\"It's Levi-O-sARRRRRRR\"",
        "id": "5tx7im",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "If Harry Potter were about pirates:"
    },
    {
        "body": "The American boasts, \"clearly the American government is better. You can go to the white house with a megaphone and yell 'Trump sucks!' and you wouldn't even be arrested.\"\nThe Chinese replied, \"what of it? You can go to Tiananmen square and yell 'Trump sucks!'  and you still wouldn't be arrested.\" ",
        "id": "5tx7di",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "An American and a Chinese were arguing about which government was better"
    },
    {
        "body": "I agreed and realised way later that included sex",
        "id": "5tx607",
        "score": 8,
        "title": "When m'y girlfriend said let's not bother and do nothing this year for valentine's day"
    },
    {
        "body": "But it's not that I'm a chainsmoker, it's just the COPD makes me walk really slow.",
        "id": "5tx604",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "It's hard to believe I can smoke five cigarettes on a two mile walk to work..."
    },
    {
        "body": "So I got her nothing.",
        "id": "5tx5ur",
        "score": 98,
        "title": "My wife told me \"For Valentine's Day, nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace\""
    },
    {
        "body": "Hillaryous. ",
        "id": "5tx58b",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "US Politics are"
    },
    {
        "body": "Women = time \u2022 money\n\nTime is money \n\nWomen = money^2\n\nMoney is the root of all evil\n\nTherefore \n\nWomen = Evil",
        "id": "5tx4yx",
        "score": 8,
        "title": "Women are time and money"
    },
    {
        "body": "WWWAAAATTTAAAAr...",
        "id": "5tx4dz",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What's a ninjas favorite drink?"
    },
    {
        "body": "The librarian says, \"so do you live in one of those little round houses?\n\nPecan says, in a nutshell, yeah!",
        "id": "5tx34v",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "A pecan walks into a library..."
    },
    {
        "body": "But now I'm just an air conditioner. ",
        "id": "5tx274",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "I used to be a fan..."
    },
    {
        "body": "I know this doesn't sound strange but it was a pack of 20 cards",
        "id": "5tx20x",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "I was looking for the perfect Valentine's Day card when something caught my eye. One of the cards said \"I love you and only you\""
    },
    {
        "body": "We're having two litters.",
        "id": "5tx1o9",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "My wife is very anti-kids and I finally got her to agree on how many kids we'll have"
    },
    {
        "body": "Right now he's negotiating for a better interest rate on Daylight Savings Time.",
        "id": "5tx1gz",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "Donald Trump makes the best deals."
    },
    {
        "body": "The first one says - it's windy.\n\nSecond one says - it's not Wednesday, it's Thursday. \n\nThird one says - yea, I'm thirsty too, we should buy something to drink. ",
        "id": "5tx0ba",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "3 old ladies are sitting on a bus"
    },
    {
        "body": "If she wears gloves, soccer jersey and cleats ",
        "id": "5tx0au",
        "score": 21,
        "title": "You know your girlfriends a keeper"
    },
    {
        "body": "I sidled up to the local drug dealer on the corner ...\n\ncan I get an ounce of cocaine?\n\nlook pal, I only sell grams!\n\nfuck it, give us an ounce of grams then!",
        "id": "5tx06v",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "I've never done drugs before."
    },
    {
        "body": "Crib death",
        "id": "5twzm5",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Whats 12 inches long, purple and makes women scream in the middle of the night?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I'm having trouble working out all the kinks.",
        "id": "5twzc8",
        "score": 14,
        "title": "I need help writing a BDSM joke."
    },
    {
        "body": "Stevie Wonder answering the iron",
        "id": "5twxgc",
        "score": 12,
        "title": "Whats black and screams?"
    },
    {
        "body": "When he realized it just wasn't going to work out.",
        "id": "5twvwj",
        "score": 8,
        "title": "When did the man know it was time to dump his fat GF?"
    },
    {
        "body": "She chews before she swallows.",
        "id": "5twvdf",
        "score": 26,
        "title": "How do you know if you have a high sperm count?"
    },
    {
        "body": "and ended up fucking her dad... :/",
        "id": "5twvbp",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "So I'm dating this girl who has a twin sister, and one night I got confused"
    },
    {
        "body": "I\u2019ve got genital warts soon you will too",
        "id": "5twvb3",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "Roses are red Violets are blue"
    },
    {
        "body": "They start to feel some light precipitation\n\n\n\"I think it's raining\" says the man\n\n\n\"No it's snowing\" replies the woman. \n\n\"How about we ask this communist officer here?\" \"He is always right\" exclaims the man. \n\"Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?\" \n\n\n\"Definitely raining\" officer Rudolph replies before walking off. \n\nThe man turns to his wife and says. \n\n\"See? Rudolph the red knows rain, dear\"",
        "id": "5twufa",
        "score": 141,
        "title": "A couple are walking in St. Petersburg square on Christmas Eve."
    },
    {
        "body": "She couldn't name One ",
        "id": "5twu7y",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "My girlfriend doesn't know any Metallica songs"
    },
    {
        "body": "but it's not a very good one.",
        "id": "5twtj4",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "I have an inferiority complex"
    },
    {
        "body": "A family was at the dinner table.  \nThe son asked his Father: \"Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there??  \nSurprised, the father answered:\"Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs\"  \n\"In her 20's, a women's boobs are like Melons, round and firm.\"  \n\"In her 30's to 40's, they are like Pears, still nice but hanging a bit.\"  \n\"After 50, they are like Onions.\"  \nSon: \"Onions??\"  \nFather: \"Yes, you see them and they make you cry.\"  \nThis made his Wife and Daughter Mad, so the Daughter asked her Mom: \"How many kinds of Penises are there?\"  \nThe Mother smiled and said,\"Well dear, a man goes through 3 phases.\"  \n\"In his 20's, his penis is like an Oak Tree, Mighty and Hard.\"  \n\"In his 30's and 40's, it is like a Birch, Flexible but Reliable.\"  \n\"After 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.\"  \nDaughter: \"Christmas Tree??\"  \nMom: \"Yes, the Tree is Dead and the Balls are just For Decoration!!\"",
        "id": "5tws6c",
        "score": 25,
        "title": "Three types of boobs"
    },
    {
        "body": "You saw it. You saw it with your own two eyes.",
        "id": "5tws5q",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "You know how you can cut wood just by looking at it?"
    },
    {
        "body": "They're greeted warmly by the big pearly gates. The welcoming angel is holding a big bowl of water. He asks the first nun - have you ever touched a man's penis? \n\nThe first nun trembles and says yes, she touched a penis but only with her fingers. \n\nDip your fingers into the holy water and you will be pure, instructs the angel. The nun dips her fingers in the water and is allowed through the big pearly gates. \n\nThe angel turns to the second nun and asks - did you touch a man's penis?\n\nBefore she could answer, the third nun blurts out - eww, I'm not drinking that water after it goes up her ass!",
        "id": "5twrpv",
        "score": 21,
        "title": "3 nuns die and go to heaven..."
    },
    {
        "body": "The nurse walks up to the doctor and asks... Doc, what are you doing?  Doc says... I'm writing a prescription.  Nurse says, but you're holding your thermometer.  Doc looks at her and says God Damn it some asshole has my pen ",
        "id": "5twrk1",
        "score": 18,
        "title": "A nurse walks up to the Doctor"
    },
    {
        "body": "He was a seasoned Veteran",
        "id": "5twqzh",
        "score": 109,
        "title": "I met a Soldier that survived Mustard Gas and Pepper spray"
    },
    {
        "body": "She accidentally knocks her youngest son's jar of bb's into the brownie mix. She says \"oh it'll be alright\"\n\nSeveral hours after the brownies were done her youngest son comes to her with tears in his eyes and says \"Mommy, when I was using the restroom I was peeing and something hard came out.\" \nShe said \"Oh it was just a BB, you'll be alright.\"\n\nHalf an hour later she's cleaning and she hears sobbing coming from the bathroom, she sees her daughter and asks what's wrong. Her daughter says \"I think I have kidney stones.\" \nThe mom replies \"oh it was just a BB, you'll be alright.\"\n\nLater that night she hears her oldest son laughing and says \"Let me guess, you were peeing and a BB came out?\" \nHe says \"No I was beating off and shot the dog!\"",
        "id": "5twqm6",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "One snow day a mother is making brownies for her kids"
    },
    {
        "body": "A man is served whiskey on a flight.\n\nThe flight attendant asks the priest seated next to him, whether he would like a drink too?\n\nPriest: I would rather be raped by a dozen prostitutes than let liquor touch my lips\n\nThe man returns the drink saying: Me too, I didn't know we had a choice...",
        "id": "5twqis",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "A man is served whiskey on a flight"
    },
    {
        "body": "And he's approached by a Jewish man who is clearly very drunk and the Jewish man says to him, \"Hey, I just wanted to let you know, I still blame YOU for Pearl Harbor.\" \n\nAnd the Chinese man says, \"What are you even talking about, that was the Japanese, I'm Chinese.\" \n\nTo which the Jewish man replies, \"Chinese, Japanese, you all are the same to me.\" And he walks away. \n\nWell this upset the Chinese man a bit so he decided to get a few drinks in him to help him calm down and maybe forget about the incident altogether. \n\nAnd so the Chinese man proceeded to drink until the wedding was over and as he was walking out he saw the Jewish man who had upset him earlier and being as inebriated as he was he decided to say something. \n\nThe Chinese man goes to Jewish man, \"Hey Buddy, I just wanted to let you know that I still blame YOU for the Titanic.\" \n\n\"The Titanic?\" Said the Jewish man, \"What are you even talking about, that was an iceberg?\" \n\nAnd the Chinese man says with a smug smile on his face, \"Goldberg, iceberg, you're all the same to me.\" ",
        "id": "5twqfa",
        "score": 11,
        "title": "A Chinese man is at a wedding"
    },
    {
        "body": "Kick Donald Trump in the chin.",
        "id": "5twnq8",
        "score": 10,
        "title": "How do you castrate Vladimir Putin?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Because their Great Igloos melted.",
        "id": "5twna3",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Why did the Ancient Egyptians build Great Pyramids?"
    },
    {
        "body": "KNOCKIN ON HEAVENS DOOOWUUUWAAAAAAA",
        "id": "5twly8",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "Knock knock"
    },
    {
        "body": "They have an affinity for bonds.",
        "id": "5twl6q",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "What type of investment do chemists prefer?"
    },
    {
        "body": "D J Trump: Fake News!",
        "id": "5twl2f",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal."
    },
    {
        "body": "A Troglodyke!",
        "id": "5twk7e",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "What do you call a lesbian cavewoman?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Are you up for a little row-mance?",
        "id": "5twj6j",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "What did one boat say to the other?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A female student walks down the street of a college town. She had a stressful day and is dying to smoke a cigarette, but her lighter simply won't work. Then she notices a few young women hanging out on street corner. She's shy, but eventually works up a courage to approach them. Out of nervousness she blurts out: \n\n**Dear colleagues, I was wondering if you had a light?**\n\nOne of the women produces a lighter, and the student walks away, puffing away happily. The women watch her go, and finally one remarks: \n**Puts out once, and now we're \"colleagues\"...**\n\nLet the downvotes begin... ;)",
        "id": "5twhrn",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Colleagues"
    },
    {
        "body": "He says it's a rigged erection ",
        "id": "5twh45",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "Trump is suing Male enhancement giant Viagra.."
    },
    {
        "body": "Pardon me.",
        "id": "5twgog",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Michael Flynn bumps into Donald Trump"
    },
    {
        "body": "They're already over it.",
        "id": "5twghc",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "How do Mexicans feel about Trumps wall?"
    },
    {
        "body": "the American asks: did you come here to die\n\nthe Australian says back: no i came here yesterday ",
        "id": "5twg1j",
        "score": 28,
        "title": "an American and a Australian are in the trenches"
    },
    {
        "body": "\"No\".\n\nI thought not. It's not a story the jedi would tell you.",
        "id": "5twg0c",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis The Wise?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Master race.",
        "id": "5twfqx",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Communism."
    },
    {
        "body": "My wife walked in to the room when I was in the middle of a furious argument with our son. When he ran out of the room crying, I said to my wife, \u201cGod, I wish that I\u2019d used a condom now.\u201d\nMy wife was aghast and said, \u201cWhat! You mean you wish that our son had never been born?\u201d\n\nI said, \u201cNo, I\u2019ve got his girlfriend pregnant.\u201d",
        "id": "5twfn7",
        "score": 25,
        "title": "God, I wish that I\u2019d used a condom now."
    },
    {
        "body": "I got them home, opened the box and thought... that's odd.",
        "id": "5twfi9",
        "score": 11,
        "title": "I bought a dozen cup-cakes from a bakery."
    },
    {
        "body": "He gets a tin of paint and puts it on the counter, then pays the cashier; the cashier asked if he'd like a bag for it.\n\nHe says: \"don't you worry, it's fine in the tin\"",
        "id": "5twfhz",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "An Irish man walks into a builders merchant"
    },
    {
        "body": "One day, as they are scouring the beaches for firewood, they come across an old oil lamp, washed ashore. The Swede picks it up and wipes it gently with his shirt sleeve, clearing the sand and the dirt. Out pops a spirit. The spirit says:\n\n\"I have been trapped inside that lamp for a millennium due to a magic spell. Finally I have been set free. As a token of my gratitude, I will grant you one wish each.\"\n\nThe Swede states that he is fed up with that little island and he would like to go back to Trelleborg. Poof, the Swede is gone. Next up is the Norwegian. He says: \"I agree. I want to go home too, back to Narvik.\" Poof, the Norwegian vanishes. Now only the Icelander is left. After some pondering, he makes his wish. \"It's too lonely out here all by myself. I want my friends back!\"",
        "id": "5twf3h",
        "score": 30,
        "title": "A Swede, an Icelander and a Norwegian end up shipwrecked on a deserted island."
    },
    {
        "body": "Now I just watch like nobody's dancing.",
        "id": "5twezr",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "I used to hate the ballet"
    },
    {
        "body": "He woke up. ",
        "id": "5twevg",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "Did you hear about the kidnapping in the park the other day?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I'd like to offer mickydolenzes to his family.\n",
        "id": "5tweor",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "After the death The Monkees' Davy Jones..."
    },
    {
        "body": "\"Great scotch!\"",
        "id": "5tweaw",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What does Doc Brown say when he tastes good booze?"
    },
    {
        "body": "It's not hard...",
        "id": "5twdke",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "How do you find a blind guy at a nudist colony?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Donald Trump and Justin Trudeau were we discussing politics when Donald leans in close and says:\n\nDonald: You know Justin, if the US were a Dictatorship I would be a Dictator.\n\nJustin: Yea, I suppose so Donald.\n\nDonald: And you know if the US were a Monarchy I would be a Monarch.\n\nJustin: That's also true Don, but I hate to break it to you, the US is a Country.",
        "id": "5twdga",
        "score": 22,
        "title": "Trump & Trudeau"
    },
    {
        "body": "Tulips on an organ.",
        "id": "5twbjv",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "In honor of Valentine's Day - what's better than a rose on a piano?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Twin sisters just turned one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, \"The Cambridge Distorter,\" told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin bitteys. \n\nOne of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. \n\nThe photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, \"WHAT DID HE SAY?\" \n\nHe said, \"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!\" said the other. \n\n\"Now get a little closer together,\" said the cameraman. \n\nAgain, \"WHAT DID HE SAY?\" \n\n\"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE.\" So they wiggled up close to each other. \n\n\"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little,\" said the photographer. \n\nYet again, \"WHAT DID HE SAY?\" \n\n\"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!\" \n\nWith a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, \"OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?\"",
        "id": "5twb5a",
        "score": 135,
        "title": "Twin sisters just turned 100 years old"
    },
    {
        "body": "That's just her way of getting two more dates out of you.",
        "id": "5twavt",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Have you ever gone out on a first date and she tells you she never sleeps with anyone until at least the third date?"
    },
    {
        "body": "...is to not release your music in the same year as Adele.",
        "id": "5twa7n",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "As a musician, I've learned the best way to win a Grammy..."
    },
    {
        "body": "My parents keep telling me to get one.",
        "id": "5twa2k",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "Life is like a diploma"
    },
    {
        "body": "The infadeles ",
        "id": "5tw99s",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "What do you call Adele's groupies?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Piesexual!",
        "id": "5tw8w7",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "What do you call a person in love with a pie"
    },
    {
        "body": "Flashbacks",
        "id": "5tw83v",
        "score": 144,
        "title": "What do you get when you spell the word \"man\" backwards"
    },
    {
        "body": "Because she can't even",
        "id": "5tw7x9",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Why did the white girl count by odds to ten?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Switzerland",
        "id": "5tw6uz",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "I found a place where the recycling rate is 52%"
    },
    {
        "body": "No manmade structure was designed to hold back that many liberal tears",
        "id": "5tw6jo",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "The Oroville dam catastrophe is Trump's fault"
    },
    {
        "body": "So people don't confuse them with feminists.",
        "id": "5tw682",
        "score": 62,
        "title": "Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?"
    },
    {
        "body": "C'mon bear!",
        "id": "5tw5fd",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "How do you encourage a bear to eat cheese?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Audi...",
        "id": "5tw53r",
        "score": 53,
        "title": "What'd the cowboy say when he walked into the German car dealership?"
    },
    {
        "body": "American, German and Bosnian guys compete who will fart out a wine bottle cap the furthest. American goes first, eats 1 bowl of beans and farts out the cap 5 feet. German goes next, eats a cauldron full of beans and farts the cap 17 meters. Bosnian goes last, eats 1 bean and farts. They couldn't find the cap and they give up. \n\nThe next day on the news:\n\n\"An UFO size of a wine bottle cap hits and kills a Japanese civilian!\"",
        "id": "5tw4ge",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "American, German and Bosnian guys compete..."
    },
    {
        "body": "I knocked on the door and asked if I could, the people just slammed the door in my face.  My parents can be so rude sometimes.",
        "id": "5tw3ri",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "I went to the house I grew up in and wanted to look around"
    },
    {
        "body": "Her students were pizzing her off.",
        "id": "5tw3kw",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "Why was the orchestra teacher angry?"
    },
    {
        "body": "When he comes back, his friend asks him how it went. He replies that it did not go well.\n\n\"What happened?\" his friend asked.\n\n\"Well, since I didn't know hebrew, I decided to convey the ad through a comic. The first panel showed a guy in a desert, dying of thirst. The secone panel showed him drinking coke. And the third panel showed him completely rejuvenated.\"\n\n\"That sounds great! Why didn't it work?\"\n\n\"Nobody told me they read right to left!\"",
        "id": "5tw341",
        "score": 58,
        "title": "An advertiser for coke is dispatched to Israel"
    },
    {
        "body": "1.) The 1st semester",
        "id": "5tw2sc",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "I just finished the first semester in college and here is a list of things I failed at:"
    },
    {
        "body": "They ended up with an antoinette loss!",
        "id": "5tw2nx",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Did you hear about the bakery that spent too much on cakes?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I couldn't understand where that came from, so I asked people. \"It's because you like both dogs and cats\" said my boyfriend. \"No, no, no. It's because she likes both tea and coffee\" said my girlfriend.",
        "id": "5tw1yr",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "My mother said that I'm indecisive"
    },
    {
        "body": "She was born a red head.",
        "id": "5tw1ou",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Please pray for my daughter's soul"
    },
    {
        "body": "Right where you left it. \n\n\nI'm sorry. \n\n\nMy mom taught me that joke and told me that every birthday and it's my birthday today. ",
        "id": "5tvzwx",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Where do you find a dog with no legs?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Just Tin",
        "id": "5tvzv8",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What's Trump's least favorite periodic element?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?\n\nFarmer: Which one? The Black ones or the brown ones?\n\nInterviewer: Brown ones.\n\nFarmer: A couple of litres per day.\n\nInterviewer: And the black ones?\n\nFarmer: A couple of litres per day.\n\nInterviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?\n\nFarmer: Which ones? Black or brown?\n\nInterviewer: Black.\n\nFarmer: It eats grass.\n\nInterviewer: And the other ones?\n\nFarmer: Grass.\n\nInterviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!\n\nFarmer: Because the black ones are mine.\n\nInterviewer: Oh, and the brown ones?\n\nFarmer: they are also mine",
        "id": "5tvzt7",
        "score": 30,
        "title": "An interviewer asks a shepard"
    },
    {
        "body": "Me: \"Then what happened? Did you decide not to give a fuck??\"",
        "id": "5tvzpi",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Jon: walks out from the bathroom- \"Hey man sorry I took so long, I was just fixing my hair\""
    },
    {
        "body": "It was a lawyer.\nEdit: The last human on Earth.",
        "id": "5tvz7t",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "The last man sat in a room. There was a knock at the door..."
    },
    {
        "body": "If you can get honor.\nStay honor.\n\nBut if you can't come in her,\nCome honor.\n\nFor honor!!",
        "id": "5tvz4m",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "I would like to propose a toast! For honor..."
    },
    {
        "body": "He asks for a cabbage pie.\n\nBear tells him they don't have that kind of pie.\n\nIt repeats for a few days. Bear takes pity on Bunny and tells his wife, who does the baking:\n\n>Please, bake a cabbage pie for Bunny. He comes in every day asking for it.\n\nSo the next day, Bunny is there again.\n\n>Do you have a cabbage pie?\n\n&nbsp;\n\n>Yeah, we do!\n\n&nbsp;\n\n>It's just gross, right?",
        "id": "5tvyh7",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Bunny comes to Bear's bakery..."
    },
    {
        "body": "All the way to boys size 12. ",
        "id": "5tvw0h",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "How deep do the Sandusky genes run?"
    },
    {
        "body": "She tried to use politics to determine if a vector field was conservative.",
        "id": "5tvvzo",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Yo mamma's so stupid"
    },
    {
        "body": "He's a real Dong Wong. \n\nI'll just show myself out...",
        "id": "5tvvhg",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "My wife left me after being seduced by an Asian guy."
    },
    {
        "body": "One is the ace of spades, the other is the space of aids.",
        "id": "5tvups",
        "score": 13,
        "title": "What's the difference between a playing card and Africa?"
    },
    {
        "body": "They don't want the D",
        "id": "5tvtxs",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What do all women at the womens marches have in common?"
    },
    {
        "body": "At the top of the Empire State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says \"You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window\". The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.\n\nThe second guy says, \"What, are you nuts? There's no way that could happen. \"No, its true,\" the first man says. \"Let me prove it to you.\" He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets toward the street below. As he nears the 10th floor, the high winds whip him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.\n\nHe meets the second man, who looks quite astonished. \"You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.\" \"No, I'll prove it again,\" says the first man as he jumps again. Just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.\n\"Well, why not.\" the second guy says, \"It works. I'll try it.\" He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th 9th, 8th, floors. . . . . and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT.\nBack upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, \"You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk\".",
        "id": "5tvtlu",
        "score": 39,
        "title": "Two men are sitting drinking at a bar"
    },
    {
        "body": "Fish & Ships",
        "id": "5tvtfb",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "What's the seamonster's favourite meal?"
    },
    {
        "body": "They're making headlines",
        "id": "5tvt4u",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Have you heard the news about corduroy pillows?"
    },
    {
        "body": "On the one hand, I support it because it's killing babies. On the other hand, it gives women a choice.",
        "id": "5tvslu",
        "score": 12,
        "title": "I'm really torn on abortions..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Dihydrogen monoxide now covers 70% of Earth. ",
        "id": "5tvse3",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "The environment is so bad."
    },
    {
        "body": "Cancer!",
        "id": "5tvr0w",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "How do you get stuck bubble gum out of your hair?"
    },
    {
        "body": "....dear dear old man ",
        "id": "5tvq8n",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "I ran over a Deer...."
    },
    {
        "body": "I need to mark my colander. ",
        "id": "5tvpqd",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "When is pasta month?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Tits very annoying",
        "id": "5tvp3n",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "I hate when people misuse \"it's\" and \"its\""
    },
    {
        "body": "Or so I've been told",
        "id": "5tvol1",
        "score": 10,
        "title": "TIL: 80% of people will believe a fact if it has a percentage in it"
    },
    {
        "body": "Sorry, wrong bus.",
        "id": "5tvnft",
        "score": 12,
        "title": "TIFU by being dyslexic and kidnapping 42 people"
    },
    {
        "body": "A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,\n\n'I almost had an affair with another woman.'\n\nThe priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'\n\nThe Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'\n\nThe priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.  You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'\n\nThe Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.\n\nHe paused for a moment and then started to leave.\n\nThe priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'\n\nThe Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and\naccording to you, that's the same as putting it in!'",
        "id": "5tvmme",
        "score": 17972,
        "title": "Putting it in."
    },
    {
        "body": "A Brick.",
        "id": "5tvmis",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "What's red and bad for your teeth?"
    },
    {
        "body": "that nobody loves you on any other day of the year, and valentine's day shouldn't be any different.",
        "id": "5tvmfk",
        "score": 2666,
        "title": "If any of you are sad about being alone on valentines day, just remember..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Because it has a terabyte.",
        "id": "5tvm3a",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Why is everyone scared of my hard drive?"
    },
    {
        "body": "*Tyrannosaurus Wrecks*",
        "id": "5tvlt0",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "What was the most destructive dinosaur of the prehistoric era?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Always remain in-touch with the community.  ",
        "id": "5tvkx8",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "What advice did the family therapist give to Jerry Sandusky Jr.?"
    },
    {
        "body": "\"My love for you is like these flowers and this ring. It's gonna wither and die by the end of the month and is also insanely overvalued.\"",
        "id": "5tvk5h",
        "score": 13,
        "title": "Tomorrow, I'm going to go to my girlfriend, get on one knee, present flowers and a ring, and say..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Because he pitched a tent whenever he saw one...",
        "id": "5tvk0u",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "How did you know that the exterminator was attracted to termites?"
    },
    {
        "body": "If it's not, you better check the connections on the back, or call a maintenance guy. Hopefully you didn't lose power. I'd make sure to get it figured out soon so your food doesn't go bad.",
        "id": "5tvjxp",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Is your refrigerator running?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I wonder why Hitler haven't been invited to a Epsorts event yet. His KD ratio was 6,000,000 to 1.",
        "id": "5tvjoa",
        "score": 11,
        "title": "Why isn't Hitler playing in Esports?"
    },
    {
        "body": "But I think I'm gonna wait until someone else posts it here first though...",
        "id": "5tvjcr",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "I might've just wrote the greatest joke of all time."
    },
    {
        "body": "Great Reposte no counterplay.",
        "id": "5tviq8",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Why is Fiora always banned?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A good friend told me a story once. When she was a kid her family would often go to zoos and museums while on vacation. They were in the aviary on one of those visits looking at birds. My friend saw a crow asked the zookeeper a question. \n\n\"What's the difference between a raven and a crow?\" \n\nThe zookeeper looked at her, smiled and started to answer. \n\n\"Have you ever heard of a pinion feather?\" he said. \"Pinions are the the feathers at the tip of a bird's wing that allows it to fly. They are also the ones that people will trim to prevent birds from flying away. Crows have 5 pinion feathers while ravens have 6. So, if you think about it, it's really just a matter of a pinion.\" \n\nTo this day, my friend and her family don't know the real answer to \"What's the difference between a crow and a raven?\"  ",
        "id": "5tvhzw",
        "score": 10,
        "title": "Ravens and Crows"
    },
    {
        "body": "As he carries his heavy suitcase, a Russian woman comes up to him with a whiskey bottle in her hand and says, \"I'll jerk your dick while you chug this, deal?\"\n\nThe man, not even thinking about the situation, agrees instantly and they rush off to the restroom, find a stall, and start doing it. While being jerked, he caps of the whisky bottle and starts chugging. A moment after, he starts feeling funny and dozes off to sleep. He wakes up, unknown of the time that has passed, and looks down only to realize his pants and underwear is gone, including his suitcase.\n\nHorrified, he runs out of the restroom, his thong going everywhere and 'bout, and yells,\n\n \"Help! Help! I've been jacked!\"",
        "id": "5tvhcr",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "A government man is walking his way to work..."
    },
    {
        "body": "No, but April may.",
        "id": "5tvh1j",
        "score": 8,
        "title": "Can February march???"
    },
    {
        "body": "Cancer.",
        "id": "5tvezi",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What's the best way to get bubblegum out of your hair?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A rebel without a Claus.",
        "id": "5tvei0",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "What do you call her when St. Nick's wife dumps him to join a biker gang?"
    },
    {
        "body": "... and you have a nice personality and a beautiful smile \n\nGirl: you just wanna get into my pants\n\nBoy: you're intelligent as well.",
        "id": "5tvedl",
        "score": 37,
        "title": "You're a very beautiful girl"
    },
    {
        "body": "Opposites attract",
        "id": "5tvdz8",
        "score": 13,
        "title": "Why are women attracted to intelligent men?"
    },
    {
        "body": "It all started when my dad used to tuck me in at night.",
        "id": "5tvdu5",
        "score": 8,
        "title": "I'm obsessed with pushing my penis between my legs and pretending I'm a woman."
    },
    {
        "body": "Because a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.",
        "id": "5tvcw2",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Why should you always use your middle finger on a woman?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Then it really grew on me.",
        "id": "5tvcvp",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "I didnt like my beard at first"
    },
    {
        "body": "because I want to SmAsH",
        "id": "5tvcn9",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Are you Samarium, Arsenic, and Hydrogen?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Spitfire ",
        "id": "5tv8xf",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "What kind of planes do rappers fly?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Aliens finally arrive on earth, and they're just as social as we are.  They meet with the human delegation and have a lovely chat, talking about how each species eats and sleeps and so on. \"Really! you guys put food in your face hole and throw away any leftovers. We just lay on it and absorb what we need.\" Stuff like that.  The topic turns to procreation and both delegations admit they're curious and that a demonstration would be probably be best.  The aliens go first. One hops on another's head, starts spinning and after ten minutes or so a tiny new alien falls to the ground, dusts itself off and politely asks for sustenance.  Then it's our turn.  The two volunteers come out and after a couple minutes they've finished (at least one of them has).  The aliens stand there for a moment before one leans over and shyly and asks, \"so, uh, where's the new human?\" The humans reply, \"oh, it'll be here in about 9 months.\" The alien asks \"Then what was the rush at the end for?\"  \n\n\nThe woman looks into the camera and says \"Amen!\" as the studio audience bursts into laughter and the credits roll.",
        "id": "5tv7lx",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Aliens come to earth, and they're friendly! [NSFW]"
    },
    {
        "body": "Reddit  : \" I am married and i have many childs (SubReddits) \"",
        "id": "5tv5k2",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Me: (To Reddit) will you be my valentine ???"
    },
    {
        "body": "But he did not know about it and his family did. They were afraid that if they told him he would have a heart attack, so they chose his favourite brother Ted to tell him easily.\n\"If you won 20 million dollars, what would you do with them?\" Said Ted.\n\"I would give you half of them\" said Jeff.\n\nToday is Ted`s funeral.\n",
        "id": "5tv545",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Jeff won 20 million dollars"
    },
    {
        "body": "Teacher asks Johnny:\n\n\"Imagine you have $200. And you give $50 to Jane, $50 to Suzi, $50 to Melissa. What would you have?\"\n\n\"An orgy?\"\n\nEdited: names spelling, grammar.",
        "id": "5tv498",
        "score": 81,
        "title": "Math class"
    },
    {
        "body": "They sbread apart through mitoastis",
        "id": "5tv41j",
        "score": 14,
        "title": "How do bread cells divide?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I just can't do this anymore. I think I'm just going to kill myself.\nBut the gun is like... way over there.",
        "id": "5tv3yv",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Everyones keeps teasing me about being so damn lazy"
    },
    {
        "body": "It's funny cause it's true.",
        "id": "5tv3wa",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "!false"
    },
    {
        "body": "Zero.",
        "id": "5tv36i",
        "score": 22,
        "title": "How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I know, I don't get it either. ",
        "id": "5tv286",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "Sex"
    },
    {
        "body": "It was never fired and only dropped once.",
        "id": "5tv0pn",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "I'm selling an authentic French rifle.."
    },
    {
        "body": "The theives took a large soda and two bags of popcorn",
        "id": "5tuztc",
        "score": 724,
        "title": "Breaking News: A movie theatre has just been robbed of over two thousand dollars"
    },
    {
        "body": "Marriage-you-wanna?",
        "id": "5tuzkp",
        "score": 11,
        "title": "How to properly propose to a stoner"
    },
    {
        "body": "Two race conditions walk into a bar.",
        "id": "5tuywc",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "The bartender asks the first one \"What can I get you?\""
    },
    {
        "body": "Two gay men are having sex in bedroom. After a while one of them decides that he needs a break and goes to bathroom. The second one thinks he's away for too long so he goes to check him. When he finds him in bathroom, whole room is covered with semen.  He asks with anger: 'Why didn't you wait for me?!' but second one sort of surprised answers: 'Oh you mean  that? I just farted....' ",
        "id": "5tuysg",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Two gay men in are having sex....."
    },
    {
        "body": "To pee or not to pee.\n",
        "id": "5tuy8f",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What did the pea wonder before an 8 hour road trip?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Because he couldn't control his pupils.",
        "id": "5tuxbl",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "Why was the teacher cross eyed?"
    },
    {
        "body": "2.71828 \u221a(-1) 2.71828 \u221a(-1) (5-5)",
        "id": "5tuxa3",
        "score": 352,
        "title": "Old McDonald had a farm..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Upper management says, they caught him stealing \"dough\". ",
        "id": "5tuwy5",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Manager gets caught stealing from his pizza job."
    },
    {
        "body": "A boo bee",
        "id": "5tuvep",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "What kind of bee produces milk instead of honey?"
    },
    {
        "body": "So he could win Allah the prizes.",
        "id": "5tuu4o",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "Why did the muslim guy rig a competition?"
    },
    {
        "body": "An ottometrist",
        "id": "5tuu3i",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "What do you call a doctor named Otto?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Happy Wallentine's Day.",
        "id": "5tutkq",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Donald Trump's greeting to all Mexicans on 14th February."
    },
    {
        "body": "Gravity",
        "id": "5tusy1",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Why were the Vandals so fat?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Then the humans will suspect nothing!",
        "id": "5tuswx",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and looks like a duck..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Try Snickers sometimes",
        "id": "5tuspr",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What is the difference between Snickers and a dick?"
    },
    {
        "body": "It's been a hard time for us.",
        "id": "5tusk0",
        "score": 12,
        "title": "My father died from an overdose of Viagra recently."
    },
    {
        "body": "My wife tried to come to America, but thanks to trump chicken not get in.",
        "id": "5tuqfk",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Mexican word of the day: Chicken"
    },
    {
        "body": "Then duck on over here and get some.",
        "id": "5tupjq",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Do you like duck sausage?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Troops",
        "id": "5tuond",
        "score": 52,
        "title": "What's the United States' biggest, most well-known export?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby. ",
        "id": "5tuntg",
        "score": 9318,
        "title": "I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant.."
    },
    {
        "body": "It's very handy!",
        "id": "5tunql",
        "score": 21,
        "title": "I learned sign language"
    },
    {
        "body": "Or is it just because I'm Jewish?",
        "id": "5tumj3",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Does anyone else get as excited about Valentine's Day coming up as they do about Christmas?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Numbers that aren't divisible by two.\ufeff",
        "id": "5tume2",
        "score": 15,
        "title": "You know what's really odd?"
    },
    {
        "body": "\"I mean I've seen millions of these \"Free Wifi\" -signs through the years, but as far as I know, the poor bastard hasn't been freed yet!\"",
        "id": "5tumbp",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "My grandpa said to me: \"I don't think these \"Free (someone)\" things are working...\""
    },
    {
        "body": "A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up and says to the monkey\n\n \"Hey, what're you doing?\"\n\nThe monkey replies, \"Smokin' a joint, come up and have some.\"\n\nSo the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few joints.\n\nAfter a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to get a drink from the river.\n\nThe lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls into the river.\n\nA crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, \"What's the matter with you?\"\n\nThe lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.\n\nThe crocodile says he has to check this out and wanders into the jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint.\n\nThe crocodile yells up to the monkey and says \"Hey!\"\n\nThe monkey looks down and says, \"Fuck man! How much water did you drink?!?\"",
        "id": "5tulqd",
        "score": 451,
        "title": "A monkey is getting stoned in a tree.."
    },
    {
        "body": "Silicone Valley",
        "id": "5tullq",
        "score": 20,
        "title": "What do you call the cleavage of a woman with fake breasts?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I asked an old man, \"Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?\" . OLD MAN: \"I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her",
        "id": "5tukgs",
        "score": 18,
        "title": "I asked an old man, \"Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?\""
    },
    {
        "body": "One hand on the steering wheel, the other on the road ",
        "id": "5tuk5x",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "How does Hellen Keller drive?"
    },
    {
        "body": "So much so, even their scandals are Russian.",
        "id": "5tujua",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "This administration is doing everything they can as quickly as possible"
    },
    {
        "body": "Hay HAY Hay",
        "id": "5tuiq5",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What did the gay horse eat for brunch?"
    },
    {
        "body": "You're always going to be satisfied with the job.",
        "id": "5tugln",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "There's one good thing about being a porn star."
    },
    {
        "body": "Closing their blinds, locking their doors, calling the police...",
        "id": "5tug0u",
        "score": 25,
        "title": "Some women love playing hard to get."
    },
    {
        "body": "I always blame the Nazis.\n\n",
        "id": "5tufw5",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "I hate it when it heils outside..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Amy: Truth or dare?\n\nLingling: Truth.\n\nAmy: Where's Sarah's dog?\n\nLingling: Dare.\n\n\n\n**lmao this is old asf and i am in no way racist, this just made me laugh**",
        "id": "5tuf3t",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "A Girls Sleepover"
    },
    {
        "body": "I can't believe she's not better.",
        "id": "5tuey8",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "My aunt Marge has been in hospital for a while."
    },
    {
        "body": "Mr and Mrs Sterile have no children.",
        "id": "5tudi7",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "Mr and Mrs.."
    },
    {
        "body": "They never bothered with the \"Y\". ",
        "id": "5tudfa",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Why are women so clueless?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A man stands, chain smoking at a bus stop.\n\nThe woman standing next to him says \"Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!\"\n\n\"That's OK...\" says the guy, puffing casually, \"I'm a programmer\"\n\n\"So? What's that got to do with anything?\"\n\n\"Errors are serious, warnings are nothing...\".",
        "id": "5tuddt",
        "score": 31,
        "title": "A man stands, chain smoking at a bus stop..."
    },
    {
        "body": "It probably identifies as a napkin and how dare you assume it's species. ",
        "id": "5tudbs",
        "score": 627,
        "title": "If it looks like a duck, and sounds like a duck..."
    },
    {
        "body": "They cried until the Oroville dam collapsed.",
        "id": "5tud7p",
        "score": 14,
        "title": "Californians hate walls so much..."
    },
    {
        "body": "He found out how a Mercedes bends.",
        "id": "5tud6j",
        "score": 46,
        "title": "A man drove his car into a tree."
    },
    {
        "body": "So, I was talking to my friend the other day, and we ended up talking about our local deli.\n\n&nbsp;\n\nI asked him what his favorite sandwich was, and he told me it was the pastrami salami sandwich.\n\n&nbsp;\n\nThen I said \"I don't remember that one. What's on it exactly?\"\n\n&nbsp;\n\nHe said \"It's the one with the synthetic pork and lard sausage.\"\n\n&nbsp;\n\nI said \"No, you're thinking of the phony bologna sandwich.\"",
        "id": "5tud5j",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Favorite sandwich"
    },
    {
        "body": "/r/Jokes",
        "id": "5tuck5",
        "score": 657,
        "title": "I found a place where the recycling rate is 98%"
    },
    {
        "body": "But NaH",
        "id": "5tua38",
        "score": 28,
        "title": "I wanted to make a joke about chemistry tests"
    },
    {
        "body": "A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, \"Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!\" A pastor hears this and asks, \"Why are you calling them \"dam fish.\" The boy responds, \"Because I caught these fish at the local dam.\" The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, \"I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.\" He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, \"That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the fucking potatoes!\"",
        "id": "5tu968",
        "score": 24,
        "title": "Pass the dam fish!"
    },
    {
        "body": "Stay oveerrr there ",
        "id": "5tu8n8",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What did scorpion say to your ugly mum"
    },
    {
        "body": "Non existent, but I hope every day.\n\n",
        "id": "5tu89x",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "Finding the perfect shower temperature on the first try is like my girlfriend"
    },
    {
        "body": "His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbour is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy and to top it all off, his owner beats him regularly.  ",
        "id": "5tu7s0",
        "score": 36,
        "title": "A dick has a sad life if you think about it"
    },
    {
        "body": "He just couldn't see himself doing it.",
        "id": "5tu744",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "Why did the invisible man quit his new job?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Emanuel Labor",
        "id": "5tu6tw",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What do you call it when a Mexican provides hands-on internet services?"
    },
    {
        "body": "It's a no-ball cause. \n\n(But seriously you should)",
        "id": "5tu4wi",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "PSA: You should all donate money to testicular cancer research."
    },
    {
        "body": "Vinnie, my hitman, said he'd do it for me. ",
        "id": "5tu3fe",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "I'm a very busy businessman, but my wife still demanded that I take her out for valentine's day..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Every time I see someone racing their shopping cart down the parking lot I secretly hope they run into a car. Wham! ",
        "id": "5tu1ua",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Shopping Cart racing"
    },
    {
        "body": "Joke's on them, I'm never letting them out of my basement.",
        "id": "5tu1sd",
        "score": 445,
        "title": "Jehovah's witnesses are always banging on my door everyday"
    },
    {
        "body": "Hillary Clinton.",
        "id": "5tu1g5",
        "score": 159,
        "title": "The choice for president came down to two candidates: the moody bitch or"
    },
    {
        "body": "It went into the kitchen and caused a stir.",
        "id": "5ttyvk",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "Did you hear about the troublesome teaspoon?"
    },
    {
        "body": "It was a thanqueue.",
        "id": "5ttyps",
        "score": 8,
        "title": "I was standing in line for hours showing my appreciation to everyone I met."
    },
    {
        "body": "I hope she likes her new weed eater! ",
        "id": "5ttyb7",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day, and she said \"Something long and powerful that vibrates.\""
    },
    {
        "body": "Popcorn! ",
        "id": "5ttxvs",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Who's the father of corny jokes?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Because Jewish women won't take anything that's less than 10% off",
        "id": "5ttxs9",
        "score": 25,
        "title": "Why are Jewish men usually circumcised?"
    },
    {
        "body": "CrazyRussianHacker.",
        "id": "5ttx02",
        "score": 15,
        "title": "Who is Trump's favorite YouTuber?"
    },
    {
        "body": "when they want something",
        "id": "5ttww6",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "My mum calls me Scott, but my friends call me"
    },
    {
        "body": "But I won't be suede",
        "id": "5ttwuc",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "My friend is trying to convince me to replace all my skin with a plush brown material"
    },
    {
        "body": "And wow, that sure is a work out, it really....gets the blood moving",
        "id": "5ttwmo",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "I was doing CPR the other day"
    },
    {
        "body": "That shit could spell disaster",
        "id": "5ttvi9",
        "score": 99,
        "title": "Never swallow scrabble tiles..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Re-ali",
        "id": "5ttvgk",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "What kind of tea is hard to swallow sometimes?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Mr. Sketch.",
        "id": "5ttuqh",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "What marker is only sold in shady areas?"
    },
    {
        "body": "She sends a text message to her husband.\n\nW - \"Hi honey, this is my new number. Can't wait to see you tonight\"\n\nM - \"Hey babe. I can't tonight. I'm having dinner with my wife\"",
        "id": "5ttulk",
        "score": 12,
        "title": "A woman gets a new number"
    },
    {
        "body": "They Aaarrrrrrrrrrtificially Inseminate. ",
        "id": "5ttsv3",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "How do pirates have babies?"
    },
    {
        "body": "As her husband was getting in; and she heard the door bell and quickly wrapped herself in a towel and went downstairs. She opened the door and it was their next door neighbor, Mike. He said, I'll give you eight hundred dollars if you drop that towel right now. She thought, well that's a lot of money, so she dropped the towel. He gave her the money and left. She went upstairs and told her husband that the neighbor Mike had come by. He asked if he gave her the eight hundred dollars he owed him.",
        "id": "5ttspq",
        "score": 45,
        "title": "A woman was getting out of the shower"
    },
    {
        "body": "The title says it all.",
        "id": "5ttpqx",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "it all"
    },
    {
        "body": "How was I supposed to know it was bad to trigger snowflakes!",
        "id": "5ttp8r",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "During science class at school, I lowered the pressure and temperature in my lab flask, and introduced some tiny ice crystals to it. But my tutor stopped me and sent me home for trolling."
    },
    {
        "body": "An angel ushers the Frenchman into a room filled with every French delicacy imaginable and instructs him - you can eat whatever you want, but if you eat anything from this table, at 5:00 a boiling pot of French onion soup will be wheeled in and you're going in it. \n\nThe Frenchman thinks for a moment and stands back in fear. \n\nAn angel ushers the Italian into a room filled with every Italian delicacy imaginable and instructs him - you can eat whatever you want, but if you eat anything from this table, at 5:00 a boiling pot of Minestrone soup will be wheeled in and you're going in it. \n\nThe Italian thinks for a moment and stands back in fear.\n\nAn angel ushers the Jewish man into a room filled with every type of Jewish delicacy imaginable and instructs him - you can eat whatever you want, but if you eat anything from this table, at 5:00 a boiling pot of chicken soup will be wheeled in and you're going in it. \n\nThe Jewish guy thinks for a moment and begins stuffing his face with food. \n\nThe puzzled angel has never seen this before. No one ever dared to eat the food in fear of being thrown into the boiling soup. He asked the Jewish fellow - I don't understand, the Frenchman and Italian were too scared to eat, are you not afraid?\n\nThe Jewish guy answered - nah, I know how these Jewish events work, 5:00 is never 5:00 and the soup is never that hot. ",
        "id": "5tto6p",
        "score": 220,
        "title": "A Frenchman, an Italian and a Jewish man die and go to heaven...."
    },
    {
        "body": "Iceland",
        "id": "5tto1g",
        "score": 186,
        "title": "Have you ever noticed that Ireland is just one sea away from...."
    },
    {
        "body": "So I bought her a helmet and some crayons.",
        "id": "5ttnko",
        "score": 1918,
        "title": "My wife said she wanted to feel special this Valentines Day."
    },
    {
        "body": "After all, work just comes and goes.",
        "id": "5ttniy",
        "score": 194,
        "title": "It must be hard working as a prostitute."
    },
    {
        "body": "Roses are red violets are blue I am pregnant but it is not from you",
        "id": "5ttn62",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "For the valentines spirit"
    },
    {
        "body": "in soviet russia, poems write you. ",
        "id": "5ttmst",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "roses are red, violets are blue"
    },
    {
        "body": "that's it. that's the joke. ",
        "id": "5ttmh7",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "my friends carter and jack"
    },
    {
        "body": "Scene: A conversation with my friend\u2019s father, who knows I do \u2028Web design.\n\nFather: I have a business idea. How hard is it to make a Facebook?\n\nMe: Oh, very easy.\n\nFriend: He doesn\u2019t mean to make \u2028a Facebook profile. He means to \u2028remake all of Facebook.\n\nMe: Oh. Very hard.\n\nFather: Oh, OK.",
        "id": "5ttmaz",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Dad\u2019s Brilliant Business Plan"
    },
    {
        "body": "In little Nazis!",
        "id": "5ttlm4",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "How did Anne Frank tie her shoes?"
    },
    {
        "body": "You should have seen the look on the cashier's face",
        "id": "5ttllh",
        "score": 19,
        "title": "I recently came into some money."
    },
    {
        "body": "I think she's addickted.",
        "id": "5ttlfx",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "My sister can't stop having sex."
    },
    {
        "body": "People who answer their own questions.",
        "id": "5ttla0",
        "score": 103,
        "title": "You know what I hate?"
    },
    {
        "body": "The supervisor couldn't believe it. He lost his shit. ",
        "id": "5ttkzg",
        "score": 88,
        "title": "The pathology lab was robbed last night. The stool samples were gone!"
    },
    {
        "body": "A Spynach",
        "id": "5ttkn5",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "How do you call a vegetarian spy?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Husband : What do you want for Valentine Day ??\n\nWife :  Give me One Ring, that's enough ..\n\nHusband : From Landline or Mobile ??",
        "id": "5ttk92",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Valentine day gift"
    },
    {
        "body": "So I killed myself.",
        "id": "5ttjpf",
        "score": 47,
        "title": "When I went to pay for my items in a spiritualist shop I noticed a sign saying 'Queue on the other side'."
    },
    {
        "body": "1. Nice shirt.\n\n2. Wow. A second nice shirt.\n\n3. OK, first shirt again.\n\n4. He has two shirts.",
        "id": "5ttjel",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "What My Girlfriend Thought, First four Dates:"
    },
    {
        "body": "A: A quarter pounder with cheese.",
        "id": "5tthyn",
        "score": 15,
        "title": "Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?"
    },
    {
        "body": "His darkness rubbed off on him\n",
        "id": "5ttgh4",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Why was the pencil s bad influence on the paper ?"
    },
    {
        "body": "*Second airhorn sound*\n\nMe: \"Well this clearly isn't deodorant.\"",
        "id": "5ttfej",
        "score": 398,
        "title": "*Airhorn sound*"
    },
    {
        "body": "Numerous studies say that people who celebrate more birthdays live for longer",
        "id": "5ttej0",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "Celebrating birthdays is good"
    },
    {
        "body": "Suddenly he tripped and fell, spilling his contents all over the road. \n\nSensing no movement at all for quite some time, the road asked: \"Do you need some help so you can get up, cross the road and finish this joke?  What's wrong?\"\n\nThe salt replies: \"Freezing point depression.\"",
        "id": "5ttdr1",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "A bag of salt was crossing the road."
    },
    {
        "body": "You can't see them coming",
        "id": "5ttdm0",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "What's the best thing about John Cena jokes?"
    },
    {
        "body": "He offers Peter gold, thinking he can buy his way in. Peter looks at it and says, \"You brought me pavement?\"",
        "id": "5ttdbj",
        "score": 32,
        "title": "A rich guy dies and goes to the gates of heaven."
    },
    {
        "body": "At the grocery store.  I told her I would wait in the car.  What I didn't tell her was that I would move the car to the other end of the parking lot, and watch for her to come out.  \n\nSomething tells me that after 15 minutes of searching, she'll feel the same way I did in the dairy section.  Which butter is healthiest, she wondered, after reading the first 3 labels.  She's probably still reading them.  I can't wait to learn which one she'd chosen.",
        "id": "5ttbx5",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "I left my wife"
    },
    {
        "body": "Sometimes you get lucky, but most of the time you just lose your self esteem",
        "id": "5tta1e",
        "score": 70,
        "title": "Posting a joke on a Reddit is like going in a bar."
    },
    {
        "body": "Some geeky kid in the 80's forced it to.",
        "id": "5tt8k5",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "Why did the frog cross the road?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Doesn't matter you Reddit anyway.",
        "id": "5tt8bq",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "How Many Times is This Shit Going to Get Reposted?"
    },
    {
        "body": "An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are driving through a desert when their car breaks down. They decide they must walk across the desert. The Englishman takes an umbrella out of the boot and begins walking. The Irishman takes out his flask, fills it with whisky and follows the Englishman. The scot rips the door off the car and runs to catch up with the others. \n\nSometime later they come across an Arab caravan. A man walks up to them and says to the Englishman \u2018Sahib, you know that it does not rain around these parts?\u2019 The Englishman replies \u2018Ah but you see it is not for the rain, it is for the sun.\u2019 And so the Arab knew the Englishman was truly wise. He turns to the Irishman and says \u2018You have a flask but it is not filled with water?\u2019 \u2018Well you see\u2019 says the Irishman \u2018water can be trouble around here so I filled it with something more precious instead.\u2019 And so the Arab knew the Irishman was truly wise. \u2018And you sir, for what reason do you carry the door?\u2019 so the Scotsman says \u2018Well I figure, if I get too hot I can just wind down the window.\u2019\n\n\n*formatting",
        "id": "5tt805",
        "score": 60,
        "title": "An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are driving through a desert."
    },
    {
        "body": "when suddenly he sees a rain cloud approach. He doesn't want his animals getting soaked or they might end up cold. \n\nHe quickly scavenges for a bunch of branches and combines it with a tarp that he brought just for this occasion to build a make shift shelter. He whistles for his dog to herd them under the haphazard roof. He does a quick count and is shocked to find he suddenly has 30 cows. \n\nThe next day he brings his wife along with his cows. Without even waiting for rain he builds a canvas roof and herds all his cows inside and again his 26 cows turn into 30. But his wife is less than impressed. \n\n\"Don't you think that's amazing?!\" he asks her.\n\nThe Wife replies, \"It's just as expected, you rounded them up to the nearest tent.\"",
        "id": "5tt7cq",
        "score": 31,
        "title": "A farmer was letting his 26 cows graze on a field near his farm with his dog"
    },
    {
        "body": "He used the alternative fax.",
        "id": "5tt6nx",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "How did Trump avoid discovery when all of the main means of communication were being traced?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Cervical cancer. ",
        "id": "5tt6dg",
        "score": 591,
        "title": "What's black and eats pussy?"
    },
    {
        "body": "But I'd also like to get laid tomorrow night, so Walgreens after work it is.",
        "id": "5tt5wc",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "I'd like to think that my girlfriend and I have a relationship that is above being forced to buy simple gifts as part of a made up holiday that exploits working class people through the commercialism of enormous corporations"
    },
    {
        "body": "His subject matter is poorly executed.",
        "id": "5tt5qg",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "[NSFW] What does the South side of Chicago hate about their police chief?"
    },
    {
        "body": "...because they're originally from Bowling Green, and everyone was sorry for the loved ones they lost. ",
        "id": "5tt48v",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Cage the Elephant only won the Grammy out of pity..."
    },
    {
        "body": "However, she kept running and didn't say anything to me. I shrugged and kept going, thinking that maybe she didn't hear me. About 10 minutes later, she caught up to me again, and I once more waved and said \"hola.\" Still, she kept her eyes straight ahead as she passed me and didn't respond. At this point, I was a little offended and felt determined to at least get a response of some kind from her.  \n\nFinally, about 10 minutes later she caught up to me again, and as she passed I said \"hola\" somewhat louder than before. She finally slowed down and turned back to me and said \"A few times I've been around this track, so it's not just gonna happen like that, 'cause I ain't no hola back girl!\"",
        "id": "5tt469",
        "score": 10,
        "title": "So I was jogging around the track at the gym and this really hot Latina chick passed me. I gave her a friendly wave and said \"hola.\""
    },
    {
        "body": "What the hellman! ",
        "id": "5tt3rx",
        "score": 11,
        "title": "I just dropped my phone in a load of mayo."
    },
    {
        "body": "An ISIS members' dick.",
        "id": "5tt2ru",
        "score": 343,
        "title": "What's the smallest organ in a goat?"
    },
    {
        "body": "\nNothing...just ice",
        "id": "5tt2lg",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "What's Batman's favorite drink?"
    },
    {
        "body": "How do you get 4 hookers on to one stool?\n\nTurn It upside down. ",
        "id": "5tt2bs",
        "score": 15,
        "title": "4 hookers"
    },
    {
        "body": "I started looking throughout the house, and when I turn a corner there's a guy standing on my timepiece, borderline groping and harassing a girl. So I go up and punch the guy, that's not gonna happen. Not on my watch. ",
        "id": "5tt1kn",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "I was at a party and I lost my watch"
    },
    {
        "body": "pornhub is down; your facebook will do",
        "id": "5tt1dp",
        "score": 99,
        "title": "roses are red, violets are blue,"
    },
    {
        "body": "I don't know, ask your other dad.",
        "id": "5tt17w",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "Dad, Am I adopted ?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Unless everyone gets them ",
        "id": "5tszzo",
        "score": 31,
        "title": "Communism jokes aren't funny"
    },
    {
        "body": "Apparently, he has a huge apartment complex.",
        "id": "5tszwx",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "American Billionaire Grant Cardone is seeing a top psychiatrist."
    },
    {
        "body": "A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. \n\nHe orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:\n\n\"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.\" If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.\"\n\nTo which his wife responds: \"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!\"",
        "id": "5tsy9f",
        "score": 592,
        "title": "A Man Escapes From Prison"
    },
    {
        "body": "They're starting a focus group.",
        "id": "5tsxy7",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "The worlds 4 most famous partially sighted musicians have got together."
    },
    {
        "body": "*boo*-bees ",
        "id": "5tsxno",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What kind of bees make milk?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Sad and alone.",
        "id": "5tsx7f",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "I spend my valentines days like aging racist."
    },
    {
        "body": "Because they all want to fuck mother nature.",
        "id": "5tswwb",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "Humanity must have an Oedipus complex"
    },
    {
        "body": "Police are combing the area ",
        "id": "5tsv6s",
        "score": 11,
        "title": "Breaking: Donald Trumps hair has been reported as missing"
    },
    {
        "body": "So they can Scandinavian.",
        "id": "5tsud4",
        "score": 708,
        "title": "Why do they have bar codes on the returning Swedish fleet?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I couldn't even afford my electricity bills, they were the darkest times of my life.",
        "id": "5tsua0",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "I once got into so much debt"
    },
    {
        "body": "A treesome! ",
        "id": "5tstyf",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "What do you call two eco terrorists humping a tree?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Today, if I want to see her panties, I have to spread her butt cheeks.",
        "id": "5tsts2",
        "score": 200,
        "title": "Back then, if I wanted to see her panties, I had to lift her skirt."
    },
    {
        "body": "\nWhooops wrong sub!",
        "id": "5tsss4",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "ELI5 why can you get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Apparently, she was seeing someone else on the side.",
        "id": "5tsqv9",
        "score": 905,
        "title": "I had to break up with my cross-eyed girlfriend..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Wrecking an 18-year-old's pussy.",
        "id": "5tsqe7",
        "score": 330,
        "title": "I hope I leave this world the same way I came into it..."
    },
    {
        "body": "The title says it all",
        "id": "5tsp5j",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "It all"
    },
    {
        "body": "It all started with a big bang!",
        "id": "5tso4n",
        "score": 18,
        "title": "I have this theory about the origin of orgies."
    },
    {
        "body": "Batman can go out without robin ;)",
        "id": "5tsne4",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Whats the different between batman and a black man?"
    },
    {
        "body": "\"Why do you use a Samsung phone?\"\n\"To remind me that the apple was the first sin.\"\n\"So you are an atheist?\"\n\"Of course not! Why do you think that?\"\n\"Because I have notes on why Samsung's phones always end with a big bang!\"",
        "id": "5tsmou",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "A boy asks the Priest..."
    },
    {
        "body": "I guess you could say there's a real twist at the end...",
        "id": "5tsm5t",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "I finally watched Girl on the Train."
    },
    {
        "body": "A hatch opened and two little grey men with dazzling smiles appeared. They were promptly granted an audience with the Pope.\n\nAfter a brief discussion about the weather, the Pope said, \"I know this question may sound odd to you, but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?\"\n\n\"Jesus Christ?!\" exclaimed the slightly taller of two aliens. \"Of course we do! He visits our planet every two years or so. Awesome fellow!\"\n\nA hush descended on the audience chamber, and everyone watched the Pope, whose face had turned a rather odd purple.\n\n\"Every two years?\" he shouted. \"We're still waiting for his second coming!\"\n\n\"Maybe he didn't like your chocolate?\" suggested the alien.\n\n\"Chocolate?\" replied the Pope. \"What in heaven's name does chocolate have to do with it?\"\n\n\"Well,\" said the alien. \"When he came to our planet, we gave him chocolate. Why, what did you do?\"",
        "id": "5tslvm",
        "score": 2637,
        "title": "The alien vessel landed quietly on St Peter's square in Rome..."
    },
    {
        "body": "She was nervous but sat on one tall stool in front of the bartender..\n\nthe guy sitting on her left said: \"Jack Daniels, Single\"\n\nthe Guy on her right side ordered: \"Johnny Walker, Single\"\n\nnow the bartender looked at the lady & said, \"And You?\"\n\nLady replied: \"Yolanda, Married\"",
        "id": "5tsl7q",
        "score": 115,
        "title": "A Lady visited a bar for the first time.."
    },
    {
        "body": "Now I'm handiclapped",
        "id": "5tsk85",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "I got a venereal disease from a girl in a wheelchair"
    },
    {
        "body": "A cripflip",
        "id": "5tsjlt",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "What is a gang member's favorite skateboarding trick?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Neither have they.",
        "id": "5tsiwl",
        "score": 34,
        "title": "Ever tasted Ethiopian food?"
    },
    {
        "body": "But she didn't seem too happy when I took her tea shirt off.",
        "id": "5tsiki",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "This girl kept saying how Brits drank too much tea and how she hated it."
    },
    {
        "body": "Having said that, I love them.",
        "id": "5tsifd",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "I hate people who always sit on the fence with two opinions."
    },
    {
        "body": "He's having a mid-life crisis",
        "id": "5tshw2",
        "score": 89,
        "title": "What's wrong with that 5 year old Ethiopian?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Starbucks.",
        "id": "5tsfze",
        "score": 25,
        "title": "What currency do they use in outer space?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I read an article about drones recently. A software development firm was testing drones in the Amazon basin and developing mapping software when they began receiving strange anomalies in the data. \nThe drones were covering more area than they had modeled in the software. \nThey couldn't figure out why the drones were exceeding the units per second figures of their graphs. \nThat's when I realized: Amazon drones are always faster than U(nit)P(er)S(econd) estimations. ",
        "id": "5tsf10",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Amazon Drones"
    },
    {
        "body": "She said, \"Stop wearing my bra's.\"",
        "id": "5tsdtg",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "I just removed my sister's bra."
    },
    {
        "body": "I mean, what do you get for your left hand?",
        "id": "5tsd1c",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "Valentine's Day is around the corner and I don't know what to get my partner..."
    },
    {
        "body": "With iPhone accessories.",
        "id": "5tscx1",
        "score": 5378,
        "title": "How do you milk sheep?"
    },
    {
        "body": "He was out standing in his field ",
        "id": "5tscve",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "How did the Scarecrow, win the award?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Successful",
        "id": "5tsbo6",
        "score": 8,
        "title": "What do you call a guy who gets lots of blowjobs?"
    },
    {
        "body": "They're both shiite ",
        "id": "5ts9xe",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "I bumped into Liam Gallagher in Manchester the other day and he told me this joke. \"What do Blur and Iranians have in common?\""
    },
    {
        "body": "Because he was bard!",
        "id": "5ts9rx",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Why couldn't William Shakespeare go to the pub?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Is her gravitational pull  ",
        "id": "5ts9p9",
        "score": 12,
        "title": "The most attractive thing about your mom..."
    },
    {
        "body": "I only know because they told everyone within two minutes ",
        "id": "5ts95n",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "An atheist, a vegan and a CrossFitter walk into a bar"
    },
    {
        "body": "A time traveler walk into a bar",
        "id": "5ts940",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "So the bartender says \"I'm sorry, but we don't serve time travelers here\""
    },
    {
        "body": "Raindrops are dank\n\nMy father died. How?, my repulsive ass stank\n\n(not funny, but a valentines day related joke)",
        "id": "5ts88b",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Roses are red"
    },
    {
        "body": "The first day, the priest was teaching him the new job. A girl walked into the church and confessed that she commited adultery once. The priest said: \"You need to donate one dollar to the church so God may forgive you\". So she did that and left. Then came another woman and confessed commiting adultery twice, so the priest told her she needs to donate two dollars to the church. Then the priest said:\"You got the hang of it, I'm going to the bathroom and you need to do the same thing until I come back, and remember, never take more money than you should\". When the priest came back he found the new guy fucking a woman on the altar, he got mad and started yelling: \"Are you out of your mind! What are you doing?!\" The sex addict replied: \"Calm down man, this one said she commited adultery eight times and she donated a 10 dollar bill and I didn't have any change to give back to her so I had to fuck her twice\".",
        "id": "5ts7vb",
        "score": 22,
        "title": "A sex addict decided to repent and volunteer in the local church..."
    },
    {
        "body": "His 4 children are there, 3 tall with red hair, 1 short with black hair, as well as his wife.\n\"Before I die, tell me,is that my child?\"He asks his wife, pointing to the shortest.\n\n\"I swear on everything that's your kid.\"The wife replies.\n\nRelieved the father then passes away. Shortly after he passes, his wife mutters \"Thank god he didn't ask about the other three.\"\n\n\n\n\n\nEdit: makes more sense, also some spacing.\n",
        "id": "5ts7td",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "A father is on his deathbed."
    },
    {
        "body": "A shocktopus.",
        "id": "5ts6ei",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "What do you get when you cross an octopus with an electric eel?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Boss: \"I'm sorry but you are fired\"\n\nCoworker: \"why? I didn't do anything?\"\n\nBoss: \"Bingo\"",
        "id": "5ts59x",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "A boss wanted fire one of his coworkers"
    },
    {
        "body": "A mother takes her three son\u2019s to enroll in school. The teacher asks.\n\nTeacher: What are your son\u2019s names?\n\nLady: This boy\u2019s name is Leroy, this other boy\u2019s name is Leroy, and Leroy here is my third son\u2019s name.\n\nTeacher: Isn\u2019t it confusing having all three boy\u2019s named the same?\n\nLady: Oh no, you see when it\u2019s time for lunch I just holler out the door, Leroy! it\u2019s time for lunch, and they all come a runnin. When it\u2019s time for dinner I just holler out the door, Leroy! it\u2019s time for dinner and they all come a runnin.\n\nTeacher: Ok, so what do you do when you want a specific boy?\n\nLady: Oh, well then I just holler out their last name.",
        "id": "5ts4vf",
        "score": 1213,
        "title": "A mother takes her three son\u2019s to enroll in school. The teacher asks."
    },
    {
        "body": "I did!\nIt's on 14th Feb!\nLaugh please I'm pathetic",
        "id": "5ts3ua",
        "score": 19,
        "title": "Has anyone found a date for Valentine's?"
    },
    {
        "body": "With a crowbar.",
        "id": "5ts2wn",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "How did the Ancient Greeks seperate the men from the boys?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Who's there?\nMe.\nMe who?\nI didn't know you had a cat.",
        "id": "5ts25h",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Knock Knock"
    },
    {
        "body": "seeing how she grimaced, the janitor asked if there was someone in the toilet, to which the woman responded \"Almost!\"",
        "id": "5ts09e",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "A woman cried and slammed the door of the restroom . . ."
    },
    {
        "body": "It has alkynes of problems.",
        "id": "5ts03t",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "I can never understand organic chemistry."
    },
    {
        "body": "But then I changed my mind.",
        "id": "5trzzd",
        "score": 435,
        "title": "I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant."
    },
    {
        "body": "Throw shade",
        "id": "5trxbi",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "What do trees do when they get mad at each other?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.",
        "id": "5trw20",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Well, he's fine. He's awake now. ",
        "id": "5trv95",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "Did you hear about the kid-napping at the school?"
    },
    {
        "body": "*Lady doctors. Apparently I have all sorts of viruses.",
        "id": "5trudp",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "I've been told I'm a \"real catch\" by the ladies."
    },
    {
        "body": "A guy was going on a vacation to France. He was aware of that most french people don't speak english so he ordered a french lesson for one day to learn the necessities when going to a new country. The day for the lesson came, but when he arrived at the school, it seemed quite empty. He went in saw a guy sitting behind a counter. \"Hi, I came for the french lesson today\" our guy said. \"Oh, I'm sorry. The French teacher is ill and will be home for a week.\" \"So there is no one that know any french here?\" \"No I'm sorry. But I have a little note I can give you. Just show it when you order something, or don't know what to say, and it should work out fine\" \"Uhm ok. What does it say?\" \"I'm sorry, I don't know, really. The french teacher just told me to give it to people while he was gone.\" Our guy thought that was fair enough. He didn't have time to order a new lesson anyway.\n\nThe day for the journey came. With a packed bag he went to the airport and flew all the way to France. He arrived in France in the evening and went out to grab a cab. A cab arrived and after greeting the French cab driver he figured he could use the note and see if the driver would understand what it said. He showed the note. The driver looked at the note, then at our guy, then at the note, and back at the guy, before he cursed in french and drove off. \"Well that's weird. Maybe the note isn't ment for cab drivers\" he thought and walked until he found a bus. He went on the bus and thought he'd give the note another try. The bus driver looked at the note and went red in an instant. He commanded our guy off the bus, and drove away. This annoyed our guy a little. He waited for another bus and did not show the note this time. He said the name of his hotel, the bus driver nodded, he paid and sat down next to a lady. She asked him in french if he was american and he said yes. She seemed to understand a little english, so he thought she could translate the note. He asked if she could and she nodded. He pulled out the note and showed it to her. She read it and quickly shoved it away from her in anger, and she called for the bus driver. Our guy understood what they wanted and stood the rest of the ride in frustration. He finally arrived at his hotel tired of being yelled at and ready to sleep. At the receptions desk he told his name, they wrote something down and asked him for ID. When finding his ID the note accidentally fell out of his pocket and onto the counter. The receptionist read it and as he expected, got really mad. Another guy that worked there came and they talked for a while, before accepting that our guy could sleep there, but they weren't happy about it. \n\"That's it. I've had enough of this, tomorrow I'm going back home!\" our guy thought, and so he did.\n\nLuckily this was easier. He did not show the note to anyone and mimed his way back to America. He stayed home for a week before deciding to go back to the french school, now that the teacher was back, and find out what the note said. At the school he met the teacher and asked quite annoyed what the note said. \"Let me see\" the teacher said putting on his glasses. Our guy handed him the note. At this time two windows were open. A gust of wind blew the note out of their hands and out one of the windows, and they never found it. Neither did our guy find out what the note said... Not even I know... Sorry\n\n\n\n\n\n",
        "id": "5trtyy",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "The french note"
    },
    {
        "body": "Dad: \"Not yet. We still haven't found anyone who wants you.\"",
        "id": "5trtfi",
        "score": 19525,
        "title": "Son: \"Dad, Am I adopted\"?"
    },
    {
        "body": "He cries into it: \"Fuck you bitch!\"\n\nThen echo replies: \"Bitch you fuck!\"\n\nA bit puzzled, he cries again: \"Bitch you fuck!\"\n\nAnd a second later, he hears: \"Fuck you bitch!\"\n\nEven more puzzled, he cries inside: \"Fuck you bitch bitch you fuck!\"\n\nThe manhole replies: \"Fuck off dude, I'm trying to work here\"",
        "id": "5trstg",
        "score": 19,
        "title": "A man walks on a street and sees an open manhole"
    },
    {
        "body": "I saw a huge seagull this morning. It was big enough to be a D gull... But not quite big enough to be an eagle.  One thing's for sure, it definitely wasn't a beagle.",
        "id": "5trr7q",
        "score": 12,
        "title": "I saw a seagull"
    },
    {
        "body": "Because it has two banks",
        "id": "5trqqc",
        "score": 14,
        "title": "Why is a river so rich?"
    },
    {
        "body": "It causes premature evacuation.",
        "id": "5trq3d",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "When a fire breaks out at a swingers convention"
    },
    {
        "body": "Put a little boogie in it.",
        "id": "5trop7",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "How do you make a handkerchief dance?"
    },
    {
        "body": "You go for the juggler.",
        "id": "5trob5",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "How do you deal with a bunch of clowns?"
    },
    {
        "body": "FUCKING SHIT CUNT!",
        "id": "5trnj3",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "What do we want? A cure for tourrettes. When do we want it?"
    },
    {
        "body": "He wants to Stimulate his Pences.",
        "id": "5trndt",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Donald Trump loves chewing 5 Gum"
    },
    {
        "body": "Udderly Tickled",
        "id": "5trnb5",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "What do you call a cow running through tall grass?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Girl: Oh good, cus I have several of those!\n\nGuy: Uh... what?\n\nGirl: _Shh!_ don't _listen_ to _her!_ ",
        "id": "5trmje",
        "score": 33,
        "title": "What I find most sexy in a girl is her personality"
    },
    {
        "body": "15 years to life",
        "id": "5trlv4",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "What do black men do after sex?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I see you drivin'\n'Round town with the girl I love\nAnd I'm like haiku",
        "id": "5trl3w",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "What if Cee-Lo Green wrote a poem?"
    },
    {
        "body": "She really wanted a hummer. ",
        "id": "5trk2p",
        "score": 40,
        "title": "For my wife's birthday, I got a guy to follow her all day making bee noises."
    },
    {
        "body": "When it turns into a driveway.",
        "id": "5trjjd",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "When is a car not a car?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Doctor: it could be a sexually tran...\nMe: not unless I got it from a toilet seat\nMe:(",
        "id": "5triej",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "When my doctor suspects sexual transmission"
    },
    {
        "body": "Remains to be seen.",
        "id": "5tri1w",
        "score": 170,
        "title": "Will glass coffins be a success?"
    },
    {
        "body": "The polices are looking for a gang of hardened criminals",
        "id": "5trhk9",
        "score": 571,
        "title": "Breaking news: An entire shipment of Viagra has been stolen"
    },
    {
        "body": "Everyone is totally amazed at the sight, then one of his buddy's asked how did you get this young thing to marry you. .. ........Told her I was 80...\ufeff",
        "id": "5trh65",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "This 70 year old guy walks in to his favorite bar with his new 25 year old bride"
    },
    {
        "body": "The professor asks him if he's done with the lab.  \nHe says, \"Yes, professor, this is my final solution.\"",
        "id": "5trgtz",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "A German chemistry student holds up a small vial of HCn."
    },
    {
        "body": "3rd grade",
        "id": "5trgof",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What is the longest and hardest thing for a black man?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Because they have a hollow-weenie\n\nsorry",
        "id": "5trfl7",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "Why are ghosts impotent?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I guess I got scared shitless.",
        "id": "5trf72",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "My roomate scared me as I was leaving the bathroom"
    },
    {
        "body": "It feels good to jerk my dick with my left hand from time to time. ",
        "id": "5treyf",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "I've decided that I like the alt-right"
    },
    {
        "body": "Nobody gives a dam.",
        "id": "5trep1",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "The real reason it floods after the levee breaks?"
    },
    {
        "body": "The Atlanta Falcons would also like to replay the 4th Quarter of the Superbowl",
        "id": "5tregj",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "Adele requested and got a reset/restart on her song at the Grammy because she messed up"
    },
    {
        "body": "Friend: So how'd they taste?",
        "id": "5tre8n",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Got my rabbits balls chopped off"
    },
    {
        "body": "He knows no Juan in Mexico can foot the bill.",
        "id": "5trdnl",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "The reason why Bill Gates is paying for Donald Trump's wall"
    },
    {
        "body": "Ground beef.",
        "id": "5trdl3",
        "score": 22,
        "title": "What do you call a cow with no legs..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Unfortunately, After every time we \u222be^x I am left with an e^x ",
        "id": "5trdjo",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "[Math] Hey girl, want to come over and integrate?"
    },
    {
        "body": "\\* Opens my eyes \\*\n\nDoctor: You were in Coma for four years.\n\nMe: Just five more minutes please.\n\n\\* Goes back to sleep \\*\n",
        "id": "5trdgo",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "I love sleeping so much!"
    },
    {
        "body": "I meant to ask her to \"feed the dogs.\" Instead I said, \"You ruined my life, you soul sucking, evil beast.\"",
        "id": "5trdfm",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "I had a Freudian slip with my wife tonight."
    },
    {
        "body": "And a chair, and a table. ",
        "id": "5trcv7",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "A blind man walks into a bar..."
    },
    {
        "body": "On the condition to recycle Samsung Galaxy Note 7",
        "id": "5trbkz",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Breaking News: Samsung has agreed to work with Bill Gates on Trump's wall"
    },
    {
        "body": "Sex with two people is called a twosome.\n\n\nThat is why they call me handsome.",
        "id": "5trbbo",
        "score": 26,
        "title": "Sex with three people is called a threesome."
    },
    {
        "body": "The bartender says That's a nice pig you got there.\nThe woman says it's not a pig it's a parrot.\nThe bartender says I was talking to the parrot.",
        "id": "5trb61",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "A naked lady walks into a bar with a parrot on her shoulder."
    },
    {
        "body": "4 skin divers.",
        "id": "5tr9ul",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "How do you circumcise a whale?"
    },
    {
        "body": "He was talking to his grandfather and they were both huge hunters. \nA conversation arose about ticks, and how they would always affect the game they caught, how they were \"fuckin' blood sacs of the devil\". \nA light turns on and my dad turns around abruptly and sees his mother standing there in a white gown. \n\n\"Who and what the fuck are you talking about\"?\n\n\"Geandfather! Talkin' about ticks! \n\nTick talk!\" \n\nMy grandmother shakes her head and with a blank expression says\n\n\"Carl that a fucking clock.\"",
        "id": "5tr8yo",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "My das was telling me why he quit drinking."
    },
    {
        "body": "Now I'm feeling rather down",
        "id": "5tr8kr",
        "score": 8,
        "title": "I accidently lost some chromosomes today"
    },
    {
        "body": "Relationship",
        "id": "5tr8h7",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Love is an open~"
    },
    {
        "body": "Just a little off the top",
        "id": "5tr7su",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "What did the man who went to get circumcised say?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day",
        "id": "5tr7im",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "I bought shoes from a drug dealer..."
    },
    {
        "body": "I'm gonna krill myself.",
        "id": "5tr7ij",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "If I hear one more pun about whale food..."
    },
    {
        "body": "\"Fred Goldman cause he took mine!\" - OJ Simpson",
        "id": "5tr711",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Who's the first Jewish guy to ever win a Heisman trophy?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Because they don't have any locks ",
        "id": "5tr6r1",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "Why don't bald people use keys?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Immigrants do the jobs average Americans won't. ",
        "id": "5tr6j6",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "I think Trump's wife just goes to show..."
    },
    {
        "body": "I told him it was an accident... he said I was full of shit ",
        "id": "5tr69z",
        "score": 21,
        "title": "I accidentally butt dialed my proctologist once..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Because once you come, you regret.",
        "id": "5tr5lb",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "The hardest part about having sex with a tranny is not coming."
    },
    {
        "body": "The P is silent",
        "id": "5tr5dd",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Know why you can't hear a pterodactyl use the bathroom?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A trump card",
        "id": "5tr4cb",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What do you call to Donald Trump's business card?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Bet fuel\n",
        "id": "5tr41t",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "What do you call gambling currency that can't melt steel beams?"
    },
    {
        "body": "She ran.",
        "id": "5tr351",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "What happened to Ed Sheeran's girlfriend?"
    },
    {
        "body": "\nFor example, in China, Dogs makes a sizzling sound!\n\n\n*I know I am going to hell for this but this was an old joke that was told to me. *\n",
        "id": "5tr1to",
        "score": 259,
        "title": "Did you know that animals make a different sounds depending what part of the world you are in....?"
    },
    {
        "body": "The bartender asks: Hey cool, where'd you get it?\n\nThe parrot says: Africa ",
        "id": "5tr1ks",
        "score": 187,
        "title": "A black guy with a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar"
    },
    {
        "body": "Because they're only there for the boos.",
        "id": "5tr0y4",
        "score": 26,
        "title": "Why do ghosts have trouble meeting girls at bars?"
    },
    {
        "body": "",
        "id": "5tr0co",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "Obese people are a very large portion of the population."
    },
    {
        "body": "Just ice.",
        "id": "5tr05b",
        "score": 57,
        "title": "What does Superman put in his drink?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A crash course on 9/11",
        "id": "5tqx21",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "What's the worst name for a history lesson?"
    },
    {
        "body": "It was Spring Break and several friends arranged to spend the week in a cabin in a remote, forested region about 3 hours from school.   \n\nThere was nothing noteworthy about the first two hours, but it was as if we\u2019d entered a strange new world once we\u2019d left the interstate highways to proceed on farm roads with odd names and/or numbers.\nNo other cars.   These paved roads appeared well-worn, but it was unfamiliar!  There were barbed wire fences on both sides of this two lane road and random horses and cows.    \n\nThen, suddenly, there was a blur that burst past the side of our car.\n\nWhat was that?!  We both uttered these words, simultaneously.    We decided to find out.   \n\nI was driving 60mph, so I sped up to 70mph.   I was gaining on the blur, but it was clear I needed to go faster if I had any hope to identify this freakishly speedy blur.\n\nI accelerated to 80mph but it seemed to be moving much faster.   Just as I exceeded 90mph I realized I\u2019d never match it\u2019s speed.  But suddenly the blur made a right turn onto an humble dirt road.  \n\nI screeched to a halt.  My buddy said, \u2018you gotta turn around and try to see what that thing was!!\u2019  I was curious, as well, so that\u2019s precisely what I did.\n\nI cautiously proceeded down this dirt road and it was less than 1/2mile when we noticed a broken down wooden shack of a home.   On the porch were three folks in rocking chairs.  I parked my car and stepped out, politely announcing my name and asking if these folks had seen this blur that had us so perplexed!\n\n\u201cOh, yeah\u201d, responded the old lady.   \u201cThat was one of our three legged chickens.\u201d\n\nMy buddy reacted, \u201cthree legged chickens?\u201d\n\nShe continued, \u201cwell, me, Paw and Jr. all LOVE chicken legs.  It was Jr\u2019s idea.   He said we needed to raise three legged chickens!  And that\u2019s what we did!  That blur---you seen one of em!\u2019  \n\nJr\u2019s beeming  pride was obvious as he smiled a smile so incredible it exposed his dozen remaining teeth!!  The American Dental Association would have been bewildered, speechless!\n\n\u201cSounds like a great idea!\u201d, I said.  I continued, \u201cSo\u2026..how do they taste?\u201d\n\nJr\u2019s smile evaporated as Maw responded, \u201cdon\u2019t know.   Can\u2019t catch \u2018em.\u201d\n",
        "id": "5tqwb1",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Three legged chicken....."
    },
    {
        "body": "Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog. ",
        "id": "5tqvz0",
        "score": 93,
        "title": "What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Your acute.\n(Squiggly line because gay because squiggly line =/= straight)",
        "id": "5tqvr2",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "What did the squiggly line say to the angle?"
    },
    {
        "body": "\"I will bomb Hiroshima Again\"",
        "id": "5tqvnp",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What did trump say to Chinese president in a phone call?"
    },
    {
        "body": "As if it isnt broken fucking enough",
        "id": "5tqvdn",
        "score": 14,
        "title": "Breaking News:"
    },
    {
        "body": "Valentines is tomorrow and i just wondering anyone could tell me a jokes so i can write on it to my gf\nThank you!!",
        "id": "5tqu2d",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "Need a joke for valentines card"
    },
    {
        "body": "Guess it was a stroke of luck.",
        "id": "5tqtu4",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "My dad won the lottery after having a stroke"
    },
    {
        "body": "Never fired.  Only dropped once.  ",
        "id": "5tqtre",
        "score": 51,
        "title": "For Sale: French WWII Rifle"
    },
    {
        "body": " he can now keep up with how his cousin, brother, & wife are doing while watching Lockup: Wichita.",
        "id": "5tqtgl",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "A Trump supporter is glad the election is finally over & can go back to watching his favorite show on MSNBC..."
    },
    {
        "body": "'cause that ass is bomb.",
        "id": "5tqt0b",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "Damn girl, are you Muslim?"
    },
    {
        "body": "so that it would run faster, but now it doesn't work. ",
        "id": "5tqsxi",
        "score": 84,
        "title": "I painted my computer black"
    },
    {
        "body": "If it's brown, stop it at the border and submit it to extreme vetting.  ",
        "id": "5tqsa7",
        "score": 14,
        "title": "If it's yellow, let it mellow"
    },
    {
        "body": "Military history class. We have this one guy in class who doesn't really say much and tends to keep to himself; just figured one of those 'man of few words' kinda guys. One day, we were discussing the planes used in WW2. Ensuing discussion goes as such\n\nProfessor: So what planes did we have during that time?\n\nStudent 1: Well we had the Cobra and Mustang\n\nProfessor: Ok and what did the Japanese have?\n\nStudent 2: Japanese had zeros\n\nProfessor: And what was the main difference between us and them?\n\nQuiet kid: We didn't crash as much\n\nThe professor tried to keep it together but started rolling, dropped his marker, and said 'Class dismissed'. We had 20 minutes left. Thanks quiet kid",
        "id": "5tqrom",
        "score": 302,
        "title": "Quiet guy in class had this gem of a response"
    },
    {
        "body": "Its called \"Beauty and the feast\" ",
        "id": "5tqrc1",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Did you hear about the movie in which a young fat lady gets kidnapped?"
    },
    {
        "body": "In a car crash and go to heaven, Sister Margeret, Sister Patricia, and Sister Mary. They meet Peter at the gates of heaven. \n\nPeter : \" Before any of you get in, you need to wash the part of your body in the fountain of holy water that has been lustfully used to sin\"\n\nSister Margeret walks to the fountain and washes her hands. \n\nPeter : \" Thankyou Sister Margeret you may walk through\", Sister Patricia, your next.\n\nAs Sister Patricia walks up, Sister Mary quickly runs and pushes her out of the way and gets to the fountain first. \n\nPeter : \"Wait your turn!!!!, you cannot push in like that!!. \n\nSister Mary: \" Please!!! , Please!!!, let me wash out my mouth before Sister Patricia puts her ass in it!\"\n\n\n\n\n\n",
        "id": "5tqr1t",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "Three Nuns Die"
    },
    {
        "body": "A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, \"How long before I can get a haircut?\"\nThe barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, \"About 2 hours.\"\nThe guy left.\nA few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, \"How long before I can get a haircut?\"\nThe barber looked around at the shop and said, \"About 3 hours.\"\nThe guy left.\n\nA week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, \"How long before I can get a haircut?\"\nThe barber looked around the shop and said, \"About an hour and a half.\"\nThe guy left.\n\nThe barber turned to his friend and said, \"Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.\"\nA little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.\nThe barber asked, \"So, where does he go when he leaves?\"\nBob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, \"Your house!\"",
        "id": "5tqqgy",
        "score": 1477,
        "title": "A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and....."
    },
    {
        "body": "'Whew! It's hot in this oven!'\n\nHow did the other muffin reply?\n\n'Holy shit! A talking muffin!'\n\n\n\n\n\nGo easy on me, it's my first post to reddit.",
        "id": "5tqp88",
        "score": 15,
        "title": "What did one muffin say to the other?"
    },
    {
        "body": "But I'm not so sure about that, considering the only word longer than four syllables they know is \"T-t-t-t....\"",
        "id": "5tqp3w",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "They say people who stammer aren't idiots"
    },
    {
        "body": "A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.\nShe goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.\nHe asks the lady, \"Do you have a Vagina?\"\nShe slams the door in disgust.\nThe next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, \"Do you have a Vagina?\"\nShe slams the door again.\nLater that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days.\nThe husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, \"Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again.\"\nThe next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. \nThe husband whisperes to the wife, \"Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the\nquestion because I want to a see where he's going with this.\"\nShe nods yes to her husband and opens the door.\nSure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, \"Do you have a Vagina?\"\n\"Yes I do.\" says the lady.\nThe man replies, \"Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!\"",
        "id": "5tqows",
        "score": 327,
        "title": "A woman is at home when she hears someone......"
    },
    {
        "body": "whether Adam and Eve were British, French, or Russian. \n\nThe British guy says, \" Obviously they were both British, observe how Adam offered Eve some of his apple after he received it from her, true British manners\".\n\nFrench guy says: \"Non, non, monsieur they were both French. First of all they were both NAKED, and Eve was so feminine and seductive and drove Adam nuts\".\n\nRussian guy says: \"Both of you are wrong. I can prove conclusively that Adam and Eve were nothing but Russian. They had no clothes. They had no heat.  All that was left to eat was one lousy apple and they called it paradise!\"",
        "id": "5tqo2p",
        "score": 19,
        "title": "A British guy, a Frenchman and a Russian were in a bar debating"
    },
    {
        "body": "Get drunk in a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper. The American says:\n\n\"There's an updraft on the 7th floor that allows you to jump out this window and land on the 4th floor.\"\n\n\"Bullshit\" says the Irish.\n\nSo the American jumps from the top floor and sure enough; just as he goes past the 7th floor, he slows down and lands on the 4th. \n\n\"Fucking fun!\" says the Irish guy as he jumps. And falls to his death.\n\n\"You're a right cunt when your drunk Superman!\" says the Englishman",
        "id": "5tqn5l",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "An Englishman, an Irishman and an American"
    },
    {
        "body": "Hit it with a bat",
        "id": "5tqk1v",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "How do you give a vampire a concussion?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Never any dental records and all the DNA's the same.",
        "id": "5tqk02",
        "score": 386,
        "title": "Redneck murders are hard to solve."
    },
    {
        "body": "It would've left yesterday, but it's taking its time.",
        "id": "5tqjy4",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "My alarm clock decided to leave me tomorrow."
    },
    {
        "body": "He had a *loco*-motive",
        "id": "5tqic9",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "Why did the Spanish guy rob a train?"
    },
    {
        "body": "About 50 pounds.",
        "id": "5tqi5x",
        "score": 13,
        "title": "What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?"
    },
    {
        "body": "In marvels luke cage everyone thinks that luke has super powers because he's bullet proof.\n\nBut bullet proof black people isn't a super power it's straight up evolution.",
        "id": "5tqi4h",
        "score": 67,
        "title": "Luke cage"
    },
    {
        "body": "Guess it couldn't take my crap anymore.",
        "id": "5tqhqh",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "My toilet left me today"
    },
    {
        "body": "They come out of the closet every morning.",
        "id": "5tqgq1",
        "score": 43,
        "title": "I just realized how gay my clothes are."
    },
    {
        "body": "They don't like to choose but when they do they pickaxe",
        "id": "5tqgpa",
        "score": 17,
        "title": "What kind of deodorant do dwarves use?"
    },
    {
        "body": "You have my Word.",
        "id": "5tqfmv",
        "score": 14,
        "title": "Someone stole my Microsoft Office, and they're going to pay."
    },
    {
        "body": "So my Jewish friend informed me that his mom was low key, unimpressed with his \"manspreading\".  \nI feel bad; the rabbi could avoid all of this by cutting off just a bit more.",
        "id": "5tqfll",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "The final solution to manspreading."
    },
    {
        "body": "\"That would be lovely!\"\n\nGreat! Will you bring back some crisps and beer?",
        "id": "5tqfef",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Hey Sue, wouldn't it be lovely to take a nice walk today?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I run an oil drill rig.",
        "id": "5tqeru",
        "score": 40,
        "title": "I have the most boring job of all..."
    },
    {
        "body": "..but I loved her still. ",
        "id": "5tqe9f",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "She was a whisky maker.."
    },
    {
        "body": "A crack dealer",
        "id": "5tqdwk",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What do you call a black man standing on a street corner?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Man, the moment the EPA gets threatened people start dropping white trash in our water.",
        "id": "5tqcre",
        "score": 600,
        "title": "The Imperial Wizard of the KKK was just found dead near a river in Missouri..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Because that would be redundant. ",
        "id": "5tqc4t",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Why doesn't Sean Spicer wear a sign that says everything that comes out of his mouth is BS?"
    },
    {
        "body": "My friend was wearing one and got shot by the woman's husband. ",
        "id": "5tqboi",
        "score": 54,
        "title": "Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore...."
    },
    {
        "body": "Bill: So I went to the bank yesterday to talk about a loan\n\n\nSteve: What do you need a loan for?\n\n\n\nBill: Oh, I don't. The bank does.",
        "id": "5tqbbu",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Bill Gates and Steve Jobs Talk At A Bar After a Long Day of Gettin' Money"
    },
    {
        "body": "Reddit replies: Username checks out!",
        "id": "5tqa4n",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "I'm sorry that I sent you Donald Trump"
    },
    {
        "body": "One is turned off by children.",
        "id": "5tqa0g",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "What's the difference between Michael Jackson and an Xbox?"
    },
    {
        "body": "An invasion of privacy.",
        "id": "5tq9qa",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "What do u get when an alien barges into your bathroom while you're taking a shower?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I don't like chocolate ",
        "id": "5tq9go",
        "score": 12,
        "title": "Life is like a box of chocolates"
    },
    {
        "body": "Lawyers don't think they're funny, and other people don't think they're jokes.",
        "id": "5tq86m",
        "score": 14,
        "title": "What's the problem with lawyer jokes?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A girl with no arms and no legs goes to the beach with her mother. While they are sitting on the beach, she starts crying and tells her mother that she's never gotten a hug before and  she thinks the lifeguard is really cute and has her mother ask him if she can get a hug from him.\n\nMom goes up to the lifeguard and tells him her daughter wants a hug. So he comes over while she is still crying and gives her a hug. As he's walking away, she starts crying more and the lifeguard asks what is wrong. She says she's never had a kiss before and asks if he could give her a kiss. The lifeguard is a little reluctant but gives her a kiss. As he is walking away the girl starts crying hysterically, and now the lifeguard is thinking, what the hell is wrong with her. He says to her \"what's wrong\" and she says back, \"I've never had sex before, I've never been fucked\"... the lifeguard then picks her up, walks over to the ocean and throws her in and shouts \"THERE! NOW YOU'RE FUCKED!\"",
        "id": "5tq84a",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "A girl with no arms and legs goes to the beach"
    },
    {
        "body": "A man travels to Spain and decides to watch one of the bullfighting matches for which Spain is well known. \n\nThe match was intense & thrilling. Unlike anything which can be found anywhere else in the world. Afterwards there was a celebration for the Torero (Bullfighter) and the crowd slowly dispersed, with the man leaving among the last of them so that he could savor the experience. \n\nOnce he'd exited the arena, he noticed large groups from the group gathering at a restaurant across the street. Hungry, the man followed as well and decided to experience the native cuisine. \n\nAs the night progressed, he had joined a few others at a table and began chatting with them joyously about the match. Until he noticed that at one table a very wealthy looking man had been made the center of attention by the restaurants staff as the chef personally brought out a special silver plate with strange meat on them.\n\nCurious, the man asked his new friends what was so special about that man. One of the men at his table explained that the man was a foreigner, much like him, who has payed handsomely for the privilege of eating the spirit of the bull which died in the arena. Which according to them was symbolically located in the testicles of the powerful animal. \n\nObviously amazed by the ritual, he noticed how excited & happy the man was. Being quite wealthy himself, he asked if there was any way for him to pay for the same honor. After a short talk with the restaurants owner, he came to an agreement and reserved a plate for tomorrow.\n\nThough he didn't get a chance to watch the bullfights that day, he had anxiously been waiting since the previous night for this moment. And now that he was at the restaurant he couldn't help but rush to his table and wait for his meal.\n\nAfter a few moments, the staff gathered and the chef brought out the same plate as the previous night, except that there was noticeably less meat on it this time.\n\nConfused, the man asked the chef if the bull had been smaller than the one from yesterday.\n\nThe chef merely replied that the bull is quite large, alive, and in good health, it was the Torero who lost today. ",
        "id": "5tq6hq",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "Man travels to Spain"
    },
    {
        "body": "Apparently not three because my basement is still dark.",
        "id": "5tq5om",
        "score": 625,
        "title": "How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?"
    },
    {
        "body": "It's Ash",
        "id": "5tq5o9",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Hey, what does a fire sit on?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I might be a door.",
        "id": "5tq5g7",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "In some situations in life, I find that you just need a little push."
    },
    {
        "body": "Clever dick.",
        "id": "5tq4ug",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "What do you call a piano player with no arms or legs?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A Fortune Wookie",
        "id": "5tq4lp",
        "score": 14,
        "title": "What do you call Chewbacca's Chinese cousin?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A suicide belt",
        "id": "5tq4ik",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "[NSFW] If sleeping with an Asian gets you your yellow belt, what do you get when you sleep with a Muslim?"
    },
    {
        "body": "When you run in front of a car, you get tired. When you run behind a car, you get exhausted.",
        "id": "5tq444",
        "score": 214,
        "title": "What's the difference between tired and exhausted?"
    },
    {
        "body": "They must've called a thousand times.",
        "id": "5tq3j7",
        "score": 159,
        "title": "Adele didn't originally want to perform at the Grammy's but they bugged the crap out of her till she said yes."
    },
    {
        "body": "Because he has nothing better to do, Trump agrees and meets with the man the day before his execution.\n\nTrump: \"So, uh, what did you do?\"\n\nInmate: \"I shot a bunch of people in a liquor store robbery, burned down a hospital and stole all their drugs, molested farm animals, blew up an orphanage, set homeless people on fire for fun, and sold my mother into sexual slavery in Thailand.\"\n\nTrump: \"Wow.  And why'd you wanna see me?\"\n\nInmate: \"Because despite all the horrible things I've done, I can take my last comfort in being reminded of one fact - at least I'm not you.\"",
        "id": "5tq29w",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "A death row inmate asks as his last request to talk to Donald Trump."
    },
    {
        "body": "Luckily after a few beatings, it learned it's lesson. ",
        "id": "5tq1as",
        "score": 21,
        "title": "Caught my penis cheating on my wife today."
    },
    {
        "body": "...is that like having a stutter?",
        "id": "5tq0v7",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "If you are deaf and you have Parkinson's..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Maybe that is why they get paid less.",
        "id": "5tq0jk",
        "score": 101,
        "title": "You know how they say \"a woman's work is never done\"?"
    },
    {
        "body": "....so they wouldn't think all 50 chicken nuggets were for me. ",
        "id": "5tq01h",
        "score": 220,
        "title": "Ordered 4 drinks at McDonald's....."
    },
    {
        "body": "Four reverse, one forward (in case they get attacked from the rear)",
        "id": "5tpzqt",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Italian Army tanks have five gears"
    },
    {
        "body": "BARKELONA",
        "id": "5tpzpr",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "If a dog played soccer, who would the dog play for?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I told him, \"no Grandpa, yours does.\"    Then I unplugged his life support.",
        "id": "5tpxyu",
        "score": 145,
        "title": "My Grandfather told me my generation is to reliant on technology."
    },
    {
        "body": "A handkirchoff.",
        "id": "5tpvlv",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "What do electrical engineers use to clean up their equations?"
    },
    {
        "body": "But an even bigger pain in the ass.",
        "id": "5tpvdl",
        "score": 72,
        "title": "It must suck to have your period on valentines day"
    },
    {
        "body": "Men are finally Putin(g) women in their place ",
        "id": "5tpulr",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "Now that Russia decriminalized spousal beatings.."
    },
    {
        "body": "No one cared who they were 'til they put on the mask.",
        "id": "5tptmd",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "What do Jim Carrey and Bane have in common?"
    },
    {
        "body": "It wasn't very nice, I think I'll try it with a croissant next time. ",
        "id": "5tpsmu",
        "score": 16,
        "title": "I just put my hair in a bun."
    },
    {
        "body": "It's golf. ",
        "id": "5tpoyf",
        "score": 48,
        "title": "My favourite sport starts with a \"T\"."
    },
    {
        "body": "He doesn\u2019t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: \u201cMy friend is dead! What can I do?\u201d The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: \u201cJust take it easy. I can help. First, let\u2019s make sure he\u2019s dead.\u201d There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy\u2019s voice comes back on the line. He says: \u201cOK, now what?\u201d\n\n",
        "id": "5tpor5",
        "score": 26,
        "title": "A couple of hunters from Wyoming are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground."
    },
    {
        "body": "That's not something I'd call my child, but it has got a ring to it.",
        "id": "5tpoec",
        "score": 65,
        "title": "My neighbours named their child \"Saturn\"."
    },
    {
        "body": "Because they never get old.",
        "id": "5tpn0c",
        "score": 28,
        "title": "I love dead baby jokes"
    },
    {
        "body": "She said, \"Somewhere that has fish.\"\n\nSo I pushed her in the river. ",
        "id": "5tpmqr",
        "score": 34,
        "title": "I asked my wife where she wanted to go for dinner."
    },
    {
        "body": "\"Daddy,\" she says, \"a strange man did something bad to me at the park today.\"\nThe father, suddenly very attentive, turns to face his daughter. \"Oh, god... okay, sweetie, you need to understand that it absolutely wasn't your fault, and you will not get in trouble for telling me about it. Can you explain what happened?\"\n\"Well,\" the girl begins, \"I was playing in the sand, when the man came up to me and told me to come with him behind a tree.\"\n\"Oh, god,\" mutters the father. \"Then what?\"\n\"Then he pulled down his pants and showed me his thing.\"\n\"Oh, god!\" the father exclaims. \"What happened next?\"\n\"Then,\" the girl continues, \"he pulled up my dress and touched me on my underwear.\"\n\"Oh, god!\" shouts the father. \"Sweetie, what happened after that?\"\nThe girl answers with a shrug. \"Nothing. That was it.\"\n\"Well, make something up! I haven't finished yet!\"",
        "id": "5tpkcx",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "A young girl comes home one day and approaches her father, who is sitting in the living room."
    },
    {
        "body": "Because he's constantly providing us with low hanging fruit.",
        "id": "5tpinr",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "Why does Trump think the food stamps program is unnecessary?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Because we both have back issues. ",
        "id": "5tphqn",
        "score": 38,
        "title": "My girlfriend and I were moving each others comic book collection and now we both have to see a chiropractor."
    },
    {
        "body": "Too bad it's just a participation trophy.",
        "id": "5tph5j",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "I told my wife I'm her trophy husband..."
    },
    {
        "body": "That's why you don't see any Mexican in China.",
        "id": "5tpgxy",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "China built a wall..."
    },
    {
        "body": "A drunk blonde woman was sitting at a bar says to the barman, \"Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn.\" The barman mixes her drink and puts in down in front of her. A few minutes later, she calls him over and says, \"Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn.\" He rolls his eyes but mixes her drink anyway and sets it down in front of her. A few minutes later, she waves him over again and says, \"Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn.\" The barman looks her up and down and says, \"First off, it's bartender, not barfender. Second off, it's martini, not marhini. And third, you don't have heartburn, your boob is in the ashtray.\" \n\n",
        "id": "5tpgcz",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "A drunk blonde woman was sitting at a bar says to the barman,"
    },
    {
        "body": "My family spent all of today calling me by different cheese names. I told them I just wanted to be left provolone.",
        "id": "5tpfmb",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "A Cheesy Joke"
    },
    {
        "body": "Will you become a Master Baiter",
        "id": "5tpewt",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "Only When you perfect the art of fishing and baiting hooks.."
    },
    {
        "body": "A Gym-panzee.",
        "id": "5tpdxs",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "What do you call a primate that works out?"
    },
    {
        "body": "To be honest, I did it for the halibut. ",
        "id": "5tpciu",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "Is there a reason you ate that entire fish sandwich?"
    },
    {
        "body": "*anti-social studies*",
        "id": "5tpbks",
        "score": 16,
        "title": "Schools should have a class designed for introverts..."
    },
    {
        "body": "A colleague approaches him and asks why he is laughing. \n\"I just heard the funniest joke in the world!\" \n\"Well, go ahead, tell me!\" says the other judge. \n\"I can't \u2013 I just gave someone ten years for it!\"",
        "id": "5tpb8z",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "A lawyer in the USSR comes out of the chambers laughing his head off."
    },
    {
        "body": "the trashbag at a cancer clinic.",
        "id": "5tp9u1",
        "score": 33,
        "title": "what is blue and has 27 tits?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I explained to him that every restaurant in town is an \"all you can eat\" place.",
        "id": "5tp8pn",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "I just made life a whole lot simpler for an overweight friend of mine..."
    },
    {
        "body": "\"Cache me outside, how 'bout dat?\"",
        "id": "5tp7un",
        "score": 8,
        "title": "What did the internet say to it's history?"
    },
    {
        "body": "And he arrives there a day early before the meeting. So he decides to enjoy the night-life a little bit. The man goes out to a bar, picks up a lady after having a few drinks, and takes her back to the hotel. Eventually they start having sex and the lady keeps saying, \"Oshi Moshi! Oshi Moshi!\" \n\nThe man thought that was weird but he kept going. The next day, he meets some business men on a golf course and sees one of them shank the ball. The guy is absolutely livid and shouts, \"Oshi Moshi!\" \n\nThe American man looks at him and asks, \"I hate to bother you, but what does 'oshi moshi' mean?\"\n\nThe golfer replies, \"wrong hole!\"",
        "id": "5tp7pc",
        "score": 21,
        "title": "An American man goes on a business trip to Japan."
    },
    {
        "body": "An orang Utahn",
        "id": "5tp7jx",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "What do you call a ginger Mormon?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Because she thought he was brutiful",
        "id": "5tp63g",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "Why did the princess marry the barbarian?"
    },
    {
        "body": "post coding jokes\n\nI will <br> your heart",
        "id": "5tp4fp",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "Coding Jokes"
    },
    {
        "body": "Hitler appreciated the arts.",
        "id": "5tp3vl",
        "score": 45,
        "title": "It's not fair to compare Trump to Hitler."
    },
    {
        "body": "Their warrants.  \n\n(Here come the down-votes!)",
        "id": "5tp3fo",
        "score": 115,
        "title": "Do you know the most outstanding thing about our illegal immigrants?"
    },
    {
        "body": "The ultra sound people",
        "id": "5tp2n4",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Who are the most decent people at a hospital?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Harry Potter rode the train back.\n\nI'm not apologizing.",
        "id": "5tozii",
        "score": 13,
        "title": "What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews?"
    },
    {
        "body": "The Apple-achian mountains.",
        "id": "5tozbw",
        "score": 8,
        "title": "In which mountain range do fruit trees primarily grow?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Now I don't care what temperature it is ",
        "id": "5toy8l",
        "score": 32,
        "title": "I used to smoke weed in the 90's"
    },
    {
        "body": "What? It could happen.",
        "id": "5towhk",
        "score": 33,
        "title": "So an Irish man walks out of a pub."
    },
    {
        "body": "He has risen.",
        "id": "5toutu",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What did Mary say when she saw Jesus with a massive erection?"
    },
    {
        "body": "They called it Spudnik ",
        "id": "5tou85",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "Did you hear about the potato the Russians put into space?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Went downhill so fast",
        "id": "5tou78",
        "score": 19,
        "title": "I use to like going skiing. But that hobby..."
    },
    {
        "body": "and uses your tax dollars efficiently.",
        "id": "5totrt",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "The government in this town is excellent,"
    },
    {
        "body": "It makes me shUDDER.",
        "id": "5toqyi",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "I hate milking cows, every time I do it..."
    },
    {
        "body": "What right does he have to ban sommeliers from entering this country?",
        "id": "5too53",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "As a wine enthusiast, I am appalled by Trump's recent executive orders."
    },
    {
        "body": "...in morse code.\n\n[Credit goes to Emo Phillips]",
        "id": "5tomg4",
        "score": 35,
        "title": "I was walking past a construction site and the guy hammering on the roof called me a paranoid little weirdo..."
    },
    {
        "body": "To keep his nuts dry",
        "id": "5tokd5",
        "score": 12,
        "title": "Why does a squirrel swim on it's back?"
    },
    {
        "body": "He was waisted.",
        "id": "5tok8b",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Did you hear about the drunk guy who got suplexed?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Cap size",
        "id": "5toi1i",
        "score": 24,
        "title": "How big was the iceberg that sank the Titanic?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Uriel goes to Michael.\n\n\"I am going to become a muse. Here's my flaming sword.\"\n\n\"What will you use instead?\"\n\n\"My pen, idiot!\"",
        "id": "5toghg",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Uriel"
    },
    {
        "body": "But most have 4",
        "id": "5tofhv",
        "score": 188,
        "title": "Some crocodiles can grow 17-20 ft"
    },
    {
        "body": "Told my boss I was always late cause I had diarrhea .. he told me I was full of shit",
        "id": "5tocyd",
        "score": 32,
        "title": "Lost my job today..."
    },
    {
        "body": "\"How could you? I've loved and trusted you and this is how you treat me?\" \n\n\"What about Hillary Clinton's Emails?\"",
        "id": "5toctj",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Kellyanne Conway gets caught cheating."
    },
    {
        "body": "I said that I had some, but that I was willing to give it a try.",
        "id": "5tobix",
        "score": 20,
        "title": "I was inquiring about seating for two at a new restaurant and they asked if I had reservations..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Damn Political Correctness",
        "id": "5tobhs",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "I remember when Squeeze Theorem used to be called The Sandwich Theorem."
    },
    {
        "body": "A seizure salad",
        "id": "5to9t5",
        "score": 76,
        "title": "What can you make with epileptic lettuce?"
    },
    {
        "body": "An impasta ",
        "id": "5to8g9",
        "score": 16,
        "title": "What do you call a fake noodle?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Make sure to go for the juggler. ",
        "id": "5to7h6",
        "score": 16,
        "title": "If you're ever attack by a group of clowns...."
    },
    {
        "body": "In the criminal justice system, sexually-based offenses are considered especially anus. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Booty Unit. These are their stories.",
        "id": "5to6xh",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "Law and Order"
    },
    {
        "body": "Because the Holo-cost a lot of money. Anne Frankly, it wasn't worth it.",
        "id": "5to6vf",
        "score": 28,
        "title": "Why did Germany almost go bankrupt?"
    },
    {
        "body": "The barman says \u2018Bill, I believe this is killing me.\u2019 As the smile ran away from his face.",
        "id": "5to6nv",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Billy Joel walks into a bar."
    },
    {
        "body": "But I got kicked out for horsing around.",
        "id": "5to68x",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "I use to be in a horse back riding club..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Om lit",
        "id": "5to47t",
        "score": 18,
        "title": "What did the egg say when it turned up?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Their warrents.",
        "id": "5to46r",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What's the most OUTSTANDING thing about our illegal immigrants?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Sure, she's a bitch, but of course I'd take a bullet for my cousin.",
        "id": "5to0yt",
        "score": 15,
        "title": "Someone just asked me if I'd take a bullet for the last person I had sex with"
    },
    {
        "body": "But I didn't have the drive for it and I drifted away from that career.",
        "id": "5tnyq8",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "I use to be a car racer..."
    },
    {
        "body": "...like female doctor, female lawyer, etc.",
        "id": "5tnwhu",
        "score": 501,
        "title": "The reason for the wage gap is that men have high paying jobs like doctor, lawyer, etc. while women usually have lower paying jobs..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Do you want to make some dough, Sugar?",
        "id": "5tntt5",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "What did the yeast say to the flour?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Oh, don't worry. They'll tell you.",
        "id": "5tnrb1",
        "score": 24,
        "title": "What is the easiest way to tell if somebody is vegan?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Then a stool. Then a table. ",
        "id": "5tnqnd",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Hellen Keller walks into a bar..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Is involves lubricant for the equipment, you're quite often on your knees and at the end of the day your butt hurts.",
        "id": "5tnokb",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Snowboarding seems like the gayest sport."
    },
    {
        "body": "What is long, green, and has an asshole every 3 feet?\n\nA St. Patricks Day Parade",
        "id": "5tnlpw",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "A joke for St. Patricks Day"
    },
    {
        "body": "Worst viking raid ever!",
        "id": "5tnkg5",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "2 Danish guys just tried stealing the toilet paper from my Air BnB bringing shame upon their entire country!"
    },
    {
        "body": "That the entire team that worked on finding Nemo had to take fish biology 101. Then he says \"so does it ever bother you that the fish are talking?\"\n\nThat was the hardest I laughed in a while ",
        "id": "5tnibh",
        "score": 8,
        "title": "So I was telling my dad"
    },
    {
        "body": "It's fucking in tents ",
        "id": "5tnhk9",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Making love while camping is the best"
    },
    {
        "body": "But this takes the cake!",
        "id": "5tngyl",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "My bakery was recently robbed. Now, I've seen a lot of robberies before..."
    },
    {
        "body": "He got cold feet",
        "id": "5tng0t",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Why was the snowman no good at big games?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Tree",
        "id": "5tncwy",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "How many testicles does an Oak have?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Was buying a pencil with an eraser on it.  ",
        "id": "5tnccf",
        "score": 20,
        "title": "The only mistake I ever made..."
    },
    {
        "body": "It's kind of a big dill",
        "id": "5tnb3x",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "Never forget the pickle on your burgers"
    },
    {
        "body": "Juan Chu",
        "id": "5tna00",
        "score": 56,
        "title": "What do you call a guy thats half Mexican and half Chinese that wears only one sneaker?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Fe",
        "id": "5tn9rb",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What is the difference between male and female?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Little Caesars",
        "id": "5tn9jw",
        "score": 139,
        "title": "What does a mexican use to cut his pizza?"
    },
    {
        "body": "On the condition he gets to install windows.\n\n\n",
        "id": "5tn84z",
        "score": 48526,
        "title": "Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall"
    },
    {
        "body": "The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, \n\u201cYou know, I\u2019ve lost my wife here in the supermarket.\nCan you talk to me for a couple of minutes?\u201d\n\u201cWhy?\u201d\n\u201cBecause every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.\u201d",
        "id": "5tn7wg",
        "score": 39,
        "title": "The man approached the very beautiful....."
    },
    {
        "body": "...I told him \"maybe teaching isn't for you..\"",
        "id": "5tn6w8",
        "score": 688,
        "title": "My Son got sent home from school for the third time this year for letting a girl wank him off in class..."
    },
    {
        "body": "After living a life of always reading other people's directions and instructions to do his job, he decides he wants to to make his *own* decision for once: Committing suicide. \n\nSo he scribbles down some words on a piece of paper and reviews what he wrote, nodding in approval. He hops into his car in his garage and tapes a garden hose to the exhaust pipe. He starts his car and puts the hose in his mouth, inhaling deeply, anticipating the sweet release of death. Soon after, he succumbs to his poison of choice and falls down, dying slowly as if he was simply falling asleep.\n\nHis wife comes home and discovers him. Horrified, she sees a piece of paper next to him and picks it up, thinking it will be a suicide note to give her some clarity on what made him choose this terrible act. In familiar handwriting, she sees scribbled on the page:\n\n**INSTRUCTIONS**\n\nStep 1: Connect Jos\u00e9 to hose B",
        "id": "5tn60m",
        "score": 78,
        "title": "A Hispanic carpenter is feeling depressed"
    },
    {
        "body": "Cash and carry.",
        "id": "5tn4q0",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "What do you call a prostitute with no arms or legs?"
    },
    {
        "body": "But it's just alright.",
        "id": "5tn40n",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "I would tell you to listen to my favorite Kendrick Lamar song..."
    },
    {
        "body": "One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. \nThe bartender asks the man what he wants.\nThe man says \u201cOh just a beer\u201d.\nThe bartender asked the man \u201cWhats wrong,\nwhy are you so down today?\u201d.\nThe man said \u201cMy wife and i got into a fight,\nand she said she wouldn\u2019t talk to me for a month\u201d.\nThe bartender said \u201cSo whats wrong with that\u201d?\nThe man said \u201cWell the month is up tonight\u201d.",
        "id": "5tn2dh",
        "score": 17,
        "title": "One night a man walks into a bar looking sad....."
    },
    {
        "body": "...The pilot enters the cabin and says, \"I'm terribly sorry. I've done everything I can, but the plane is falling and going to crash. Now, there are only 3 parachutes on this plane. I've got a wife at home with 2 young kids and another on the way, so I'm going to use one of them.\" He then picks up a parachute, puts it on, and jumps out of the plane.\n\nThe Genius says, \"I am the smartest person in the world. My death would be a huge loss because of my immense knowledge. I simply must survive this crash.\" He follows after the pilot.\n\nThe Old Farmer looks at the Boy Scout and says, \"Well, son, I've lived a long, fulfilling life. You have your whole future ahead of you. You take the last parachute.\" The Boy Scout replies, \"Don't worry sir, we'll both survive. The Genius took my backpack.\"",
        "id": "5tn12i",
        "score": 40,
        "title": "A Genius, an Old Farmer, and a Boy Scout are on a plane..."
    },
    {
        "body": "It doesn't matter, because feminists can't change anything.",
        "id": "5tn10o",
        "score": 15,
        "title": "How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?"
    },
    {
        "body": "\"Dear, honestly answer this. What did you think when you saw me the first time 50 years ago?\"\n\nHe says \"I thought I so want to suck your titties dry and fuck your brains out...\"\n\nWife giggles hearing this answer. While biting her lips she says \"Well... what do you think of me now?\"\n\nHe says without skipping a beat \" I think I did a fairly good job!\"",
        "id": "5tn0n2",
        "score": 28,
        "title": "An old lady was talking to her husband on Valentine's day evening...."
    },
    {
        "body": "The bus opens its doors to let her on. She lifts her leg for the step and funds she cannot reach it. She realizes it must be her tight dress and reaches back and unzips it a little bit. \n\nAgain, she brings her leg up and still cannot reach the first step of the bus. A little more embarrassed, she reaches back again and unzips her dress a good deal more. \n\nBut again, her foot falls just short of the step. Finally she reaches back and unzips the dress almost all the way. At this point the young man behind her reaches forward, grabs her by the hips and lifts her to the step. \n\nInfuriated, she turns and nearly screams, \"And what made you think you had permission to touch me like that!?\" \n\nThe man calmly replies, \"Well, after you reaches back and unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured we were friends.\"\n",
        "id": "5tn03g",
        "score": 228,
        "title": "A lovely woman is first in line at a bus stop."
    },
    {
        "body": "Whatever it is it's heading straight for the world trade center.",
        "id": "5tmzp1",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Is it a bird? Is it a plane?"
    },
    {
        "body": "They eight too much! ",
        "id": "5tmz4t",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "Did you hear about the people that became octophobes after going to the buffet?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Aren't we all hue, man?",
        "id": "5tmxqg",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "I don't understand how people of color can be discriminated against"
    },
    {
        "body": "I told her I moist my eyes every day when I think of what Europe has become. ",
        "id": "5tmuz4",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Girlfriend said I need to moisturize"
    },
    {
        "body": "Throw your washing in.",
        "id": "5tmuqg",
        "score": 16,
        "title": "What do you do when a epileptic's having a fit in the bath?"
    },
    {
        "body": "But then I turned myself around.",
        "id": "5tmu1n",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokie"
    },
    {
        "body": "An American gets the idea to yell the name Luigi, and being a common Italian name when someone hears their name and looks up, they shoot him.\n\n\"Hey, Luigi!\"\n\nAn Italian looks up and says\n\n\"Yeah?\"\n\nBANG\n\nAfter the Americans do this a few times, the Italians try it for themselves. They decide to yell the name John, being a common American name.\n\n\"Hey-a, John!\"\n\nAn American shouts back\n\n\"Hey! Is that you Luigi?\"\n\nThe Italian looks up\n\n\"Yeah, itsa me!\"\n\nBANG\n",
        "id": "5tmpit",
        "score": 426,
        "title": "The Italians are fighting Americans in the trenches"
    },
    {
        "body": "and they are all accepted and welcomed. Now isn't that refreshing?",
        "id": "5tmpcr",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "A black man, a mexican man and an asian walk into a bar..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Work was pretty slow tonight, which was odd considering we were trying out two new soups, Spicy Ham or Mutton, normally stuff like this brings people in. But on the flip side I got to talk to some of the regulars. One of them was this women who's parents apparently snuck out of Africa during a violent revolt. After getting to America they settled down and tried to start a family. Unfortunately after after 3 years of trying nothing had happened, so they were about to give up. \n    As a final attempt they went on vacation to Miami to \"get the spark back\" and while there they met Betty White, who turns out is super sweet and friendly. She encouraged them to keep trying trying since they love each other, it will work out, which two weeks later it did. Out of gratitude they named Fleur daughter Betty.\n  By this point in her story my manager told me to take her order, no one had showed up, but I was being unprofessional. So she orders asking if we have any clam chowder, we didn't so I told her, No Black Betty Ham or Lamb.",
        "id": "5tmmxj",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "What type of soup would you like?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Harrastapasta",
        "id": "5tmly1",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "What do you call pasta made by a jamaican sex pest?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I did it, but it broke my heart. I quite liked her dad.",
        "id": "5tmlt7",
        "score": 213,
        "title": "My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and dump them in the river."
    },
    {
        "body": "Coz you get my pp up.",
        "id": "5tmh8w",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Baby are you an ether?"
    },
    {
        "body": "But if a guy does it he's gay?",
        "id": "5tmgio",
        "score": 95,
        "title": "Why is it that if a girl has a lot of sex with guy she's a slut..."
    },
    {
        "body": "\nCLASSIC VERSION: \n\nThe ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. \n\nCome winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold. \n\nMODERN VERSION: \n\nThe ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. \n\nCome winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. \n\nCBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? \n\nThen a representative of the NAAGB (National Association of Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with \"green bias,\" and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. \n\nKermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings \"It's Not Easy Being Green.\" Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the \"Temperatures of the 80's.\"\n\nRichard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his \"fair share.\" Finally, the EEOC drafts the \"Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act\" retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the, government. \n\nHillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3pm when there are no talk shows scheduled. \n\nThe ant loses the case. \n\nThe story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it. \n\nThe ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of politicians announcing that a new era of \"fairness\" has dawned in America. ",
        "id": "5tmb7j",
        "score": 25,
        "title": "The Ant and the Grasshopper"
    },
    {
        "body": "..and the barman says \"What'll it be, Piers?\" ",
        "id": "5tmaoj",
        "score": 44,
        "title": "A failed tv presenter, a disgraced newspaper editor and a phone hacker walk into a bar...."
    },
    {
        "body": "The first man wants to watch horse racing.\nThe second man wants to watch women's tennis.\nThe third man wants to watch a childbirth video.\n\nAs they each try to grapple for the remote, the channels continue to change.\n\nThis is what their neighbours heard:\n \nAnd they're off!\nUhhh-Uhhh\nAnd a baby is born!",
        "id": "5tmakf",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Three men are arguing over what to watch..."
    },
    {
        "body": "ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK? \n\nA male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth. \n\nA young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. \n\n\"Nurse,\" he mumbles from behind the mask, \"Are my testicles black?\" \n\nEmbarrassed, the young nurse replies, \"I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.\" \n\nHe struggles to ask again, \"Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?\" \n\nConcerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, \"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look magnificent.\" \n\nThe man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, \"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: \"Are- My - Test - Results - Back?\"",
        "id": "5tm9vf",
        "score": 10,
        "title": "Are my testicles black? \"NSFW\""
    },
    {
        "body": "Phillip Dune and James Mcavity ",
        "id": "5tm9uw",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Hear about the gay Irishmen?"
    },
    {
        "body": "But all the women there were fully dressed. Fucking liars.",
        "id": "5tm8y5",
        "score": 14,
        "title": "I went to the clothes store where all women's pants were half-off."
    },
    {
        "body": "I told her, \"Next time, lunch is on me.\"",
        "id": "5tm7tl",
        "score": 149,
        "title": "TIFU by vomiting on a cute co-worker"
    },
    {
        "body": "When you step on their feet, their mouth opens.",
        "id": "5tm70t",
        "score": 142,
        "title": "People are like trashcans"
    },
    {
        "body": "If you don't, they issue you a cetacean.",
        "id": "5tm6af",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "I come from a town where you have to keep a whale on you at all times."
    },
    {
        "body": ">They are down the hall, on the third reich.",
        "id": "5tm5os",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Hey Hitler, where are the showers?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Because you have to get them both hot before you stick the meat in.",
        "id": "5tm5ay",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "The oven and the woman are just alike"
    },
    {
        "body": "Wagegap ",
        "id": "5tm57d",
        "score": 34,
        "title": "How to fix the wage gap."
    },
    {
        "body": "Great Scott.",
        "id": "5tm4bt",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What did the Doc say to Scotty?"
    },
    {
        "body": "- How is it? \n- I'm the house owner, I'm here to collect rent.\n- Mom! It's the owner. Do you have money or should I go play outside again?",
        "id": "5tm4ap",
        "score": 57,
        "title": "The doorbell rang so the son went to open the door."
    },
    {
        "body": "Because they come in pairs.",
        "id": "5tm2yw",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Why should you never buy a twin a basket of fruit?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Just made my day",
        "id": "5tm242",
        "score": 16,
        "title": "This joke about the Earth's rotation"
    },
    {
        "body": "All of them but they still can't do it",
        "id": "5tlzxe",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "How many cabinet members does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
    },
    {
        "body": "\"NASA: The Sky's The Limit\"",
        "id": "5tlztr",
        "score": 19674,
        "title": "Did you hear what NASA's new slogan will be once their budget is cut?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Sleepy, the son mumbles to his dad, \"Listen, Pops... I'm not going to school today for three basic reasons: first of all because I'm dead tired, second because I hate that school and third because I've had it with those punks!\"   \nTo which the father answers from outside the door, \"Well, you're going for three reasons: first of all because you have a duty to perform, second because you're 45 and third because you're the school principal!\"",
        "id": "5tlze2",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "Early in the morning, the father knocks at his son's door and yells, \"Wake up, son! Time to go to school.\""
    },
    {
        "body": "Take us to your leader",
        "id": "5tlw85",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "If space aliens landed in the U.S. today they would say"
    },
    {
        "body": "My wife wouldn't like to hear that, though.",
        "id": "5tlw77",
        "score": 211,
        "title": "I'm 35 and I've never been in a serious relationship."
    },
    {
        "body": "I can't tell cause they're both YUUUUGE assholes.",
        "id": "5tlvw3",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Hey, what's difference between Trump and Goatse.cx?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Ono-mat-o-poeia ",
        "id": "5tlvln",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What do you call a dog that pees on the mat?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Imagination.",
        "id": "5tlu3m",
        "score": 669,
        "title": "what is it called when your crush has a crush on you too?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Students: Today's topic. ",
        "id": "5tlt7k",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "Teacher: Today's topic is DEMOCRACY Teacher: What is Democracy?"
    },
    {
        "body": "It really hurt ",
        "id": "5tlsde",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "I walked into a bar"
    },
    {
        "body": "Girlfriend: I didn't, I swear\n\nMe: Oh come on, cough it up.",
        "id": "5tls59",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "I can't believe you blew your co-worker!"
    },
    {
        "body": "neil armstrong walked on the moon and michael jackson fucked little kids.",
        "id": "5tlq9j",
        "score": 10,
        "title": "what's the difference between neil armstrong and michael jackson?"
    },
    {
        "body": "So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''.\n\nI said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.",
        "id": "5tlq6z",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''"
    },
    {
        "body": "It's really disorienting. ",
        "id": "5tlq4j",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "I hate flying back from China"
    },
    {
        "body": "1. Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't at least 10% off.\n\n2. Because they never leave a tip.\n\n3. Because there's no end to those pricks.",
        "id": "5tlpv9",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Why do Jews get circumcised?"
    },
    {
        "body": "She wasn't happy with what she saw, and said to me, \"I feel horrible. I look fat and ugly. Could you give me a compliment?\"\n\nI looked over at her and said, \"Well, your eyesight is perfect.\"",
        "id": "5tlpoi",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "My girlfriend was standing and looking in the bedroom mirror ..."
    },
    {
        "body": "So I pulled her infront of a mirror, stood right next to her and said:\n\n\"Darling, I mean look a that sexy smile, that beautiful hair and those eyes....Just wow. No wonder you feel ugly next to me!\"",
        "id": "5tloqm",
        "score": 153,
        "title": "\"Honey, I think I'm ugly....\""
    },
    {
        "body": "Not MY president!",
        "id": "5tlom5",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Who the fuck does Bernie Sanders think he is?"
    },
    {
        "body": "They teach it to jump on command by using flies as treats. Now when they say \"Jump\" the frog jumps.\n\nThen they chop off one leg. They say \"Jump\" and the frog jumps in a crooked path. So far so good.\n\nFinally, they chop off the other leg. They say \"Jump\" and the frog does not jump.\n\nIt has been concluded that frogs cannot hear without their legs.",
        "id": "5tlo20",
        "score": 25,
        "title": "A group of scientists run an experiment on a frog"
    },
    {
        "body": "Orange Is the New Black.",
        "id": "5tllp7",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "Which Netflix show best sums up America today?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A lady in a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question. She gently tapped his shoulder to get his attention.\n\nThe driver screamed, lost control of the cab and nearly hit a bus. He drove over the curb, almost going through a shop window.\n\nFor a few moments the inside of the cab was silent. The shaken driver turned and said, \"Are you ok? I'm very sorry, but you scared the piss out of me!\" \n\nThe passenger, very startled at this point, apologizes to the driver and says \"I didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could scare some one so bad\" \n\nThe driver replied \"no, no, I'm the one who is sorry, today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for over 20 years!\"",
        "id": "5tll8p",
        "score": 3534,
        "title": "She didn't realize tapping him on the shoulder would make him do this."
    },
    {
        "body": "Every day, Jim gets two six packs on the way home from work. When he gets home, he sits in his living room until they're gone. One day, just as he's getting to the end of the last beer, he hears a knock at the door. He goes to answer it, and sees a six foot tall grasshopper. Before he can say a word, the grasshopper punches him in the face as hard as he's ever been hit! Floored, he can't respond before the grasshopper leaves.\nHe decides he'd better be in better shape, so the next day he only gets one six pack. Just as he's finishing the last beer, he hears another knock at the door. He gets up to answer it, a bit more wary this time. Not that it does him any good. The six foot tall grasshopper is there again, and this time hits him twice, each one as hard as he's ever been hit! Again, the grasshopper leaves before he can do anything.\nOn the third day, he decides he'd better just skip his beer. He's sitting in his living room, stone cold sober, when he hears a knock at the door. He checks his peephole. It's the grasshopper. But he figures this time he hasn't been drinking and he can take him, so he opens the door. Before he can do anything, the grasshopper knocks him down and kicks him until he can't move. Again, the grasshopper leaves when it's done.\nObviously he's in bad shape after that, so he goes in to see his doctor. He describes what's been going on. The doctor nods knowingly, \"Yeah, there's been a pretty nasty bug going around.\"",
        "id": "5tlkc3",
        "score": 17,
        "title": "Grasshopper"
    },
    {
        "body": "Yeast!!",
        "id": "5tlk6f",
        "score": 155,
        "title": "What direction did the pirate go to get his bread??"
    },
    {
        "body": "The police are charging him for mugging.",
        "id": "5tlk0b",
        "score": 75,
        "title": "John robbed some coffee from Starbucks the other day."
    },
    {
        "body": "I can't seem find that dumbbell anywhere.",
        "id": "5tljyn",
        "score": 50,
        "title": "I lost 10kg last week"
    },
    {
        "body": "There's white out all over the screen",
        "id": "5tljp1",
        "score": 27,
        "title": "How do you tell if a blond has been working at your computer?"
    },
    {
        "body": "It will be the 68th anniversary of the Bank of England opening",
        "id": "5tljgi",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "I can't wait for the 14th"
    },
    {
        "body": "13:37",
        "id": "5tli61",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "When did the nerd get out of bed?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A young liberal arts student walks into a bar. He sat down and ordered 2 beers. \n\nAn Asian guy sitting on his right hand side stared at him and went: so, how does it feel to be in the mid 20s but still live with your parents? \n\nThe young liberal arts student was instantly surprised. \"Yes! I lives with my parents!\" he thought to himself:\"but how did this guy know? Do I know this guy?\" He then did a quick brain search, but couldn't think of a single Asian guy he knew. So he maintained his composure, and replied calmly: \"Sir, I'm sure you mistook me for someone else. I moved out the day I enrolled in college.\"\n\n5 minutes later, the Asian guy tried again to start a conversation by saying:\"So, did your dad get the tenure? Or still an assistant prof?\"\n\nThe young liberal arts student got flabbergasted! His father actually teach in the same college he attends! What's going on? Is this Asian guy a family friend? He searched through his mind once more. Nope, couldn't think of any Asian guy he had ever made acquaintance under any circumstance. Probably just some random drunk. So he replied: \"Look, I don't know who you are but you better leave me alone. My father is a lawyer, not a teacher.\"\n\nSoon an African guy walked in and sat on his left. The African guy took a glance at him and went:\"Hey there young fellow, how's your culture study thesis going?\"\n\nThe young liberal arts student was completely baffled. \"Oh my god.\" He thought.\"I am working on a culture study thesis! How the hell did he know! I'm positive I don't know this guy!\"\n\n\"OK!\" the young liberal arts student finally snapped:\"OK I lied. I live with my parents. I have a father that is teaching at the same college I go to. And I'm a culture studies major. OK, you got me, you happy? But how the fuck did you know? I don't fucking know you! I don't fucking know any of you! Just wtf is going on???\"\n\nThe bartender turned around. He picked up a cup and started cleaning. With a smile, he said:\"Who else wears an antifa hoodie to a bar?\" ",
        "id": "5tlhd8",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "A young liberal arts student walks into a bar..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Corona's president sits down and says, \"Se\u00f1or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona.\"\n \nThe bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. \n\nThen Budweiser's president says, \"I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.\" \n\nThe bartender gives him one. \n\nCoors' president says, \"I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.\" \n\nHe gets it. \n\nThe guy from Guinness sits down and says, \"Give me a Coke.\" \n\nThe other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, \"Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?\"\n\nThe Guinness president replies, \"Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I.\"",
        "id": "5tletv",
        "score": 355,
        "title": "After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer."
    },
    {
        "body": "Her dog was blind too.",
        "id": "5tlejg",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Why did Helen Keller have yellow legs?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Smoke.",
        "id": "5tlbie",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What do you call a flying jew?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Guys always give them the wrong idea of what six inches is!",
        "id": "5tlaql",
        "score": 14,
        "title": "Why do women have trouble parking?"
    },
    {
        "body": "An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees. The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone.\n\n\u201cMayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!\u201d\n\nThe employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone. \u201cCalm down, we acknowledge you and we\u2019ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic. Remain calm!\u201d\n\nHe began his series of questions:\n\nTower: \u201cHow do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??\u201d\n\nAircraft: \u201cI can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me.\u201d\n\nTower: \u201cOkay, that\u2019s good, remain calm. How do you know you\u2019re traveling at 180 mph?\u201d\n\nAircraft: \u201cI can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me.\u201d\n\nTower: \"Okay, this is great so far, but it\u2019s heavily overcast. So how do you know you\u2019re flying upside down?\"\n\nAircraft: \u201cThe shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.\u201d",
        "id": "5tl9pg",
        "score": 273,
        "title": "How do you know?"
    },
    {
        "body": "...well, I don't. We could've all been flying now if it wasn't for that goddamn apple.",
        "id": "5tl7oe",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "So everyone is appreciating Newton for inventing gravity..."
    },
    {
        "body": "When we first met, I stuggled to get two fingers up...",
        "id": "5tl6bc",
        "score": 31,
        "title": "When I get home from work, my wife lets me put my feet up..."
    },
    {
        "body": "A bad joke timing",
        "id": "5tl5xj",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "What's the difference between a good joke and"
    },
    {
        "body": "So I killed him and the judge gave me 30 years\ufeff!",
        "id": "5tl52o",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "My doctor said I had 10 hours to live"
    },
    {
        "body": "Slow down and start using a lubricant ",
        "id": "5tl2ax",
        "score": 1202,
        "title": "If your girlfriend starts smoking"
    },
    {
        "body": "William Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzwilliam. ",
        "id": "5tl1y6",
        "score": 47,
        "title": "Hear about the two gay Irishmen?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Excuse me sir. I think you've lost your wife back down the road. \n\nThank god for that. I thought I'd gone deaf. ",
        "id": "5tkzec",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "Policeman stops a tandem."
    },
    {
        "body": "He ate his pizza before it was cool",
        "id": "5tkyxa",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "Why did the hipster burn his lips?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Is that the word; picturegraphic? Can't remember long words.",
        "id": "5tkyno",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "I have Picturegraphic memory."
    },
    {
        "body": "Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Indian restaurant in New York\n.. Sid asked Al, 'Are there any Jewish people of our faith born and raised in India ?'\n\nAl replied, 'I don't know, let's just ask our waiter.'\n\nWhen the waiter came by, Al asked him, 'Are there any Indian Jews?'\n\nThe waiter said, 'I doont be knowing, I ask cooksaheb..' He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said, 'No sir, no Indian Jews.'\n\nAl wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, 'Are you absolutely sure?'\n\nThe waiter, realizing he was dealing with 'foreigners' gave the expected answer, 'I check again,' and went back into the kitchen.\n\nWhile the waiter was away in the kitchen, Sid said, 'I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in India \u00a0 . Our people are scattered everywhere.'\n\nThe waiter returned and said, 'Cooksaheb say there is no Indian Jews.'\n\n'Are you certain?' Al asked once again, 'I just can't believe there are no Indian Jews!'\n\n! Listen, I asked EVERYONE,' replied the frustrated waiter.\n'All we have is Mango Jews, Pineapple Jews, Orange Jews, Coconut Jews &\nTomato Jews! \u00a0 - No Indian Jews !!!'",
        "id": "5tkylr",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Indian Jews!"
    },
    {
        "body": "A storm blows up, the cruiser starts to sink, and everyone abandons ship. By a quirk of fate, the only survivors are two men and one woman from each of the EU countries. They stagger onto the shore of a beautiful desert island. After three months, things have changed.\n\nOne Italian man has killed the other Italian man in a fight over the Italian woman.\n\nThe two Frenchmen and the French woman are enjoying a threesome, but complain bitterly about the multitude of foreigners on their island.\n\nThe two Englishmen are waiting patiently for someone to introduce them to the English woman.\n\nThe German men have a strict, weekly alternating sex schedule; the woman gets weekends off.\n\nThe Dutch men are fully prepared, in general, to share the woman. However, they are still debating how to ensure that both will have an exactly equal share, how to reduce supervision cost, and how to guarantee the woman equal rights. They are writing to the Hague.\n\nThe Luxemburg men are still recovering from the shock of seeing half the population of Luxembourg stranded on the island. But they will soon start collecting seashells on the beach.\n\nThe Finnish men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the Finnish woman, and started swimming.\n\nThey were soon overtaken by the Portuguese men.\n\nThe Danish trio embarked on a search for people to join them in an orgy. They gladly accepted the participation of the Finnish woman, and are still vainly trying to persuade the Portuguese woman.\n\nThe Spanish men are protecting the virginity of the Spanish woman and are constantly suspiciously spying on one another. Meanwhile, she dances flamenco.\n\nThe Austrian men initiated a yodelling contest for the woman. The loser immediately started learning flamenco, as well as Portuguese, Finnish and Danish.\n\nThe Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.\n\nThe Swedish woman keeps on bitching about female exploitation while the men are sunbathing and waiting for her to tell them what to do.\n\nThe Irish began by setting up a distillery for which they expect to receive a substantial EU subsidy. They don't recall if sex is in the picture, because it gets sort of foggy after the first few rounds of coconut whisky. But they're happy that, at least, the English aren't getting any.\n\nDisclaimer: this joke is from an old joke book I own. This joke stood out the most to me as I remember bits of it since I was a teen. Hope you enjoy it!!",
        "id": "5tkyiz",
        "score": 11,
        "title": "A group of bureaucrats from the EU are out on a chartered luxury liner through the Pacific."
    },
    {
        "body": "It doesn't mean a lot. ",
        "id": "5tkwxu",
        "score": 8,
        "title": "So what if I don't know what 'few' means?"
    },
    {
        "body": "They don't like integration.  ",
        "id": "5tkwos",
        "score": 87,
        "title": "Why doesn't Alabama have calculus teachers."
    },
    {
        "body": "It had grater plans. ",
        "id": "5tkwc5",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "Why didn't cheese want to be sliced?"
    },
    {
        "body": "It seems she's lacking vitamin D.",
        "id": "5tktt3",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "My lesbian friend is very ill\u2026"
    },
    {
        "body": "She's a sucker for love. ",
        "id": "5tkteq",
        "score": 199,
        "title": "I told my girlfriend I'd buy her a wedding ring if she gave me a blowjob."
    },
    {
        "body": "It was a great *offur.*",
        "id": "5tksq1",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Bought Animal Skin Jackets at 60% off."
    },
    {
        "body": "They somehow force into the closed store and start making a ruckus inside. However they are seen and the police are promptly called, by a bystander. An equally drunk police officers arrives at the scene. When the guys find out, they decide to wait it out in the back-room and proceed to it, upsetting each and  every container on their way. They find three empty sacks on the floor and  hide in them, Tom in the first one, Harry in the second and Dick in the third. The  officer follows the apparent trail into the back room. He sees three lone sacks and proceeds to kick them one by one. When he kicks the first one, Tom barks softly \"bow wow\". The officer thinks it must be a puppy, and proceeds to the next one. This time Harry growls like a cat \"grrrr\".\"Must be a\nkitten\", he thinks and goes to the next sack. By this time Dick had everything figured out, so when the officer kicks him, he shouts \"potato\".\n\n",
        "id": "5tkq7c",
        "score": 33,
        "title": "Three drunk guys, Tom, Dick and Harry decide to rob a grocery store."
    },
    {
        "body": "If he really is so good why doesn't he teleport behind me and slam my head into the keyboard then hhjfdjusodbfhzoakcblkqoscsnjqpqkc",
        "id": "5tkq1t",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "I wish people would stop acting like Chuck Norris is a god"
    },
    {
        "body": "A visibly upset man goes to see his rabbi one day and says: \n\"Rabbi, you won't believe what happened to me! Last week, someone stole my bicycle from the synagogue!\"\nThe rabbi is deeply upset by this, but after thinking for a moment, he offers a solution: \"Next week come to services, sit in the front row, and when we recite the Ten Commandments, turn around and look at the people behing you. And when we got to 'Thou shalt not steal,' see who can't look you in the eyes and that's your guy.\"\nThe rabbi is very pleased with his suggestion, and so is the man. \nAnd next service, the rabbi is very curious to learn whether his advice  worked. He waits for the man by the doors of the synagogue, and asks him \"So dit it work? \"\n\n\"Like a charm,\" the man answers. \"The moment we got to 'Thou shalt not commit adultery,' I remembered where I left my bicycle.\"",
        "id": "5tkpqq",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "Rabbi and the bicycle"
    },
    {
        "body": "Patient: OK.\n\nDentist: I've been having an affair with your wife since last year.",
        "id": "5tkpbr",
        "score": 884,
        "title": "Dentist: This will hurt."
    },
    {
        "body": "Why is that frisbee getting bigger?\nAnd then it hits me.",
        "id": "5tkp92",
        "score": 17,
        "title": "Sometimes I wonder"
    },
    {
        "body": "She likes dirty talk",
        "id": "5tknyh",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "I made my girlfriend puke"
    },
    {
        "body": "You find them under a buck.",
        "id": "5tkmhc",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Cashews are expensive, almonds are expensive. Peanuts are cheaper. How about deer nuts?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Otherwise the police would certainly find the body.",
        "id": "5tklee",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "My friend told me I should start deadlifting."
    },
    {
        "body": "He fell into the sink",
        "id": "5tkkzb",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "Did you hear what happened to the tap dancer.."
    },
    {
        "body": "Will make your car look fucking stupid",
        "id": "5tkjrh",
        "score": 65,
        "title": "Warning: Game of Thrones Spoilers"
    },
    {
        "body": "Nobody likes the black ones.",
        "id": "5tki7a",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "People are like bananas"
    },
    {
        "body": "About 12 years",
        "id": "5tki5n",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Whats the difference between fingering and fondling?"
    },
    {
        "body": "The swallow.",
        "id": "5tkhu1",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "If the Bald Eagle is the symbol of freedom and the Dove is the symbol of peace, what bird is the symbol of love?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Because they always OVARY-act!",
        "id": "5tkhga",
        "score": 8,
        "title": "Why don't you tell jokes women on their periods?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Have you ever seen the mess a snail leaves behind!",
        "id": "5tkgrr",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Why do women have legs?"
    },
    {
        "body": "You oscillate its tit a lot",
        "id": "5tkgqz",
        "score": 11,
        "title": "How do you titillate an ocelot?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Because their horns don't work",
        "id": "5tkg5q",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "Why do cows wear bells"
    },
    {
        "body": "Unless you have an Oedipus complex and a time machine.",
        "id": "5tkfze",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "It's not easy being a self made man"
    },
    {
        "body": "God says \"Satan, you've betrayed me before, but I am a just and forgiving god. You may get back into Heaven, if you can beat my only son in a programming contest.\"\n\nSatan and Jesus meet to agree to the terms. The contest is a simple one. God will set a timer for six hours, and both Jesus and Satan will sit down at their desktops and pound out as much perfectly-formatted HTML as they possibly can. The contest is officially scheduled for Easter Sunday, and news spreads far and wide. \n\nEaster Sunday rolls around. People from all over flock to Heaven to witness the contest. It is broadcasted live on several news stations, and is even live-tweeted by some representatives from Google. At exactly 8:59 AM, Satan and Jesus both sit down at two computers, facing each other. They log in and open up their scripting program. At 9 AM, Archangel Michael drops a flag and the race begins. \n\nOne hour, and several cups of coffee, pass. Both Satan and Jesus are going strong. Satan is adamant that he will beat Jesus and get back into Heaven, while Jesus just really enjoys coding (it's a hobby of his). The official line count is read off every hour, and at 10 AM, Satan is slightly ahead. \n\nBy 11 AM, Jesus has caught up to Satan, because Satan found an error and had to rewrite several pages of code. He is slightly annoyed, but still determined to beat Jesus. \n\nBy noon, Satan and Jesus have caught up again, as Jesus decided to reformat a large section of his work to make it more streamlined and perfectly formatted, as per the contest rules. Satan is starting to get cocky, showing off to the crowd by typing with his barbed tail, typing with his eyes shut, typing with his trident, et cetera. The crowd oohs and ahhs appropriately. \n\nAt 1 PM, they both stop for some lunch. Satan decides to trick Jesus into taking a longer lunch break, so he gives Jesus five loaves of bread and three fishes. Jesus breaks off pieces to feed himself, but simply cannot finish his meal. With Satan getting ahead of him, he passes off the meal to the group of 5,000 men gathered around him. They are all fed, with leftovers. Jesus continues programming. \n\nBy 2 PM, both Satan and Jesus are getting rather dehydrated, so they stop for a water break. To get even for the loaves and fishes trick earlier, Jesus pours Satan some water, but secretly turns it into wine. If Satan is drunk, his coding can't be perfectly formatted. \n\n2:59 rolls around. Satan has typed 5,638 lines of code, while Jesus has only typed 5,277. The crowd is tense as they race towards the finish line. Suddenly, God steps in, pulls the plugs on both computers, and loudly announces \"JESUS CHRIST OF NAZARETH WINS! SATAN WILL NOT RE-ENTER HEAVEN!\" \n\nSatan is furious. \"How can this be?\" He asks. \"I had far more lines of code than Jesus! My code was perfectly formatted, too!\"\n\nJesus taunts Satan. \"Well I don't see your code, Satan. It must have been lost when the computers were shut off.\"\n\n\"Your computer was shut off, too!\" Satan retorts. \"I guess neither of us win!\" \n\nGod, rather proud of his son at this point, walks over and turns back on both computers. Predictably, Satan's coding cannot be found, but when Jesus's computer is booted back up, his program is right there on the desktop. God opens it, and it runs like a charm. \n\n\"How can this be?\" Satan snarls. \"I finished more coding! It should be there! I should've won this!\" \n\n\"Satan, my friend,\" God says, \"You have made a grave mistake. See, you may code faster, and perhaps even better than my son, but Jesus... \n\nJesus saves.\" \n",
        "id": "5tkdzb",
        "score": 385,
        "title": "So Satan asks God to let him back into Heaven..."
    },
    {
        "body": "They both say \"Im Peach?\" in the same tone.",
        "id": "5tkduw",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What do Donald Trump and Princess Toadstool have in common?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Doctor: Mrs. Jones, I have some great news for you! \n\nLady: Miss, not Mrs. \n\nDoctor: Miss Jones, I have some bad news for you.",
        "id": "5tkbxe",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "A lady goes to the doctor, for results of a test she took."
    },
    {
        "body": "He didn't meet any of the *koala*fications",
        "id": "5tkbkk",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Did you hear about the marsupial who was rejected at his job interview?"
    },
    {
        "body": "But it looks like YOU won't be. ",
        "id": "5tk9v0",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Valentine's Day is coming"
    },
    {
        "body": " . . . the ceremony was average but the reception was outstanding ",
        "id": "5tk9tg",
        "score": 37,
        "title": "Two antennas get married . . ."
    },
    {
        "body": "A woman is laying in bed with her husband and says \"This year for Lent, I'm going to give up having sex.\"\n\nThe husband says, \"What? That's crazy!\"\n\nShe replies, \"Well, not with everyone. Just with people I don't love or care about.\"\n\nIncensed, the husband yells, \"How many people are you sleeping with?!\"\n\n\"Just you, dear.\"",
        "id": "5tk92d",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "A woman tells her husband that she's giving up sex for lent..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Unbeknownst to him, the Shetland peoples are quite reserved, and no-one visits him for three months.\n\nOne stormy night, there's a loud knock at the door. He opens the door to the sight of a huge, fiery-haired man with a thick beard. With an accent equally as thick, the visitor says, \"I've come to invite ye to a party.\"\n\n\"Wonderful,\" says the American, \"I'd love to go!\"\n\n\"I must warn ye, lad. The drinks will be flowin' aplenty.\"\n\n\"That's no problem, I've been known to enjoy a strong scotch now and again,\" replies the American.\n\n\"They'll likely be a fight too,\" says the bearded man. \"Where there's drinkin' and dancin' there's always a fight.\"\n\n\"I'm not worried, I was middleweight champion in boxing back in the navy. I'm sure I can hold my own.\"\n\n\"Alright, lad. But one last thing. There's likely to be sex involved too. Hairy-arsed, drunken sex.\"\n\nThe American smirks. \"Well, after being alone for so many months, that's not out of the question either. One question though: what should I wear?\"\n\nThe big man chuckles and replies, \"Ah, come as you are, it's just gonna be you and me.\"",
        "id": "5tk82e",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "A young American man moves to the Shetland Isles"
    },
    {
        "body": "Lo-Meintenance",
        "id": "5tk7ip",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What do you call a content Asian woman?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Tigger: Why, sure!  [Tigger starts laughing for a few seconds, then puts his right paw on his chin, with his left paw on his right elbow]  Tigger: Except for the splat at the end they're practically similar",
        "id": "5tk7a6",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Piglet: [screaming] Help! Tigger: Oh, relax, Piglet, old pal. There's no difference between plunging 10,000 feet to the jagged rocks below and tumbling out of bed. Piglet: Oh? Really? ."
    },
    {
        "body": "A very old, decrepit old man walked into the catholic church and sat down in a confessional.  A priest greeted the old man who proceeded to tell the priest about this beautiful young woman he had met and was having so much fun with.  They were partying and spending the night in each other arms and he was just having the best time in the world.  So the priest asked him if he and this lady were married. \"Oh no, we're not married,\" he said.  So the priest said, \"okay, say 7 Hail Mary's ...\" and the old man said, \"What's a Hail Mary?\"  The priest said, \"Aren't you catholic?\" to which the man replied that he was not.  So the priest asked what he was doing there then, and the man said, \"Oh, I'm telling everybody.\"",
        "id": "5tk5or",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "The Old Man"
    },
    {
        "body": "A little girl asks her mother.\n\n\"You and your sisters all got your name the same way, we named you Rose because when you were a newborn a rose petal landed on your face.\" She answered.\n\n\"So my name is Raven because a bird landed on me?\" Her sister asked. Mom nodded. \n\n\"HUUHNALAGAH!!!\" The third sister said.\n\n\"Shut up Refrigerator.\"",
        "id": "5tk5lc",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "Mommy, how did I get my name?"
    },
    {
        "body": " they scramble in all directions when you walk up to them.",
        "id": "5tk45n",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "It's very difficult to gather mushrooms in Chernobyl"
    },
    {
        "body": "His dad replies, \"Son, I'm your age, plus half of my own.\" How old is his father?\n\n.\n\n.\n\n.\n\n.\n\n.\n\n.\n\n.\n\n.\n\n.\n\n.\n\n.\n\n.\n\n.\n\nAnswer: 74, Alzheimers just caught him early.",
        "id": "5tk3vo",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "A riddle: \"I'm twenty-two. Hold are you, dad?\""
    },
    {
        "body": "but I can't put my finger on it.",
        "id": "5tk3r5",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "Something about my mom's vagina feels odd to me"
    },
    {
        "body": "A man worked at the Fire Dept. and came home one night suggesting to his wife that they could sort of do the same thing as he did when he went to fight fires.  He said, \"I could come home and say Bell 1 and we could run to the bedroom; Bell 2 and we could take our clothes off; and Bell 3, we could start messing around.\"  So the wife agreed.  The next night the man came home and said \"Bell 1\" and they ran to the bedroom; \"Bell 2\" and they took off their clothes; \"Bell 3\" and they began to mess around.  Then the wife said \"Bell 4.\"  \"What does that mean?\" he said to which she replied: \"More hose, you're nowhere near the fire.\"",
        "id": "5tk3ql",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "The Fireman"
    },
    {
        "body": "...you're working on the eight fold path",
        "id": "5tk36g",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "You're playing poker like a Buddhist..."
    },
    {
        "body": "They each got six months.",
        "id": "5tk27l",
        "score": 50,
        "title": "Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Probably because Mexico has more aliens",
        "id": "5tk1na",
        "score": 22322,
        "title": "Trump's wall will cost 21.6 billion, Nasa's budget is only 19 billion"
    },
    {
        "body": "A cop shows up to a gory car wreck and immediately sees several body parts lying around. He takes out his pen and pad to make some notes for his report.\n\n\"Left arm - found in ditch\"\n\n\"Left leg - found in ditch\"\n\n~~\"Head - found in bulavard~~\n\n~~\"Head - found in boulavard~~\n\n*kick*\n\n\"Head - found in ditch\"",
        "id": "5tjxnv",
        "score": 96,
        "title": "A cop shows up to a gory car wreck (long)"
    },
    {
        "body": "Now the PC police are arresting me for theft of air.",
        "id": "5tjwl3",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "So, I breathed air in modern america."
    },
    {
        "body": "Little johny was sitting in class doing maths problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, \n\n\" Johny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left???\n\"None,\" Johny replied, \" cause the rest would fly away\" \n\nTeacher, \" Well, the answer is four\" , but i like the way are you thinking.\nJohny, teacher i have a question for you, if there were 3 women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, second was biting her cone and third was sucking her cone, which one is married? \n\nTeacher ( nervously ), \"Well\",  I guess the third which was sucking the cone, \n\nJohny, \"No\" ,  the one with the wedding ring on her finger, \"but, I like the way you are thinking\".",
        "id": "5tjwa9",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Little Johny To Teacher"
    },
    {
        "body": "A cop.",
        "id": "5tjw72",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "A Mexican and a black person are riding in a car. Who's driving?"
    },
    {
        "body": "But the beet goes on.",
        "id": "5tjvss",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Most pre-historic vegetables have been lost to time..."
    },
    {
        "body": "A historian bought a house and being the civil war era buff that he was, he wanted a mural of Custers Last Stand to be painted in his new home.\n\nThe historian called in a reputable artist to have him paint the mural for him. He said to the artist\n\n\"I want a mural to be painted of general custers last stand, i want it to capture the moment general custer realized his defeat. I would like it done before i return from vacation next month\"\n\nThe artist obliged and said he had something perfect in mind.\n\nA month passed and the historian returned from vacation. The artist, waiting beside the covered mural, ready to present it to the historian pulled the cover away.\n\nWhat the historian saw was an intricately detailed painting of a large cow in the center, praying, with a halo above its head, surrounded by hundreds of native americans in erotic positions fornicating with one another\n\nOutraged, the historian looked at the artist and yelled\n\n\"What the hell is this?! I asked for custers last stand and you painted pornography on my wall!!\"\n\nThe artist simply replied\n\n\"Well yes sir, thats what ive given you. I call it, holy cow, look at all those fucking indians!\"",
        "id": "5tjver",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "The Historians Mural"
    },
    {
        "body": "... The man sticks his foot in the water and says, \"The water is quite cold.\"  The Jew sticks his nose in and says, \"It is also very deep.\"",
        "id": "5tjtl5",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "A man and a Jew are sitting on a bridge..."
    },
    {
        "body": "On the first hole, the nun hits an excellent shot, landing the ball right on the green. A short golf cart ride later, she putts and the ball rolls right toward the hole but veers left at the second. \"God, I missed!\" yells the nun. \"Now, now, sister,\" the priest remarks, \"don't use the Lord's name in vain, or he will strike you down.\" The nun shrugs him off and prepares to putt again.\n \nOn the tenth hole, the nun again hits a wonderful shot, landing the ball once again on the green. The pair drives over to the green. The nun putts the ball and but it skips over the hole. \"God, I missed!\" the nun exclaims again. \"Be careful, sister l, one must never use the Lord's name in vain, for he will surely strike you down!\" the priest warns. \"Yeah, I heard you the first time,\" says the nun dismissively.\n \nOn the eighteenth hole, after a spectacular shot landing the ball mere metres from the hole, the nun gently taps the ball toward the hole. It rolls gracefully toward its target, spins around the inside of the hole and hops back out, resting firmly right on the edge. Infuriated, the nun shouts, \"God, I missed!\" Suddenly, the sky darkens and the smell of sulphur thickens the air. A massive and terrifying bolt of white lighting streaks down from the sky: a tendril of pure, divine, death-seeking light energy. With an eardrum-shattering crack and a blinding flash, it strikes the priest dead.\n \nA booming, mighty voice cries out from the heavens in frustration: \"*GOD, I MISSED!*\"",
        "id": "5tjtca",
        "score": 53,
        "title": "A nun decides to go golfing and invites a priest to be her caddy."
    },
    {
        "body": "The first two walk up to the bar. The bartender looks at them sternly and says, \"One of you two better fuckin' order something.\"",
        "id": "5tjt4f",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "A group of Fibonaccis walk into the bar"
    },
    {
        "body": "... looking back, maybe I should have noticed something was sketchy about the job posting... \"Now hiring at county jai. Position available: Massage Therapist... Space not provided.\"",
        "id": "5tjrxt",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "I had the worst first day of work ever today!"
    },
    {
        "body": "Pro State University\n\nI'll see myself out.",
        "id": "5tjr44",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Where did the proctologist go to college?"
    },
    {
        "body": ". . .at about 3 o'clock in the morning.\n\n\n\n(You guys can have that one.) <3",
        "id": "5tjq0y",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "I finally quit drinking"
    },
    {
        "body": "The bartender says \"Wow, that's something real special you've got there! Where'd you get it?\"\n\n\"Africa!\", says the parrot.\n",
        "id": "5tjprl",
        "score": 149,
        "title": "So a Black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Lettuce turnip the beet",
        "id": "5tjpei",
        "score": 181,
        "title": "What did the vegetables say at the garden party?"
    },
    {
        "body": "There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.\nThe bartender asks, \"What's the matter?\"\nThe man says, \"I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend.\"\nThe next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.\nThe bartenders asks, \"What's wrong this time?\"\nThe man says, \"I found out that my son is gay.\"\nThe next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.\nThen the bartender asks, \"Doesn't anyone in your family like women?\"\nThe man looks up and says, \"Apprently my wife does.\"",
        "id": "5tjoo5",
        "score": 33,
        "title": "There was this man who walked into a bar and....."
    },
    {
        "body": "I just appear slow because my intellect and wit are respectively so massive and quick, that they are subject to relativistic time dilation. ",
        "id": "5tjoh8",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "I'm not retarded!"
    },
    {
        "body": "The Orange Man",
        "id": "5tjmvj",
        "score": 10,
        "title": "If the Green Man lives in the Green House and the Blue Man lives in the Blue House, who lives in the White House?"
    },
    {
        "body": "The weather channel.",
        "id": "5tjlvy",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "You know what the best place to get the most unbiased news from?"
    },
    {
        "body": "There was too much violins",
        "id": "5tjkb4",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "Why did the boy leave the angyr orchestra?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Mosh-pitatoes.",
        "id": "5tjifi",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "What's a metalhead's favourite spud?"
    },
    {
        "body": "The employee tells the man, \"Sir, you should see a doctor!\" \"Why do you say that?\" he responds, puzzled. \n\n\"Because you're looking a little Sikh!\"",
        "id": "5tji8a",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "A grocery store employee approaches a wise-looking Indian man wearing a turban and a luxuriously long beard"
    },
    {
        "body": "The barman says, 'Well, that was a bloody big tsunami!'",
        "id": "5tji1c",
        "score": 58,
        "title": "A dolphin goes into the bar."
    },
    {
        "body": "*Lawsuits*",
        "id": "5tjhqt",
        "score": 66,
        "title": "What do lawyers wear to court?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Raw Raw RaAaAw",
        "id": "5tjfwz",
        "score": 25,
        "title": "How does Lady Gaga like her steaks?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I guess it was kinda \"PUNintentional\"",
        "id": "5tjfga",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "I made an accidental pun today..."
    },
    {
        "body": "He was born without eyelids. We had to keep his eyes irrigated and shielded from light while they searched for a pediatric plastic surgeon who could correct it.\n\nFortunately one of the top surgeons in our region was available. When our attending physician explained the situation to him, he asked, \"Has the patient been circumcised yet?\" Our doc replied that he hadn't, and the surgeon explained his plan.\n\nThe NICU cut a short length of 5mm silicone tubing and placed it over the tip of our newborn's penis, then carefully stretched his little foreskin over the end of the tubing and taped it in place. After 12 hours they replaced it with 7.5mm tubing, then after 24 hours they replaced that with 10mm tubing.\n\nThe next day the surgeon arrived. They wheeled our baby into surgery where he performed the circumcision and then immediately used the recovered, stretched tissue to replace the missing eyelids.\n\nAfterward, the surgeon explained to us that he's done this surgery only three times before but it was always successful, and since it used the baby's own tissue there was virtually no chance of rejection.\n\nWe thanked the surgeon and asked if there were any side effects we should look out for.\n\n\"Well,\" he said thoughtfully, \"he'll probably be a little cockeyed.\"\n",
        "id": "5tjffq",
        "score": 42,
        "title": "We had our first child and he's beautiful, but he had a rare birth defect."
    },
    {
        "body": "But she's a twin so it's an easy mistake right?",
        "id": "5tjevd",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "So I slept with my girlfriends dad..."
    },
    {
        "body": "The clerk responds,\n\n\"As open as a casket at a funeral. I shouldn't be, but I am.\"",
        "id": "5tjdye",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "A customer walks in a minute before closing and asks if the store is still open."
    },
    {
        "body": "None at all. They're both yuuge assholes.",
        "id": "5tjdjl",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "What's the difference between Goatse and Donald Trump?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A lynx walks into a bar and says \"Hey Barkeep! Mix me up a...\n\n...\n\n...\n\nJackrabbit.\"\n\nThe bartender says, \"you got it buddy, but what's with the big paws?\"",
        "id": "5tjbp9",
        "score": 11,
        "title": "A lynx walks into a bar"
    },
    {
        "body": "Just thought I should come clean ",
        "id": "5tja51",
        "score": 29,
        "title": "I masturbate with soap"
    },
    {
        "body": "Hello Thursday, I'm Friday. Let's go out Saturday and have a Sunday ",
        "id": "5tja1i",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "I'm thirsty"
    },
    {
        "body": "And then it hit me.",
        "id": "5tj8tr",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "I was trying to understand how horse's reflexes work"
    },
    {
        "body": "It was wrong in so many levels...",
        "id": "5tj8o3",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "I fucked a fat chick in an elevator."
    },
    {
        "body": "A Muslim gets permission to come to America but then they take it back. A Mexican doesn't wait for permission to come to America but then they send him back. A white Southern voter acts like he's on a mission to stab America in the back.",
        "id": "5tj84g",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What's the difference between a Muslim, a Mexican, and a white Southern voter?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I guess you can say she gave me a wrist-training order",
        "id": "5tj5xh",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "This girl said she never wants to see me again"
    },
    {
        "body": "but you heard Jamal.",
        "id": "5tj5m6",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "I could tell you a black joke,"
    },
    {
        "body": "\"I have good news and I have bad news.\n\nThe good news is that I got him down to ten. \n\nThe bad news is that he's adamant about the adultery bit.\"",
        "id": "5tj4zb",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "Moses comes down from Mt Sinai and stands before the people"
    },
    {
        "body": "Seems kind of pointless, I mean it always rains in England anyway.",
        "id": "5tj2nr",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Liverpool FC have banned the Sun from their stadium."
    },
    {
        "body": "A wave of horror came over me when I noticed her toe tag said \"15 years old\"",
        "id": "5tj2ek",
        "score": 18,
        "title": "I recently had sex with a girl who I thought I was legal age"
    },
    {
        "body": "It was going through it's midlife crisis.",
        "id": "5tj28q",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Why was the African baby crying?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I told my wife I wanted to watch a movie about a billionaire playboy with a penchant for darkness, inflicting violence and dressing up in masks.\n\nShe got excited and asked, \"Are we really go to see *50 Shades*?\"\n\nI laughed and told her I was talking about *The Lego Batman Movie*.",
        "id": "5tj27b",
        "score": 28,
        "title": "Going To The Movies"
    },
    {
        "body": "It never strikes the same place twice ",
        "id": "5tj22r",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "[NSFW] I'm going to get lightning bolts tattooed on my penis"
    },
    {
        "body": "Aunt Mayonnaise ",
        "id": "5tj1dm",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "What is Uncle Ben's favorite condiment?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Half an hour of begging",
        "id": "5tj0eq",
        "score": 23,
        "title": "What's my idea of foreplay?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Use an enchiladar.\n\n\n",
        "id": "5tj0df",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "How do you get on top of a Mexican restaurant?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Trump's wall budget is 3 Billion more than NASA's budget for the year...apparently NASA doesn't deal with as many aliens as trump does.",
        "id": "5tiyfb",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "So I heard today..."
    },
    {
        "body": "I guess she's showing her the ropes.",
        "id": "5tixh1",
        "score": 32,
        "title": "My dominatrix is busy training a new assistant..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Her/she",
        "id": "5tivvc",
        "score": 380,
        "title": "What pronouns should you use with a chocolate bar?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I told him: \"Cold war Russia\" ",
        "id": "5tivii",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "A friend once asked me, \"If you could have any super power in the world what would it be?\""
    },
    {
        "body": "boy : \"Do you have onion flavoured Ice cream ?\"\n\nman : \" sorry, no I don't\"\n\nthe boy says \" ok\" then walks away.\n\nthe next day the boy comes again \" do you have onion flavored ice cream ? \" asks the boy again. \n\nthe man replies \" sorry, I don't have any\"\n\nthe boy walks away but also comes back the next day asking the same question, and gets the same reply\n\nthe man decides to get onion flavored ice cream just to sell it to the boy, \"if he asked for it so many times he probably will buy a lot\" he thought. \n\nthe next day as suspected to boy comes and asks \" do you have onion flavored ice cream \" \n\nthe man says : \" yes! a whole lot of it too\" \n\nthe boy : \" haha that sucks, who would buy that shit\" and walks away.",
        "id": "5tiux2",
        "score": 22,
        "title": "A boy asks the ice cream truck man."
    },
    {
        "body": "Isn't that humorous?",
        "id": "5tiuot",
        "score": 17,
        "title": "My teacher said, because I was acting up in class, I have to do a book report on the largest bone in the arm."
    },
    {
        "body": "...as he approaches the counter, he mouths to the pharmacist that he needs condoms. The pharmacist doesn't quite understand. Slower, and this time with sign language, the man who needs condoms mouths again that he needs condoms. Still confused, the pharmacist shakes his head and explains he doesn't understand. The deaf/mute man starts mouthing the word \"sex\" over and again, pointing at his crotch, and again, slowly mouths the word \"CON-DOM\". Still, the pharmacist looks at him perplexed. \n\nExasperated, the deaf/mute man finally unzips his pants, pulls a $10 bill out of his pocket, and simultaneously puts the money and his penis on the table. He points to the money, points to his penis, points at the pharmacist, and points at a shelf behind the pharmacist where condoms are on display. The pharmacist unzips his pants, puts his own penis on the table, and picks up the ten dollars.\n\nThe deaf/mute man begins throwing a fit. The pharmacist calmly looks at him and says \"Well, if you're afraid to lose, don't play the game\".",
        "id": "5tis9m",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "A deaf/mute man walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms"
    },
    {
        "body": "Because sects sells.",
        "id": "5tirvh",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "Why do politicians always claim to be religious?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I look at my X and wonder Y.",
        "id": "5tiqwq",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "For me, Divorce is like Algebra."
    },
    {
        "body": "He flipped out",
        "id": "5tiq95",
        "score": 63,
        "title": "What did the claustrophobic ninja do when he fell down a well?"
    },
    {
        "body": "So that means that city people wake up to a clock and country people wake up to a cock.",
        "id": "5tiq2z",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Country people would usually have a rooster to wake them up and the city people would have an alarm clock"
    },
    {
        "body": "A citizen of Soviet Russia",
        "id": "5tipyy",
        "score": 8,
        "title": "What do you call a person who doesn't like Soviet Russia?"
    },
    {
        "body": "but her deviations were anything but standard.",
        "id": "5tipsx",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "She was only a statistician's daughter"
    },
    {
        "body": "I saw black guys slip on black ice and get black eyes. ",
        "id": "5tipsg",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Be careful this winter..."
    },
    {
        "body": "but she sure liked having her asphalt.",
        "id": "5tiplc",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "She was only a roadworker's daughter"
    },
    {
        "body": "Teacher asked, Why is your cat with u in school? Kid says (crying), \"I heard daddy tell mommy, I'm eating that p*ssy when the kids leave!\" \n\n",
        "id": "5tio4f",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "I'm eating that p*ssy"
    },
    {
        "body": "A rektangle",
        "id": "5tinic",
        "score": 17,
        "title": "What do you call a triangle that gets into a car accident?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I am taken\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\nFor granted ",
        "id": "5tilz2",
        "score": 511,
        "title": "No actually I am not single"
    },
    {
        "body": "That's the exact same way I flirt with girls",
        "id": "5tilfk",
        "score": 24,
        "title": "Do you know the way little children run towards the waves of the ocean but back up the very last second?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Horse dick.",
        "id": "5tikm9",
        "score": 38,
        "title": "What do gay horses eat?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?",
        "id": "5tikgf",
        "score": 27,
        "title": "For Valentine's Day, me and the girlfriend are just gonna stay in and watch a movie."
    },
    {
        "body": "Because he hates it raw.",
        "id": "5tihzg",
        "score": 97,
        "title": "Why does Gordon Ramsey like to have sex with a condom?"
    },
    {
        "body": "He left his heart in San Francisco.",
        "id": "5tih5l",
        "score": 8,
        "title": "Did you hear about the registered donor who had a car crash on the Golden Gate Bridge?"
    },
    {
        "body": "He sees  an elderly couple with one Happy Meal. They take out all of the food, lay it out on the table, and start splitting it. They split the burger in half, split the fries into two equal piles, etc. But what strikes the man as odd is that only the husband begins eating.\n\nSo the man walks over and says, \"I can buy you another Happy Meal if you like.\"\n\nThe elderly woman replies, \"Oh no, we share everything.\"\n\nThe man waits, and only the old man continues eating. The woman sits there and watches.\n\nSo he goes back over and says, \"Ma'am, I would be *honored* to buy you another Happy Meal.\"\n\n\"Oh no,\" she replies, \"you misunderstand. We share *everything*.\"\n\nSlightly exasperated, the man asks, \"Then what are you waiting for?\"\n\nThe elderly woman replies, \"The dentures, of course!\"",
        "id": "5tigso",
        "score": 8,
        "title": "A man walks into a McDonalds."
    },
    {
        "body": "It was a good buy. ",
        "id": "5tig35",
        "score": 17,
        "title": "A bought a farewell card for only a penny..."
    },
    {
        "body": "\nA lickalotopuss.",
        "id": "5tie6y",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "What do you call a lesbian dinosaur"
    },
    {
        "body": "A blonde's phone rang in the middle of the night. \n\n\"Hello?\" she said. \n\n\"Hello,\" said a voice. \"Is this Tommy?\" \n\n\"No,\" said the blonde. \"You must have the wrong number.\" \n\n\"Oh, sorry,\" said the caller. \"I hope I didn't wake you.\" \n\n\"Oh, that's okay,\" said the blonde. \"I had to get up anyway, to answer the phone!\"",
        "id": "5tidgi",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "A blonde's phone rang in the middle of the night"
    },
    {
        "body": "Some people just want to watch the whirled burn.",
        "id": "5tid4e",
        "score": 22,
        "title": "Why did the mad scientist deliberately create a huge fire tornado?"
    },
    {
        "body": "because they won't make cents any more.",
        "id": "5ticoi",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "If the US stops minting pennies, 99\u00a2 deals will disappear"
    },
    {
        "body": "Both of them love stuffing their cheeks with nuts. ",
        "id": "5ticbx",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "What do squirrels and my girlfriend have in common?"
    },
    {
        "body": "\"Chris, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit\"",
        "id": "5tiayt",
        "score": 3327,
        "title": "\"Dad, look! I'm a 3D printer!\""
    },
    {
        "body": "Because it wanted a new highscore.",
        "id": "5tiad0",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Dress her up as an alter boy.",
        "id": "5tiacl",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "How do you get a nun pregnant?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Tin pot.",
        "id": "5ti8sv",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Something for cooking on a stove. A metallic sculpture of a marijuana leaf. Donald Trump."
    },
    {
        "body": "Luckily I was the one facing the TV",
        "id": "5ti8mr",
        "score": 10,
        "title": "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back"
    },
    {
        "body": "Oh.  You're still doing that?",
        "id": "5ti8lo",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?"
    },
    {
        "body": "There was soup everywhere. ",
        "id": "5ti7hu",
        "score": 19,
        "title": "I once when on a date with a girl who didn't swallow."
    },
    {
        "body": "There are two goats on top of a hill eating grass. One says to the other I wish this was the kind of grass that gets you high. The other says did we not just climb this hill?",
        "id": "5ti74v",
        "score": 11,
        "title": "Two goats on top of a hill..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Because they work.",
        "id": "5ti67k",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Why are aspirins white?"
    },
    {
        "body": "That's the last time I ever buy a larva lamp\u2026",
        "id": "5ti4xu",
        "score": 57,
        "title": "I woke up this morning and my bedside light had turned into a moth..."
    },
    {
        "body": "It's fucking intense.",
        "id": "5ti3dd",
        "score": 80,
        "title": "Anybody here have sex while camping?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Something about them just doesn't seem right.",
        "id": "5ti1sv",
        "score": 27,
        "title": "I hate left-handed people."
    },
    {
        "body": "She says, \"Don't even go there. The way that party went, you're lucky you don't bark.\"",
        "id": "5ti0wu",
        "score": 443,
        "title": "A boy asks his mom why he's black and she's white"
    },
    {
        "body": "It is the new school year, and the science class sits down. The professor walks in with a dead body on a stretcher. The whole class screams and cringes at the sight of the body.\n\nThe professor says, \"Calm down class. Now, in this class you will be doing many things that may provoke feelings of disgust, but you must do them in the name of science. To help you overcome your fear, I brought in this doner body.\" The professor then puts his finger into the body's anus, and then puts the finger into his mouth. \"Now, I want all of you to do what I did, put your finger in the anus of the body, then put your finger in your mouth. I will give you a zero if you do not do this.\"\n\nThe students, not wanting to get a zero, one by one, put their fingers in the corpse, then in their mouths.\n\nThe professor nods. \"Very good class. However, a key component in proper science is careful observation. If you had been observing closely, you would have noticed I had put my middle finger in the corpse, and my index finger in my mouth.\"",
        "id": "5ti0w0",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "Science professor"
    },
    {
        "body": "A woman walks into a store. Billy the clerk and the manager are talking away, and the woman asks the clerk where some stuff is.\n\nWoman: \"Excuse me sir, do you know where the Kleenex, toilet paper, ear cleaners, napkins, and tampons are?\n\nThe manager replies with, \"Dear Lord Billy, help her! She's leaking from every hole!\"",
        "id": "5thy98",
        "score": 16,
        "title": "The woman in the store"
    },
    {
        "body": "One comes back from camp. ",
        "id": "5thxfs",
        "score": 70,
        "title": "What's the difference between a boy scout and a jew?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Archangel Gabriel greeds them but tell them that because of new rules only the ones with a worthy death story may enter.\n\nFirst guy in line: \"Well.. I came home early from work and found my wife naked and exhausted in bed. I realized her deed and in fury I started looking for her lover and soon after I found him hanging by his fingers in our bedroom window. I picked up my hammer and started hammering his fingers until the screaming fucker let go. Falling down 4 stories I thought this would surely kill him but when I looked down I saw he had landed in a bush and survived the fall. Still frowning I ran to the kitchen, picked up our fridge and threw it out the bedroom window smashing my wifes lover like a melon. Apparently this was more than my heart could take and I died from a heart attack\"\n\nGabriel: \"Sure is a good death story, you may enter\"\n\nThe second guy: \"Well.. I was cleaning my bedroom window and suddenly I slipped and fell out window. Luckily my downstair neighbor had an open window and by quick reacting I grabbed the ledge by the tip of my fingers. But would you believe it, some douchebag fuck start hammering my fingers until I let go and fall down 4 stories. Amazingly I survive by landing in a bush but then the ass clown throws his fucking fridge out the window squashing me like a melon!..\" \n\nGabriel: \"also a great story, you may enter\"\n\nThird guy: \"Well.. I was hiding naked in a fridge..\"\n\n(spelling, grammar)",
        "id": "5thxeo",
        "score": 247,
        "title": "3 guys stand in front of the heaven gateway waiting to enter"
    },
    {
        "body": "but it would cross the border.",
        "id": "5thwi3",
        "score": 33,
        "title": "I could tell you a Mexican joke"
    },
    {
        "body": "Minecraft - the sequel to Mein Kampf",
        "id": "5thv9h",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Minecraft"
    },
    {
        "body": "A blind guy walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. He makes his way through the crowded joint to order a beer from the bar.  \n\nAfter a few sips the man casually grabs the slack from the leash, and proceeds to swing the dog by its neck around his head like a helicopter. \n\nSeveral terrified patrons scream, \"what the hell are you doing?!?\"\n\nCasually, yet slightly offended, the man replies, \"geez, relax, I'm just looking around.\" ",
        "id": "5thv25",
        "score": 67,
        "title": "A blind guy walks into a bar..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Everybody wants some: Our Little Sister Victoria, The Neon Demon American Honey; Dr Strange, Son of Saul; The Clan. Love and Friendship - The Club. Room. Wiener-dog. Sausage Party. High Rise. Mustang. Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them. Fast And Furious 7. Arrival, Joy, Zootopia. Deadpool. The Hateful 8.",
        "id": "5thr2o",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Just a list of movies from recent years"
    },
    {
        "body": "Beautiful young patient:  Probably golfing with his buddies... ",
        "id": "5thqgy",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Gynecologist: Do you know what your asshole is doing while you are having an orgasm??"
    },
    {
        "body": "I am not a cook.",
        "id": "5thn2x",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "What did Nixon say when his pasta got criticized?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I don't know I'm just a drone pilot",
        "id": "5thn0q",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What is the difference between a rebel base and a Pakistan school?"
    },
    {
        "body": "By taking advantage of the quartz system.",
        "id": "5thm9e",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "How did the geologist win his lawsuit?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Intermitten",
        "id": "5thl2u",
        "score": 10,
        "title": "What do you call someone that occasionally likes gloves?"
    },
    {
        "body": "She says: \"Can i have that TV over there?\" The Man on the Counter replies: \"No because you're blonde\". The next day the Blonde decides to put on a brunette wig and goes back into the store and asks again: \"Can i have that TV over there?\" The Man on the Counter, again replies: \"No because you're blonde!\" the blonde is completely bewildered at why he knew that she was blonde! so she tries again the next day with a red wig, again the same respone, and so on and on with always different wigs.\nThen one day she asks: \"OKAY! HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT I'M BLONDE?\" The man replies: \"Because that a f*cking microwave\"",
        "id": "5thkjn",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "A blonde walks into a TechStore"
    },
    {
        "body": "Except for one: he\u00b4s never gonna give you UP!",
        "id": "5thiu9",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "Rick Astley will let you borrow you any movie in his Pixar collection..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Alt-right.",
        "id": "5thhcm",
        "score": 8,
        "title": "TIL that there's a new shortcut in the PC version of GTA V, which when you press it, will cause your character to kill minorities."
    },
    {
        "body": "It was a dozen kilograms and he sold it for a grand",
        "id": "5thh4v",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "A jew walks into a bar..."
    },
    {
        "body": "My friends Warren, Nicholas, and I were going to a Halloween party. We needed to pick out costumes. Being an avid cosplayer, Nicholas, who we called Nick, was going as the iron giants. I'm more inclined to go with a simple costume, as I have in the past. I went as a roll of toilet paper. Warren, who we called War because it sounds better than 'Ren,' could not for the life of him choose what to wear.\n\nSo we went to the costume store and looked at every single outfit we could. He decided to pick out a ninja turtle outfit. Well, our friend Catherine, who we called Kate, was there and she was also going to be a ninja turtle. She became a bit upset at the thought of wearing the same thing as War. \n\n\"Look,\" Kate told Nick, \" I know that if it were you that picked out the same costume as me, you'd change it. Same to you,\" she told me. \"You guys are reasonable like that. But War. War never changes.\" \n",
        "id": "5thgzu",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Some friends and I were going to a Halloween party..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na\nHey, Jude",
        "id": "5thgwi",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "Which song is the most salty?"
    },
    {
        "body": "They're both smoking, and it starts to rain. One if them out her cigarette out, and the other took out a condom to put over the cigarette so she could continue smoking.\n\nThe woman looks at the one with the condom and says, \"wow that's neat, what is it and where can I get one?\"\n\nThe other woman replies, \"it's a condom, you can get them at any of your locals pharmacies.\"\n\nSo the woman walks to a nearby pharmacy. She goes up to the counter and asks the cashier, \"hey can I have a pack of condoms please?\"\n\nThe cashier says, \"sure what size?\"\n\nTo which she replies, \"the size that can fit a camel.\"",
        "id": "5thfkz",
        "score": 33,
        "title": "Two women are sitting at a bus stop..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Nothing. He died of a heart attack.",
        "id": "5theuh",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "What did the man say after eating a Big Mac, a McRib, a bucket of KFC, and a Arby's brisket?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I don't know what they were laced with but I kept tripping",
        "id": "5thei7",
        "score": 16,
        "title": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer"
    },
    {
        "body": "When you're eating out of a trash can it doesn't sound half bad.",
        "id": "5thdiw",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Communism is a trash can ideology"
    },
    {
        "body": "He sits down and orders a drink. After a while he gets bored and tells the bartender\n\n\"Bartender... Tell me a funny joke.\"\n\nThe bartender tells him\n\n\"Hitler killed millions of Jews and one clown.\"\n\nThe Jewish man, dumbfounded, tells him\n\n\"... I don't get it. Why the clown?\"\n\nThe bartender\n\n\"See, nobody ever gives a shit about the Jews.\"",
        "id": "5thb97",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "A Jewish man walks into a bar..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Smartphones.",
        "id": "5tha4k",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Kids of the 2010's will get this..."
    },
    {
        "body": "There, their, they're. ",
        "id": "5th8s4",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "How do you comfort a grammar buff?"
    },
    {
        "body": "It was just a stage he was going through.",
        "id": "5th8h2",
        "score": 322,
        "title": "Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floor?"
    },
    {
        "body": "the chicken because eggs cant cum",
        "id": "5th861",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "which came first the chicken or the egg?"
    },
    {
        "body": "He wanted to ketchup.",
        "id": "5th7b7",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Why did the sugar hang out with the tomoto?"
    },
    {
        "body": "The previous owner said it was a *KITT* car.",
        "id": "5th7a8",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "I just bought a replica of the Knight Rider car."
    },
    {
        "body": "The lesbians. Because they go lickety split and the gay guys poke ass along. ",
        "id": "5th5u9",
        "score": 18,
        "title": "Who wins a race between a gay couple and lesbian couple?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Keep it short and sweet.",
        "id": "5th3ve",
        "score": 28,
        "title": "If your gunna tell a joke about a midget being smothered in honey...."
    },
    {
        "body": "Because they always shoot down the black one first.",
        "id": "5th1vw",
        "score": 273,
        "title": "How come american cops always lose at pool?"
    },
    {
        "body": "So he asks to 3 people for the price: A Chinese, a German and a Brazilian.\n\nThe Chinese says: \nIt'll cost 2 million dollars.\n1,5 million for painting, half a million for profit.\n\nThe German says:\nIt'll cost 4 million.\n2,5 million for the painting and 1,5 million for profit\n\nThe Brazilian says:\nIt'll cost 10 million.\nYou get 4 million, I get 4 million, and give 2 for the Chinese",
        "id": "5th14j",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "A rich man needs to paint his entire mansion"
    },
    {
        "body": "\"Women's rights\" \n\n *^ba-dum ^ching*",
        "id": "5th0h1",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "What's a joke that was funny in early America, but is even more hilarious in the present day middle east?"
    },
    {
        "body": "In school, I once dropped the base.\n\nThe kid next to me got severe alkali burns. . .",
        "id": "5tgzey",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "The bass drop"
    },
    {
        "body": "Natural In-Stink",
        "id": "5tgxet",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What happens to a penis after sex?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I was praying to God about some new trainers i want, when all of a sudden, a tall white haired man appears saying in a deep voice \"I A GOD\" a little stunned i dont believe the white bearded man, \"prove it\" i say, then poof my brand new trainers appear before me now, flabbergasted i ask \"wow, so out of all the prayers why did you answer mine, about some trainers?\" God then looks at me and says \"well, i got bored of giving kids in Africa AIDS\"",
        "id": "5tgwne",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "At church one sunday..."
    },
    {
        "body": "\"I have a boyfriend!\"\n\n\"I'm the barkeeper you stupid cunt\"",
        "id": "5tgtjl",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "\"Would you like a drink?\""
    },
    {
        "body": "We took offense",
        "id": "5tgsqu",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Our neighbours criticized our new fence"
    },
    {
        "body": "What did the unemployed cancer cell say?\n\"We should get Jobs\"",
        "id": "5tgqfn",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "RIP Jobs"
    },
    {
        "body": "They were put on trial and the judge called them in one by one\n\nJudge: What were you doing in the lake after 9 pm? \n\nMan 1: Your honor, I was blowing bubbles. \n\nMan 1 exits, Man 2 comes in\n\nJudge: What were you doing in the lake after 9 pm? \n\nMan 2: Your honor, I was blowing bubbles. \n\nMan 2 exits, Man 3 comes in\n\nJudge: Dont tell me you were blowing bubbles too. \n\nMan 3: No sir my name is Bubbles",
        "id": "5tgq1s",
        "score": 20,
        "title": "Three guys were found trespassing in the city lake"
    },
    {
        "body": "One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.\nThe man says \u201cOh just a beer\u201d.\nThe bartender asked the man \u201cWhats wrong,why are you so down today?\u201d.\nThe man said \u201cMy wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would\u2019nt talk to me for a month\u201d.\nThe bartender said \u201cSo whats wrong with that\u201d?\nThe man siad \u201cWell the month is up tonight\u201d.",
        "id": "5tgq0f",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "One night a man walks into a bar looking sad....."
    },
    {
        "body": "They're a small medium at large.",
        "id": "5tgp8h",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Did you hear about the midget fortune teller who escaped prison?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Surprise anal will make your hole weak",
        "id": "5tgogb",
        "score": 30,
        "title": "Surprise oral will make your day"
    },
    {
        "body": "Girlfriend: Don't you have a vase? ",
        "id": "5tglz6",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "Woman to her girlfriend: My husband got me a dozen roses; tonight I guess I have no choice but to spread eagle with my legs in the air."
    },
    {
        "body": "Looks like I am allergic to peanuts",
        "id": "5tgkhx",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "I hate seeing penises and people peeing"
    },
    {
        "body": "Not true, its just a myff. ",
        "id": "5tgk8u",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "Ever hear that black people have a speech impediment?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Baby goats are so adorable.",
        "id": "5tgizx",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "I once saw a Chupacabras..."
    },
    {
        "body": "/r/jokes. The End",
        "id": "5tgik3",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "A Reposter walked into..."
    },
    {
        "body": "\nUntil my girlfriend told me she had asthma.",
        "id": "5tgi5s",
        "score": 34,
        "title": "I used to think I was good in bed....."
    },
    {
        "body": "Father : \"That's great son. Who is she?\"\n\nSon: \"It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter\".\n\nFather : \"Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you\nmust promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister.\"\n\nThe boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later\n\nSon : \"Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!\"\n\nFather : \"That's great son. Who is she?\"\n\nSon: \"It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter.\"\n\nFather : \"Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister.\"\n\nThis went on couple of times and the son was so mad,he went straight to his mother\ncrying.\n\nSon : \"Mum I am so mad at dad ! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because daddy is their father!\"\n\nThe mother hugs him affectionately and says:\n\n\"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your\nFather.\"!!!\n",
        "id": "5tghsf",
        "score": 23968,
        "title": "Son : \"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!\""
    },
    {
        "body": "So Boudreaux heads down to Nicholls State and talks to the Dean. The Dean tells him \"Well Boudreaux, you don't have much education, so we'll start you with the basics. Literature, Math, History and Logic.\"\n\nBoudreaux says \"I heard of dem math and books and history, but what's logic?\"\n\nThe Dean says \"Well, let me show you. Do you own a lawnmower?\"\n\n\"Ya\"\n\n\"So that means you probably own a home, right?\"\n\n\"Yessir\"\n\n\"And if you own a home, you likely have a wife and children, correct?\"\n\n\"That I do\"\n\n\"Which means you're a straight male.\"\n\n\"Wow, you figured out all dat from a lawnmower?\"\n\n\"Yes Mr Boudreaux, that's what logic is.\"\n\nSo Boudreaux leaves and heads down to the bar where he runs into Thibodeaux. He starts telling him about how he's going to college and his classes. Thibodeaux asks him \"Well, I know those other ones, but what's logic?\"\n\nBoudreaux says \"I'll show you. Do you own a lawnmower?\"\n\n\"Well no Boudreaux, I don't.\"\n\n\"Then you're a faggot.\"",
        "id": "5tggko",
        "score": 14,
        "title": "Boudreaux decides he needs to go to college"
    },
    {
        "body": "But it just tastes like blood.",
        "id": "5tggd1",
        "score": 160,
        "title": "You'd think glass would taste like rocks.."
    },
    {
        "body": "A stick.",
        "id": "5tgfdc",
        "score": 15,
        "title": "What's brown and sticky?"
    },
    {
        "body": "*\"I'm Nazi bad person here!\"*",
        "id": "5tgepy",
        "score": 12,
        "title": "What did Richard Spencer squeal after getting punched in the face?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Down Undies",
        "id": "5tgdlh",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "What do Australians wear under their pants?"
    },
    {
        "body": "It's seven",
        "id": "5tgdc7",
        "score": 1236,
        "title": "I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand"
    },
    {
        "body": "A stoner goes to the doctor complaining he sees cats playing soccer every night when he falls asleep. The doctor recommends he stays up for a night. Stoner says ok but he can't miss the final tonight. ",
        "id": "5tgc8o",
        "score": 11,
        "title": "Stoner goes to the doctor"
    },
    {
        "body": "... But you guys didnt like it",
        "id": "5tgc18",
        "score": 89,
        "title": "I had a joke about time travel...."
    },
    {
        "body": "Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out the turtle was 6 feet tall and knew karate. ",
        "id": "5tgc0e",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Pikachu ",
        "id": "5tgaqf",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Who called it election and not.."
    },
    {
        "body": "You need water to swim",
        "id": "5tgacq",
        "score": 15,
        "title": "Why do you never see an African in Olympic swimming?"
    },
    {
        "body": "She brought a spoon to the superbowl.",
        "id": "5tg997",
        "score": 10,
        "title": "Yo Momma so stupid..."
    },
    {
        "body": "He replies \"He's a magician.\"\n\nShe asks \"Is he good?\"\n\nHe says \"Yeah, he disappeared 8 years ago.\"",
        "id": "5tg5ap",
        "score": 596,
        "title": "A girl asks a boy \"What does your dad do for a living?''"
    },
    {
        "body": "His lawyers believe on Trumped up charges. ",
        "id": "5tg5a6",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Alec Baldwin has been arrested."
    },
    {
        "body": "Because paper beats rock. ",
        "id": "5tg39s",
        "score": 11,
        "title": "Why do we live on a giant rock, but ruled by money?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I told him I've been using Reddit for a couple months now and see no changes.\n\nI then saw myself out. ",
        "id": "5tg320",
        "score": 16,
        "title": "My therapist recommended an anonymous community to me, a narcissist. Said that they gather and discuss their day to day accomplishments, annoyances, etc."
    },
    {
        "body": "After traveling several hours, enjoying dinner, and meeting the baby, the grandparents decided to spend the night. \n\nThe grandparents, being older, had trouble sleeping. The grandfather rolled over, tapped on the grandmother' shoulder, and asked, \"would you like to do some laundry?\" This had been their code word for sex for many years. The grandmother was beside herself. \"Here? In your child's and new grandchild's house? That's disgusting!\" The grandfather sighed and rolled over. \n\nAfter dosing off for a few hours, the grandmother woke up, tapped the grandfather on the shoulder and said, \"I think everyone else is asleep. We can do some laundry now!\" The grandfather yawned and replied, \"Don't worry about that, dear. I just had a small load, so I did it by hand.\"",
        "id": "5tg140",
        "score": 13,
        "title": "First time grandparents go to visit the new baby"
    },
    {
        "body": "Consoled him",
        "id": "5tg0z3",
        "score": 12,
        "title": "What did one gamer do to the other gamer after he lost?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Because polar bears are a hot animal",
        "id": "5tg057",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Why are the polar ice caps melting"
    },
    {
        "body": "A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 200,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, \"There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal.\" \"That doesn't matter,\" replied the blonde, \"If I only can sell the car. \"Okay,\" said the brunette. \"Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore.\" The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, \"Did you sell your car?\" \"No,\" replied the blonde, \"why should I? It only has 60,000 miles on it.\" \n\n",
        "id": "5tfxpo",
        "score": 248,
        "title": "Blonde car"
    },
    {
        "body": "B: 76\n\nA: That's the spirit.",
        "id": "5tfxo7",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "A: What comes after 75?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Then I took culinary classes.",
        "id": "5tfxi5",
        "score": 179,
        "title": "I used to cut and burn myself."
    },
    {
        "body": "Me: Dad, I'm over here",
        "id": "5tfwke",
        "score": 117,
        "title": "Dad: You know son, if you keep masterbating, you're going to go blind"
    },
    {
        "body": "My penis.\n",
        "id": "5tfw2x",
        "score": 107,
        "title": "After death, what is the only organ in the female body which remains warm?"
    },
    {
        "body": "The lawyer just keeps bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offers her 100 to 1 odds, and says every time the blonde can not answer one of his questions, she owes him $5, but every time he cannot answer hers, he\u2019ll give her $500. The lawyer figures he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepts. The lawyer first asks, \u201cWhat is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?\u201d Without saying a word the blonde hands him $5. The blonde then asks, \u201cWhat goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?\u201d Well, the lawyer is puzzled. He takes several hours, looking up everything he can on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gives up and pays the blonde $500 The blonde put the $500 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insists, \u201cWhat is the answer to your question?\u201d Without saying a word, the blonde hands him $5.",
        "id": "5tfvw8",
        "score": 150,
        "title": "A blonde is sitting next to a lawyer on a plane"
    },
    {
        "body": "Just eat the sand which is there.",
        "id": "5tfult",
        "score": 24,
        "title": "If you go to the beach and forget your lunch, what can you eat?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A man walks by a garage sale and he sees a flat screen TV, he asks the seller \"how much's the TV?\n\nSeller: 1 Dollar.\n\nMan: What? One dollar!, how come it's so cheap?\n\nS: The valume is stuck on the highest option.\n\nM: Is that it, is there anything else I should know?\n\nS: Nope thats it \n\nM: Wow, You can turn that down ",
        "id": "5tftto",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "TV for sale"
    },
    {
        "body": "...finds his seat and sees an elderly fellow in the next row with an empty seat beside him. They get to chatting and he asks if the seat is taken:\n\n\"Not anymore. My wife and I used to go to all the games together, but she died. This is the first game I've been to since!\"\n\n\"Oh, I'm so sorry. Couldn't you give the ticket to a friend, or a family member?\"\n\n\"Nah. They're all at the funeral.\"",
        "id": "5tfsws",
        "score": 343,
        "title": "Guy goes to a ballgame..."
    },
    {
        "body": "It means a lot.",
        "id": "5tfsax",
        "score": 1016,
        "title": "Thanks for explaining the word \"many\" to me."
    },
    {
        "body": "The first one says \"I think I'll have an H2O.\" \n\nThe second one says \"I think I'll have water too.\"\n\nThe first chemist now has to rethink the assassination.",
        "id": "5tfs1c",
        "score": 252,
        "title": "Two chemists walk into a bar"
    },
    {
        "body": "It's Rainier!",
        "id": "5tfr6i",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "How does the weather in Seattle compare to the rest of the United States?"
    },
    {
        "body": "He asks the woman, she replies \"Nothing, it's an inside joke!\"",
        "id": "5tfr0j",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "A man sees a pregnant woman laughing"
    },
    {
        "body": "A Rice-ist ",
        "id": "5tfn44",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What do you call someone who stereotypes Asians?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Billy, learned at school that everybody has secrets. So, he decided to take advantage of it. \n\nHis mom, obviously scared to death: \"Here, take 100 euros and say NOTHING to your father about it, okay?\"\n\n \"Okay mommy!\" says Billy and leaves the room with a big smile on his face.\n\n When his dad came from work, he did the same to him as well: \"Daddy, daddy! I found out everything!\" \n\nNumb, his father puts his hand on his pocket: \"Here, take 350 euros and say NOTHING to your mother, okay?\"\n\n \"Okay!\" says Billy with a bigger smile on his face. \n\nThe next morning, on his way to school, he sees the Postman. He thought he could try it to him too: \n\n\"Mr. Focker, I know everything!\" \n\nThe Postman, the minute he heard it, fell on his knees and wide opened his arms: \"Then come to Daddy!\"",
        "id": "5tfn0f",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Everyone has secrets"
    },
    {
        "body": "The driver pulls the car over and walks over to the sheep. The passenger watching this assumes he got out to help. The driver, not having intercourse for the longest time, drops his pants and starts sodomizing the sheep. \n\nThe passenger is shocked and yells out the window, \"What the hell are you doing?!\". \n\nThe driver, mid-stroke yells back, \"I'm fucking this sheep, you want some of this?\". \n\nSo the passenger gets out of the car and sticks his head in the fence. ",
        "id": "5tfma4",
        "score": 23,
        "title": "Two men are driving along a rural road when the driver spots a sheep with it's head stuck in the fence..."
    },
    {
        "body": "He got run over by the ice-cream truck.\n",
        "id": "5tfm9c",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "Why did Billy drop his ice cream"
    },
    {
        "body": "Seeing how nobody else would likely go with them, the boy with the wooden eye asks the girl with the hairy lip, \"Would you like to go to Prom with me?\". \n\nThe girl with the hairy lip, surprised and excited says, \"Would I!?\". \n\n\"HAIRY LIP\", replied the boy. ",
        "id": "5tfjqd",
        "score": 12,
        "title": "A boy with a wooden eye asked a girl with a hairy lip to the prom..."
    },
    {
        "body": "It's called \"Yes We Can\"",
        "id": "5tfgqm",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "Obama's going to open a home food preservation supply store next"
    },
    {
        "body": "!No guey, Jos\u00e9!",
        "id": "5tfgiw",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "I just found out my best friend, Jos\u00e9, is moving away."
    },
    {
        "body": "A new nurse on the psychiatric ward goes into a patient's room to talk the patient and check up on her. The nurse asks the patient \"How are you doing today?\"\n\nThe patient says \"That's no way to address me!\"\n\n\"What do you mean?\" replies the nurse\n\n\"You should address someone of my stature with respect and humility!\" said the patient indignantly\n\n\"Oh, I should? And why is that?\" asked the nurse\n\n\"Because, I am the Queen!\" the patient exclamed\n\n\"Really now? And who told you that?\" The nurse asked skeptically \n\n\"God did!\" replied the patient\n\n\"Did not!\" shouted the patient from down the hall",
        "id": "5tffy3",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "A joke my nursing teacher told the class"
    },
    {
        "body": "A plane is crashing with President Trump, an old man, a little boy and the pilot. Dont ask questions. Just accept this situation. :) The plane is nearing the ground and the group is dicussing who gets the only 3 parachutes. President Trump immediately grabs one and says (With a donald trump voice)\"I am the new President. I have a lot of great plans for my country. I need a parachute.\" He takes one and jumps.\n\nThe pilot then quickly blurts out, \"I am the captain of this plane. These are my parachutes. Im taking one.\" He takes one and jumps. \n\nThis leaves only the little boy and the old man. The old man quickly says. \"You better take the las parachute. Im old and have lived my life. You can still do great things with the time..\" He is interrupted by the little boy who says. \"You dont have to die! We can both go. President Trump Jumped out with my backpack!\"",
        "id": "5tfezd",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "A plane is crashing with President Trump..."
    },
    {
        "body": "What kind of doughnuts do the KKK prefer? White powdered doughnuts\n",
        "id": "5tfewx",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Doughnuts make u go nuts"
    },
    {
        "body": "A local charity had never received a donation from the town\u2019s banker, so the director made a phone call. \u201cOur records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven\u2019t given a penny to charity,\u201d the director began. \u201cWouldn\u2019t you like to help the community?\u201d\n\nThe banker replied, \u201cDid your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?\u201d\n\n\u201cUm, no,\u201d mumbled the director.\n\n\u201cOr that my brother is unemployed? Or that my sister\u2019s husband left, leaving her broke with four kids?\u201d\n\n\u201cI \u2026 I \u2026 I had no idea.\u201d\n\n\u201cSo,\u201d said the banker, \u201cif I don\u2019t give them any money, why would I give any to you?\u201d\n",
        "id": "5tfepm",
        "score": 1096,
        "title": "A heart of gold."
    },
    {
        "body": "\"I help the girls get dressed and undressed.\"\n\n\"Great gig. How much?\"\n\n\"Twenty dollars a day.\"\n\n\"That's not very much.\"\n\n\"It's all I can afford.\"",
        "id": "5tfeg3",
        "score": 20,
        "title": "I got a job at the strip club."
    },
    {
        "body": "Then 25.806975... is the root of all evil.",
        "id": "5tfeev",
        "score": 1228,
        "title": "If 666 is the evil number"
    },
    {
        "body": "No one could believe it, it was an udder shock! ",
        "id": "5tfeau",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Did you guys hear about the cow that was able to step over the the electric fence?"
    },
    {
        "body": "She couldn't control her pupils.",
        "id": "5tfdzw",
        "score": 8,
        "title": "The substitute teacher's eyes were crossed"
    },
    {
        "body": "Turns out it was the wrong thread ",
        "id": "5tf5bb",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "I asked why my stitches were unravelling but accidentally posted it to a gaming forum last night"
    },
    {
        "body": "They jump out of bed, she rushes to the bathroom to freshen up, he grabs his cloths and heads out the window.\n\n5 minutes later there is a knock on the front door. She goes to open it while setting her dress. When she opens the door the guy she was just making love to was waiting outside.\n\n\"Honey\", says her husband. \"We're way too stressed out\"   \n\nedit: added \"husband\" for clarification",
        "id": "5tf4cs",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "two lovers were in the heat of passion when all of a sudden the sound of hard breaking and tire screeching was heard from outside"
    },
    {
        "body": "Why did the models keep tripping on the runway?\n\n\n\n\nThey were showing off the fall lineup. Badumtss",
        "id": "5tf3zt",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "Models"
    },
    {
        "body": "\n\"Slut\"\n\n\"You don't leave a lot to fantasize about\"\n\n\"Why couldn't you just have worn something under your skirt?\"\n\n\"Dude your balls are visible\"",
        "id": "5tf2xm",
        "score": 345,
        "title": "I'm getting tired of all the sexual comments about my skirt..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Only YOU can prevent florist friars",
        "id": "5tf1fn",
        "score": 47,
        "title": "Never buy flowers from a monk"
    },
    {
        "body": "One Direction's \"best song ever\" is not actually best song ever.",
        "id": "5tf0t8",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "Did you know?"
    },
    {
        "body": "There's an aboriginal man who's been hunting for crabs in the mangroves and he hadn't been having much luck. All of a sudden he spots the biggest juiciest mud crab he's ever laid his eyes on. He throws it in his bucket with a bit of water then throws the bucket In the trunk of his car to go home and cook up his grub! oh boy he was licking his lips thinking of that crab with a bit of melted butter and lemon.\n\nHe's driving. he hears a siren and sees the lights of a police officer insisting he pull over. \n\n\"Here we bloody go\" he's thinking. \n\nSo the copper raps on his window and says \"excuse me sir, are you aware of your car dripping water from the boot?\". \n\n\"ahhh naaa mate... not sure what you're talking about officer\".\n\n\"Sir, please open the trunk\".\n\n\"yeh no worries\".\n\nAnd so this aboriginal man opens the trunk and the officer gasps when he sees the size of the mudcrab.\n\n\"Sir are you aware it's illegal to be fishing for mud crab at this time of the year?\" says the constable. \n\nThe aboriginal fella looked genuinely confused. \n\n\"naaaa brother you got it all wrong. this is my pet crab, Larry. Owned him for years. I was just taking him for a splash down at the mangrove\". \n\n\"yeah bullshit mate! you must think I'm an idiot\"\n\n\"come back to the mangrove. it's not far away and I will prove to you this is my pet\" says the aboriginal while stifling a smile.\n\nThe officer entertains the idea because what harm can it do. they both make their way a short distance to the mangrove edge. the man pulls his pet from the bucket and lowers the crab back into the murky water where it slowly scurried away and disappeared into the mud. And so the aboriginal man slowly stands while dusting off his hands and turns to the officer who's patiently waiting. the officer asks..\n\n\"well mate you said the mud crab would come back to you when you called his name???\"\n\nThe aboriginal man looks the officer in the eyes and with only the slightest twitch in his upper lip says..\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\"WHAT MUD CRAB!!!\" \n\n\n\n",
        "id": "5tezao",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Have you heard the one about the Australian Aboriginal, the copper and the mud crab?"
    },
    {
        "body": "In his little Sleevies.",
        "id": "5teyqc",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Where did Hitler put his little armies?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Whitney Houston has been clean for five years",
        "id": "5teuv0",
        "score": 21,
        "title": "Today marks a very special landmark"
    },
    {
        "body": "Me: spell me\n\nHer: M-E\n\nMe: you forgot the D\n\nHer: there is no D in me\n\nMe: not yet",
        "id": "5tetzc",
        "score": 38,
        "title": "Bad pick up line"
    },
    {
        "body": "He is desperate about his weight situation, all of the sudden he sees an advertisement about losing weight on a tv channel, the woman on the tv shows 3 lose weight  secrets that can be deliver to your house but without knowing what the actual product is, she also mentions to be aware of the third one and that is under your own risk if you get it but definitively the best one to lose weight. \n\nKind of confused the man calls and buys package #1\nHe waits and within 30 min someone knocks at the door, the fat man barely makes it and opens the door, to his surprise there is a female wearing bikini and a poster that says \" if you catch me I am yours\" the fat man without thinking starts running anxiously trying to catch the hot women in bikini, after 25 min running  he is unable to catch the hot woman but when coming back home he realizes he lost 10 pounds. \n\nThe man is so happy he now calls to buy package #2, he waits 1 hour and suddenly someone knocks at the door, the man runs to the door and when he opens it this time there is a very hot naked woman with a poster that says \" if you catch me I am yours\" the man starts the chase and when finally not able to reach the naked woman he returns home, but this time he lost 20 pounds. \n\nThe fat man is so happy, not only he has lost 30 pounds in the same day but also he met two of the most wonderful women in his life.He is so eager to buy package #3 that he forgets the caution about buying this package, he calls and buys package #3,this time he really wants to catch the next thing it shows up at his door, he takes a shower,  puts some comfortable pants, running shoes, and cologne. After waiting 2 hours, someone knocks really damn hard at his door, the fat man runs to the door and when opening the door, there is a big black brawny man, with his pants down and a poster that says \" If I catch you, you are mine\".",
        "id": "5tetg3",
        "score": 25,
        "title": "A fat man is watching television"
    },
    {
        "body": " A square root.",
        "id": "5teoy4",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "What do you call two Australian math nerds having sex?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A police officer pulls an elderly couple over. The old man is driving.\n\nOfficer: I pulled you over for speeding.\n\nOld man: I wasn't speeding, you must have the wrong guy.\n\nOld lady: You were going 80 miles per hour, don't lie to the good officer.\n\nOld man: Shut your goddamn mouth you old bitch!\n\nOfficer: I also noticed that you aren't wearing a seat belt.\n\nOld man: I was wearing a seat belt but took it off when you pulled me over.\n\nOld lady: You haven't worn a seat belt in the 60 years I've known you. Stop lying to the good officer.\n\nOld man: Bitch, I told you to keep your damned mouth shut!\n\nOfficer: Ma'am, does he always talk to you this way?\n\nOld lady: Only when he's drunk.",
        "id": "5tenai",
        "score": 85,
        "title": "Police officer pulls an elderly couple over."
    },
    {
        "body": "And He replied, \"So you will love them\"\n\nThe man continued, \"But why did you make them so stupid?\"\n\nHe replied, \"So they will love you\"\n",
        "id": "5temvr",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "A man asked God \"why did you make women so beautiful\"?"
    },
    {
        "body": "\"Let's about having sex with a cat?\" says the zoophile.\n\n\"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it,\" says the sadist.\n\n\"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, and then kill it,\" shouts the murderer.\n\n\"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then fuck it again,\" says the necrophile.\n\n\"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, fuck it again and then burn it,\" says the pyromaniac.\n\nSilence took over, and then the masochist says: \"Meow.\"",
        "id": "5tejsl",
        "score": 24,
        "title": "A zoophile, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a masochist are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds."
    },
    {
        "body": " and pulled himself slowly and painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. \n\nThe waitress asked kindly, \"Crushed nuts?\" \n\n\"No, he replied, \"Arthritis.\"",
        "id": "5tejnz",
        "score": 8,
        "title": "A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour"
    },
    {
        "body": "George Sinkton and the P-Trap All Stars.",
        "id": "5tejia",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "What do you call a funk band composed of only plumbers?"
    },
    {
        "body": "\nI just need a little something to take the edge off.",
        "id": "5tejel",
        "score": 17,
        "title": "I'm not addicted to sandpaper..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Father Joseph had spent the last few months holed up in the Vatican library, trying to unlock the secrets of Christianity by reading all the old scrolls / books available. Day and night he toiled away in his self-administered solitary confinement. Months passed this way, till the Pope started worrying about him. He sent a young priest to check up on him.\n\nThe priest made his way to the library, climbing down level after level, searching for the ever elusive Joseph. Finally, in the deepest level, he heard whimpers and cries. Concerned, he rushed into the room, and in the corner was Father Joseph, head between his hands, crying. \n\n\"Father, are you alright? What happened?\" inquired the priest.\n\nJoseph looked up, tears streaming down his cheek, and said \"They said Celebrate...CELEBRATE!\" ",
        "id": "5teih2",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "We read it wrong!"
    },
    {
        "body": "R.I.P. Isaac Newton",
        "id": "5teidn",
        "score": 179,
        "title": "Did you hear that Apple Guy died?"
    },
    {
        "body": "\"Sally, what does your daddy do?\"\n\"My daddy is a lawyer!\" She says, proudly\n\"Jane, what does your daddy do?\"\n\"My daddy is a doctor\" She exclaims\n\nThis go on until she gets to Frankie\n\n\"Frankie, what does your daddy do for a living?\"\n\nFrankie hangs his head and in a small, timid voice he says\n\n\"My daddy works in a bar. He dances for other men. Sometimes, if the money is good, he'll go into the back alley and have sex with them\"\n\nThe teacher is shocked. She gets the other students distracted doing other things and takes Frankie into a quiet corner.\n\n\"Frankie! Why would you say something like that?!?\"\n\nFrankie looks up at her and says\n\n\"I'm sorry! He doesn't! It's just that he plays for the Leafs and I was too ashamed to say!!\"\n\n(Insert any other hockey/sport team in the punchline)",
        "id": "5tehx6",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "In class one day, a teacher asks her young students what their dads do for a living NSFW"
    },
    {
        "body": "Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms \u2013 so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, \"I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!\" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, \"That's funny \u2013 I dreamed I was skiing!\"",
        "id": "5tehfh",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "Three guys go to a ski lodge..."
    },
    {
        "body": "A man was contemplating suicide on a bridge when he looked down and saw a little man with no arms dancing. This cheered him up and made him change his mind about suicide. \n\nWhen he got down off the bridge he approached the little man to thank him. \"Thank you, I was going to jump off the bridge until I noticed you dancing. If you can find the good in life even with no arms, I can do the same\"\n\n\n\"Dancing?\" Said the little man. \"I wasn't dancing, me arse is itchy and I can't scratch it!\"",
        "id": "5teh6g",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "A man was contemplating suicide on a bridge."
    },
    {
        "body": "and asked him to count to ten. The man counted, \"two, four, six, eight, ten.\"\n\nThen they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, \"one, three, five, seven, nine.\"\n\nThe scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten.\n\nThe man said, \"look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you - let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!\"",
        "id": "5teezp",
        "score": 1012,
        "title": "Scientists removed the right half brain of a man"
    },
    {
        "body": "A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.\nThe pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. \n\"Well,\" he said, \"I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's \"the\" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that.\" \n\"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack.\" \nThe young man makes his purchase and leaves. \nLater that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. \nHe asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. \nHe begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. \nThe girl leans over to him and says, \"You never told me that you were such a religious person.\" \nThe boy leans over to her and whispers, \"You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.\"",
        "id": "5tecm6",
        "score": 1191,
        "title": "A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms....."
    },
    {
        "body": "would that be the Mighty VAC's?",
        "id": "5tea8q",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "If Valve had an NHL team..."
    },
    {
        "body": "A little weird, sure, but it's always nice to see some random axe of Kind Ness.",
        "id": "5te9gd",
        "score": 65,
        "title": "Turns out there are TWO Loch Ness Monsters. One of them is quite mean, but the other actually gives away his forestry tools."
    },
    {
        "body": "Joseph Mandelbaum and Benjamin Rosenblatt,  partners in the garment industry, are having their worst season ever. Ten thousand Madras sports coats are hanging on the rack unsold, and bankruptcy is imminent.\n\nOut of the blue, in walks a buyer from Australia looking for Madras sports jackets.\n\n\"Would you guys have any for sale?\" asks the Australian, \"I have been looking for them\neverywhere.\"\n\nAfter a brief pause to catch his breath, Joseph admits that there might be a few left. Soon a deal is concluded for ten thousand jackets, to be shipped to Australia at a handsome profit.\n\n\"There is one thing;\" says the buyer, \"for this large order I need to get confirmation from my home office. There should be no problem, so unless I send you a cable by the end of the week, the deal is on.\"\n\nThe week creeps by, with the partners anxiously waiting to see if the Australian will change his mind.\nAt ten minutes to five on Friday, Benjamin is closing up the shop when there is a knock at the door and a voice shouts, \"Telegram!\"\n\nThe partners freeze. Trembling, Joseph grabs the cable and opens it. Suddenly his face lights up.\n\"Bennie! Great news! Your wife just died!\"",
        "id": "5te7dl",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Indian business"
    },
    {
        "body": "Very Little.",
        "id": "5te6w2",
        "score": 44,
        "title": "You know what I like about midgets?"
    },
    {
        "body": "An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.\n",
        "id": "5te6of",
        "score": 19,
        "title": "I lost my watch at a party once..."
    },
    {
        "body": "He always eats elfy snacks.",
        "id": "5te5az",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "Why is Legolas so fit?"
    },
    {
        "body": "But I do nausea problem with it. ",
        "id": "5te3ud",
        "score": 11,
        "title": "My wife doesn't like vomit jokes."
    },
    {
        "body": "It is way too soggy.",
        "id": "5te3mq",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Why do people boil pasta in water?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Technotonic plates. ",
        "id": "5te3fh",
        "score": 23,
        "title": "What do you call huge dancing rocks?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A Chinese guy sits down next to me. I ask him \"hey, do you know karate or some other martial art\"?  He says \"why, because I'm Asian\"? I said \"no,  because you're drinking my beer\".",
        "id": "5te37f",
        "score": 55,
        "title": "I went to my favorite bar last night."
    },
    {
        "body": "The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.\n\n\"Nope, no laundry,\" the boy said, \"I'm going to wash my dog.\"\n\n\"But, you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.\"\n\nBut, the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.\n\nAbout a week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. \n\nThe grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.\n\n\"Oh, he died.\" the boy said.\n\nThe grocer, trying not to be an \"I-told-you-so\" said he was sorry the dog died, but added, \"I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.\"\n\n\"Well, the boy replied, \"I don't think it was the detergent that killed him.\"\n\n\"Oh? What was it then?\"\n\n\"I think it was the spin cycle.\"",
        "id": "5te2ya",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner grocery picking out a large size box of laundry detergent..."
    },
    {
        "body": "The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up  the babies. \n\nThe Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.\n\nThe Indian says \"Are you sure that's your baby?\"\n\nThe Scot says \"No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby.\"",
        "id": "5te16q",
        "score": 1530,
        "title": "A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room."
    },
    {
        "body": "Lipstick",
        "id": "5tdz3o",
        "score": 152,
        "title": "What's the only acceptable thing for a Scotsman to wear under his kilt?"
    },
    {
        "body": "An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. \nHe put a sign up outside that said: \"Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured get back $1,000.\"\nDoctor \"Young,\" who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. \nHe went to Dr. Geezer's clinic and this is what happened.\nDr. Young: \"Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me? \nDr. Geezer: \"Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth.\" \nDr. Young: \"Aaagh! This is Gasoline!\" \nDr. Geezer: \"Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500.\"\nDr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. \nDr Young: \"I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.\" \nDr. Geezer: \"Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.\" \nDoctor Young: \"Oh no you don't, that's Gasoline!\" \nDr. Geezer: \"Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500.\"\nDr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. \nDr. Young: \"My eyesight has become weak I can hardly see!\" \nDr. Geezer: \"Well, I don't have any medicine for that so. Here's your $1000 back.\" \nDr. Young: \"But this is only $500...\" \nDr. Geezer: \"Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.\"\n\nMoral of story: Just because you're \"Young\" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old \"Geezer \"",
        "id": "5tdyni",
        "score": 23,
        "title": "An old geezer, who had been a retired....."
    },
    {
        "body": "A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. \"How do you know that the cat was dead?\" she asked her student. \"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,\" answered the child innocently. \"You did WHAT?!?!?!\" the teacher yelled in shock. \"You know,\" explained the boy, \"I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move.\"",
        "id": "5tdxlb",
        "score": 773,
        "title": "A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd found a cat..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Why are people with diamond shoes so bad for the environment?\n\nThey have a big carbon footprint...",
        "id": "5tdx1e",
        "score": 138,
        "title": "I came up with a science joke..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Their our know rules!",
        "id": "5tdwm4",
        "score": 1727,
        "title": "Rule #1 for learning english"
    },
    {
        "body": "Why did the chicken cross the road? \"To get to the other side\" Nope to get to the idiots house. \"Oh\"  knock knock \"who's there?\" The chicken.",
        "id": "5tdwk4",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A little boy goes to his dad and asks, \"What is politics?\"\n\n Dad says, \"Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I\u2019m the breadwinner of the family, so let\u2019s call me capitalism. \nYour Mom, she\u2019s the administrator of the money, so we\u2019ll call her the Government. \nWe\u2019re here to take care of your needs, so we\u2019ll call you the people. \nThe nanny, we\u2019ll consider her the Working Class. \nAnd your baby brother, we\u2019ll call him the Future. \nNow, think about that and see if that makes sense,\" \n\nSo the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents\u2019 room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny\u2019s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. \n\nThe next morning, the little boy says to his father, \"Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now.\" The father says, \"Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.\" The little boy replies, \"Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.\"",
        "id": "5tdssi",
        "score": 123,
        "title": "What is Politics?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A teacher asked her 4th grade students a question every Thursday afternoon at the end of the day saying if they got it right they would not need to come to school Friday.\n\nThe first week she asks \"how many stars in the galaxy?\" No students had the answer.\n\nThe next week she asks\"how many grains of sand are there on the beaches in Florida?\" Nobody had an answer. \n\nThe kids were getting frustrated, and little Billy told them \"don't worry, I have an idea.\"\n\nBilly came to school Thursday with 2 billiard balls that were painted black. As the teacher stands up to ask her question at the end of the day, Billy rolls the balls down towards the front of the room.\n\nThe billiard balls crash against her desk and the students laugh. The teacher shouts \"ok! Who is the comedian with the black balls!?\"\n\nBilly jumps from his seat, strolls toward the door and says \"Kevin Hart. See you on Monday!\"",
        "id": "5tdsmb",
        "score": 40,
        "title": "A teacher asked her students..."
    },
    {
        "body": "\nIt's useless though. It just keeps telling me to go my own way.",
        "id": "5tdpwx",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "I bought a Fleetwood Mac GPS for my car."
    },
    {
        "body": "A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he\u2019s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, \u201cExcuse me, can you tell me where I am?\u201d\nThe man below says: \u201cYes. You\u2019re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.\u201d\n\u201cYou must work in Information Technology,\u201d says the balloonist.\n\u201cI do\u201d replies the man. \u201cHow did you know?\u201d\n\u201cWell,\u201d says the balloonist, \u201ceverything you have told me is technically correct, but It\u2019s of no use to anyone.\u201d\nThe man below replies, \u201cYou must work in management.\u201d\n\u201cI do,\u201d replies the balloonist, \u201cBut how\u2019d you know?\u201d*\n\u201cWell\u201d, says the man, \u201cyou don\u2019t know where you are or where you\u2019re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You\u2019re in the same position you were before we met, but now it\u2019s my fault.\u201d",
        "id": "5tdptj",
        "score": 16,
        "title": "A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he\u2019s lost."
    },
    {
        "body": "A gummy bear",
        "id": "5tdpho",
        "score": 11,
        "title": "What do you call a bear with no teeth"
    },
    {
        "body": "...are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.\nThe brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'\nThe blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'\nThe Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'\nThe Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'",
        "id": "5tdn2x",
        "score": 19993,
        "title": "An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette..."
    },
    {
        "body": "In comes a miner, the doctor tells him to undress and peel back the skin of his penis.\n\n\"What's that bubblegum doing there\", asked the doctor.\n\n\"Well, the mines are all sooty and dusty and that's the only clean place down there.\"\n\n\"What's with the second piece of bubble gum next to it?\"\n\n\"Oh, that one's Ahmed's, he has nowhere to put it.\"",
        "id": "5tdjwl",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "A profilactic check-up with the dermatologist at a coal mine."
    },
    {
        "body": "they all appear at the gates of hell and are greeted by satan himself\n\nsatan says to the first man \"whats your favorite thing in the world?\"\n\nthe man says \"i love getting drunk just shit faced all the time\"\n\nsatan opens a door and inside is every alcoholic drink you can imagine\n\nthe man walks in drooling at what he sees \n\nsatan says \"see you in 1000 years\" and locks the door behind him\n\nsatan says to the second man \"whats your favorite thing in the world?\"\n\nthe man says \"i love getting pussy man i live to fuck dude\"\n\nsatan opens a door and inside is the most beautiful women he could imagine\"\n\nhe runs in full sprint and satan says \"see ya in a 1000 years\" and locks the door\n\nsatan walks up to the last man and says \"how bout you?\"\n\nthe man says \"i love smoking weed man, i haven't been sober since i was 10\"\n\nsatan opens a door and inside is every strain of cannabis in the world and a few strains specific to hell\"\n\nthe man walks in slowly \n\nsatan says you already know\" and locks the door\n\n1000 yars pass and satan checks up on the 3 guys\n\nthe first guy is laying in a puddle of his own puke with broken bottles everywhere\n\nthe second man runs out screaming \"im gay im gay!\"\n\nthe last man satan was shocked by\n\nthe 3rd man is laying in the fetal position silent\n\nsatan says \"are you ok?\"\n\nand the man with a single tear in his eye looks up to satan and says \"hey man... you got a light?\"",
        "id": "5tdilw",
        "score": 299,
        "title": "3 guys die in a car crash and go to hell"
    },
    {
        "body": "Tony the Tiger, Snap, Crackle and Pop all got killed too. \n\nPolice think its the work of a serial killer. ",
        "id": "5tdief",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "Did you hear the Coco Pops monkey was recently murdered?"
    },
    {
        "body": "But to be honest I think you need 9",
        "id": "5tdi7t",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "A doctor once told me that it's important to get 8 hours of beauty sleep per day"
    },
    {
        "body": "A Person Centred counsellor, a Gestalt therapist and a CBT practitioner are all travelling back from a conference together in a car when they slip on some ice, the car crashes down a hill and they all die.\n\nAs there\u2019s no such thing as God, they awake at the gates of Hell. Already the smell of brimstone and black smoke assault their senses and they can\u2019t see more than a few feet in front of them.\n\nA shape moves though the smoke towards them and as it clears they see Satan towering over them with a wild manic grin and all three men are gripped by terror.\n\nFirst Satan walks over the Person Centred counsellor and speaks in a booming voice \u201cWelcome to hell mortal. How does it feel to know you are now a slave in my kingdom for all eternity?\u201d\n\nBeing a good counsellor he immediately communicates the core conditions and replies \u201cI really value your interest in me but I\u2019m wondering if we should focus on you. I had the sense you\u2019re trying to keep me at a distance and that\u2019s okay\u201d\n\nSatan is a little stunned by this answer and decides to have the poor man dragged away by demons to see if hot pokers can get a more sensible answer from him and he moves on to the gestalt therapist, standing over the man still sat on the ground.\n\nOnce again he speaks in his booming voice \u201cWelcome to hell mortal. How does it feel to know you are now a slave in my kingdom for all eternity?\u201d\n\nThe gestalt counsellor seems to be deep in thought for a moment and then begins to speak \u201cI have a strong awareness of something in my lungs and I\u2019m not sure where that\u2019s coming from. It may be the toxic fumes or perhaps some unfinished business being triggered from my relationship with my father\u2026 And of course there a really warm sensation in my ass and that\u2019s really interesting because\u2026.\u201d\n\nSatan cuts off this rambling speech and signals for the demons to drag him away too with a wave of his hand, a weary sigh and an exasperated look. Finally he moves on the CBT practitioner and stands over him and trying to look as scary as he can.\n\nAgain he asks \u201cWelcome to hell mortal. How does it feel to know you are now a slave in my kingdom for all eternity?\u201d\n\nThe CBT practitioner knows that it doesn\u2019t matter what happens to him, it\u2019s all about how he reacts to things. He may have died, awoken in hell and seen his two friends dragged away by demons but so long as he can maintain positive thoughts then not even these things can upset him.\n\nHe looks up at the intimidating figure before him and simply replies, \u201cOh it\u2019s fine. I\u2019m not really here\u201d",
        "id": "5tdhag",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Three counsellors die and go to Hell... [OC]"
    },
    {
        "body": "I don't know, I'm just the president.",
        "id": "5tdgaj",
        "score": 45,
        "title": "What's the difference between sarcasm and lying?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Father: \u201cYes?\u201c\n\nSon: \u201cCould you stop doing that?\u201c",
        "id": "5tdfqk",
        "score": 12,
        "title": "Son: \u201cDad, I have a question regarding sex with my underage girlfriend.\u201c"
    },
    {
        "body": "Because it makes more sense to fire blanks than shoot at a bulletproof vest.\n\nRecent discoveries will make this joke obsolete, thought I'd give it one more run.",
        "id": "5tdeo5",
        "score": 14,
        "title": "They should make birth control for men"
    },
    {
        "body": "You're completely out as soon as your ass leaps.",
        "id": "5tdeo0",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "People say that counting sheep jumping over a fence makes you to to sleep. However, Donkeys are much more effective..."
    },
    {
        "body": "That explains why I like women with big breasts.",
        "id": "5tdefd",
        "score": 19,
        "title": "They say you're attracted to people that look like you."
    },
    {
        "body": "While we were all sat at the table, there was complete silence. It made me feel very uncomfortable.\n\nI said, \"Why does it feel like there's an elephant in the room?\"\n\n\"Because there is,\" said my dad, looking at the girl.",
        "id": "5tde3c",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "I invited the girl I'm dating over for dinner."
    },
    {
        "body": "I know because I've checked 300 times",
        "id": "5tddqo",
        "score": 23,
        "title": "I don't have OCD..."
    },
    {
        "body": "So you could just cut it off and get a new one",
        "id": "5tdd8o",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "I wish life was like a hairstyle"
    },
    {
        "body": "Angus McCoatup",
        "id": "5tdbti",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "What do you call a Scotsman who works in a cloakroom?"
    },
    {
        "body": "They see 5 people in there, 2 pair of couples and a stag.  One of the couple is a Gothic couple and a Nerdy Couple.\n\n\nThe Matchmaker talks to the Gothic couple and says to the couple \"You're gonna laid tonight.\"\n\n\nThe Gothic couple replies \"How would you know that?\"\n\n\nThe Matchmakers states that its because they feel that are emotionally strong for each other.\n\n\nThe Matchmaker then goes to the nerdy couple and says \"You're gonna get laid tonight.\"\n\n\nThe nerdy couple ask \"Why?\"\n\n\nThe Matchmaker says its because they are mentally strong for each other.\n\n\nFinally the Matchmaker goes to the stag and says \"You're gonna get laid tonight.\"\n\n\nThe man replies \"Really?  How do you know?\"\n\n\nThe matchmaker replies \"Because I am physically stronger than you.\"",
        "id": "5tdbqi",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "A Matchmaker walks into a bar..."
    },
    {
        "body": "So women too can know what it is to live with an irritated cunt.  ",
        "id": "5td98c",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Why did God create vaginal mycose?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Wooden tit ",
        "id": "5td8zy",
        "score": 1546,
        "title": "A women got a wooden breast implant yesterday.... it would be a funny joke if this had a punch line..."
    },
    {
        "body": "With a COWculator...\n\nBut, what if they all have babies?\n\nThen he MOOtiplies them!\n\nMan, I'm really milking these puns for more than they're worth...",
        "id": "5td60n",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "How does a farmer count his cows?"
    },
    {
        "body": "\"It's not you I'm worried about,  it's the other guys.\" Which is wrong.... Guys aren't the only problem. *pulls down visor mirror and applies eyeshadow, and lipstick while simultaneously posting to snapchat.*",
        "id": "5td4cm",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "When I first got my licence my mother always told me..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Man... I love Netflix!",
        "id": "5td3ek",
        "score": 23,
        "title": "My new personal trainer encouraged me to do do fifteen push-ups every commercial break on TV"
    },
    {
        "body": "and the car I bought from them doesn't have windows.",
        "id": "5td393",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Apple likes to leave things out of their products. The phone I bough from them doesn't have a headphone jack..."
    },
    {
        "body": "..there was a jam",
        "id": "5td359",
        "score": 8,
        "title": "Peanut butter was driving his toast when suddenly..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Crust",
        "id": "5td2c4",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "What tastes good on pizza but not on pussy?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Me: Who was it?\n\nDad: I think her first name was Reese\n\nMe: Witherspoon?\n\nDad: No it was with a knife",
        "id": "5td12o",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Did you hear about that female celebrity who was murdered?"
    },
    {
        "body": "*robbed*",
        "id": "5tczov",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "A man named Rob got his identity stolen. I guess you could say he got..."
    },
    {
        "body": "It's a huge weight off my shoulders",
        "id": "5tczhk",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "I just got done doing squats and I gotta say..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Wanna hear migrate idea?",
        "id": "5tcwjm",
        "score": 46,
        "title": "What did the goose say when he found out about flying south?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Police are looking for a small medium at large.",
        "id": "5tcvyg",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Did you hear about the midget clairvoyant who escaped from prison the other day?"
    },
    {
        "body": "And you'll keep him warm for a night.\n\nSet a man on fire, and you keep him warm for the rest of his life.",
        "id": "5tcu0p",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "Set a fire for a man,"
    },
    {
        "body": "Just one, unless it's a black light.",
        "id": "5tctyx",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb"
    },
    {
        "body": "Not unless they're Welsh",
        "id": "5tcs8b",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "do androids dream of electric sheep?"
    },
    {
        "body": "It was No Minor Feet.",
        "id": "5tcrbk",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "After a lengthy debate, congress finally passed a law banning pedophiles from children's shoe stores."
    },
    {
        "body": "In the sea of reposts.",
        "id": "5tcraq",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Where does a redditor drown?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A lawyer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to him and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains \"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa.\" Again, he politely declines and tries to get some sleep. \n\nThe lawyer, now some what agitated, says, \"Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!\" figuring that he will easily win the match. This catches the engineer's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless he plays, agrees to the game. \n\nThe lawyer asks the first question. \"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?\" The engineer doesn't say a word, reaches in to his pocket, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the lawyer: \"What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?\" The lawyer looks at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his coworkers and friends. All to no avail. \n\nAfter over an hour, he wakes the engineer and hands him $50. The engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the engineer and asks, \"Well, so what IS the answer!?\" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep",
        "id": "5tcqyp",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "The Lawyer and the Engineer"
    },
    {
        "body": "Just ice",
        "id": "5tcqxa",
        "score": 55,
        "title": "What does Batman take with his alcohol?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A young man is flying over the oceans with a small plane, until suddenly his engine fails. There is no way for him to stear back to the mainland and so he crashes on a small unknown island. \n\nHe managed to survive the crash and decides to walk around in the forest to look for food. After some time in the forest, SNAP, he activates a trap and is now hanging upside down in a tree. \n\nA small group of tribe members cut him down and take him to the tribe leader that only speaks the sentence \"Ooly Booly, or chop your head\", without a single doubt the young man yells \"please Ooly Booly\" and gets mounted from behind by one of the tribe members.\n\nWith slight pain and a lot of regret he is released in the forest. Completely dissorrientated he runs away in a random direction  and again, SNAP he is hanging upside down.\n\nDragged in front of the chief he hears again \"Ooly Booly, or chop your head\". But this time there is 3 natives standing next to the chieften licking their tongues. Knowing what is about to happen but no other acceptable option he says \"Ooly Booly\" and turn for turn the 3 tribe members have a go at him. \n\nHardly able to walk and completely humiliated he pushes himself through to forest trying to avoid any traps. Seeing the sea come closer, he feels that this time he will make it, but.. SNAP, again upside down. \n\nThis time hearing the words \"Ooly Booly or chop your head\" and seeing a group of 10 natives licking their tongues, he knows he is done for. So he gathers enough courage to mumble the words \"chop my head\" to which the chief replays \"sure.. but first Ooly Booly!\"",
        "id": "5tcqmo",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Ooly Booly"
    },
    {
        "body": "The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, \"Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?\" The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather asks again, \"Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?\" \n\nThe attorney interrupts, \"Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.\" \n\nThe Godfather says, \"Well, ask him where the @#!* money is.\" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, \"I don't know what you're talking about.\" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, \"He doesn't know what you're talking about.\" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, \"Ask him again where the @#!* money is!\" \n\nThe attorney signs to the accountant, \"He wants to know where it is!\" The accountant signs back, \"Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!\" The Godfather says, \"Well, what did he say?\" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, \"He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger.\"",
        "id": "5tcq1e",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "The Godfather and his Attorney"
    },
    {
        "body": "A man was visiting his worldly uncle on his farm, when a pig in a wheeled cart trotted past him, missing its two hind legs. He leaned over to his uncle and asked \"Uncle, what happened to that pig in the wheelchair?\"\n\nThe uncle takes a deep draw of his pipe and points to the pig. \"I owe that pig my life, my wealth and the love of my beloved wife.\"\n\n\"All that?\"\n\n\"I reckon, yes. See, years ago when I got the pig, I was planning to roast it whole. But, I got a little drunk and fell asleep, bout that time a wire went bad in the walls and the house caught fire! That pig though, it was so damn smart it managed to drag me to safety until help arrived.\"\n\n\"That's incredible!\"\n\n\"A few days later, I was still trying to recover my belongings from the fire when the pig nosed up an old chest that'd been hidden under my floorboards! Wouldn't you know it, the thing was un-liftably filled with silver treasures. I had it all into a vault in the bank within the day and never needed to worry on expenses ever again.\"\n\n\"The blind luck!\"\n\n\"Oh yes, but see, while I was busy counting those many silver pieces, a single gold ring tumbled out of the pile and the pig picked it up with it's teeth and took off running down the street! I had to run to catch up with it for several blocks, I finally caught up and kneeled down to fetch the ring from it's mouth when I looked up and saw the most gorgeous woman I'd ever seen. She thought I was proposing! We had a grand laugh about it over lunch, and almost a month later I proposed to her for real, with that very ring. Yes sir, that pig has been my most loyal companion for years now.\"\n\n\"This is all so overwhelming, all this from a pig with just two legs?\"\n\n\"Oh, no, it had more, just didn't seem right to eat it all at once.\"",
        "id": "5tcpwf",
        "score": 13,
        "title": "The Greatest Pig..."
    },
    {
        "body": "A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. \n\nIn the defense\u2019s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. \n\n\"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,\" the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. \"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.\" \n\nHe looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. \n\nFinally the lawyer said, \"Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.\" \n\nThe jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. \n\n\"But how?\" inquired the lawyer. \"You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.\n\nThe jury foreman answered: \"Oh, we looked. But your client didn\u2019t.\"",
        "id": "5tcpto",
        "score": 280,
        "title": "Reasonable Doubt"
    },
    {
        "body": "Give a fish a man and he'll eat for a year.",
        "id": "5tcps7",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day."
    },
    {
        "body": "My Iraqi friend found a silver lining on the Muslim travel ban. He said \"at least my mother-in-law can't come and visit.\" Well, at least he found something to laugh about XD ",
        "id": "5tcp9w",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "My Iraqi friend found a silver lining on the Muslim travel ban"
    },
    {
        "body": "Time an' a Turd.",
        "id": "5tcoz7",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "What do Irish plumbers earn for overtime?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Just kidding he was born there and never left",
        "id": "5tco8d",
        "score": 16,
        "title": "An Irishman walks into a bar..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Two punjabi neighbours are arguing over whose fence is better. One says, \"Your fence isn't even waterproof. You didn't picket correctly\". The other slaps the first. Enraged the first shouts, \"How dare you. What gave you the right to slap me.\"  The second neighbour replies, \"It's not my right, it's my state. It's my Pun-job\". ",
        "id": "5tcncr",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "My apologies."
    },
    {
        "body": "when suddenly realised i needed to fart. The music was really loud, so i timed my farts with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, i started to feel better. I finished my beer and noticed that many people were staring at me. I Then suddenly remembered i had been listening to my iPod",
        "id": "5tcmta",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "I was in a bar yesterday..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Oops, wrong sub. ",
        "id": "5tclrl",
        "score": 8,
        "title": "Is this the bus for dyslexic kids?"
    },
    {
        "body": "OK?",
        "id": "5tckxh",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "I'm gonna tell you an oxygen and potassium joke,"
    },
    {
        "body": "Another man noticing him and asks:\n\"Umm, sir? Do you realize you have a pineapple on your head?\"\n\"Well... yeah\", he says.\n-\"But... why?\"\n-\"Dude! I wears pineapple on my head every Tuesday!\"\n-\"But... today is Wednesday...\"\n\nThe man quickly removes the pineapple from his head and yells: \"Oh god, i feel so stupid!\"\n",
        "id": "5tcjj4",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "A man walks down the street wearing a pineapple on his head"
    },
    {
        "body": "To get to the other suicide",
        "id": "5tchsh",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "Why did the mortician cross the road?"
    },
    {
        "body": "An old fisherman and his wife settle down and decide to have some kids. The wife ends up giving birth to twins, both boys. Eventually as the babies grow the couple notice that the two never face the same way. Wherever one of them looks the other is always facing the opposite direction, no matter what they do. The couple decide to name them Toward and Away.\n\nThe kids grow and have a happy childhood despite this strange behavior and when they turn 10 years old their father decides he wants to teach them to learn how to be fishermen like him. He teaches them all the tools of the trade, the right knots to tie, the proper way to care for the equipment, how to steer the boat and catch the wind in the sails, and all the other ins and outs of the trade.\n\nOne day the three head out on a fishing trip together. The mother kisses them goodbye, wishes them well, and watches as they sail off. Three week.s go by before the father, and only the father, returns, looking haggard and gaunt.\n\n\"What on Earth happened?!\" exclaims the wife upon his return. \"You were gone for so long that I had almost given up hope. Where are our sons?\"\n\n\"My dear,\" says the man, \"I'm afraid they are dead. I only barely survived myself.\"\n\n\"What happened to you?\" asks the wife.\n\n\"Well, the day we set sail we found a great school of fish and were catching many large fish to bring home. Suddenly an enormous fish, bigger than the boat, lept out of the water and capsized us with the wave that came from it. We were flung into the water where we clung to driftwood to stay afloat. As we tried to get back together the fish breached again, swallowing Toward in its great jaws.\"\n\n\"Oh, my, that's terrible!\"\n\n\"It is, but you should have seen the one that got Away!\"",
        "id": "5tchrw",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "A woman gives birth to twins"
    },
    {
        "body": "So it would get charged with murder.",
        "id": "5tchln",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "Why did the robot kill someone with its empty battery?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an \"I\".\n\nStudent: I is the....\n\nTeacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an \"I\". Always put 'am' after an \"I\".\n\nStudent: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.",
        "id": "5tcget",
        "score": 16,
        "title": "The English Teacher in India"
    },
    {
        "body": "Are you really that stupid? Oranges can't talk.",
        "id": "5tcg9n",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What Did The Orange Say To The Apple"
    },
    {
        "body": "One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean. ",
        "id": "5tcg1b",
        "score": 32,
        "title": "What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Because it is the scenter!",
        "id": "5tcg13",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "Why is your nose in the middle of your face?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A few dozen strategically placed warheads should do the trick.",
        "id": "5tcf5d",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Wanna know how to brighten the day of everyone on Earth?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I am a little girl,\n\nI have a little thing\n\nThat when I go to bed,\n\nI put my finger in.\n\nNow I'm much older,\n\nMy thing had lost its charm\n\nAnd now it takes 5 fingers,\n\nAnd half my fucking arm.",
        "id": "5tcewp",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "A poem."
    },
    {
        "body": "Guess you can say I'm SATisfied.",
        "id": "5tce5j",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "So I bought a new chair today"
    },
    {
        "body": "\"If I wasn't so distracted by taking over the world I could have killed so many more jews.\"",
        "id": "5tcdhe",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "What went through Hitler's mind before he died?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A Roamin' Catholic.",
        "id": "5tcdbm",
        "score": 35,
        "title": "What do you call the Pope when he is sleepwalking?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Two couples are playing cards at the table, and someone accidentally knocks them to the floor.  One of the men goes under the table to pick up the cards, and as he looks up he can see up his friend's wife's dress and that she isn't wearing any underwear.\n\nBlushing coming up from the table, he sets the cards down and they continue to play.  A little while later while going to get a drink from the fridge, the other wife approaches him and asks, \"When you were looking for the cards, did you find anything to your liking?\"\n\nAwkwardly, he replies, \"Actually yes, I did.\"\n\n\"If you'd like some more, show up tomorrow at 1 pm and bring 100$.  You can like it a little more then.\", she whispers to him.\n\nHe kindly agrees and the next day he shows up at 1 pm with 100$.  He hands her the money and they proceed to have at each other, in every conceivable way, for several hours.  After the deed is done, he leaves the house.\n\nHolding the money in her hand, the phone rings 10 minutes later.  It's her husband, \"Hey, did Mike come by today at around 1 pm?\"\n\nAshamed and a little frightened, she says, \"Uh, yes he did.\"\n\n\"Did he happen to give you 100$?\", he replies promptly.\n\nHer heart sinks, \"Y-y-yes, he did.\"\n\n\"Ah, ok.  Good.  He came by earlier and asked to borrow 100$.  He said he'd drop it off at the house today at 1 pm\"",
        "id": "5tcd6v",
        "score": 564,
        "title": "Two couples are playing cards at the table, and someone accidentally knocks them to the floor.."
    },
    {
        "body": "3 drunk guys enter a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk, so he starts the engine and turns it off again. \n\nThen said, \"we have reached your destination\". \n\nThe 1st guy gives him the money and the 2nd guy says \"Thank you\". \n\nThe 3rd guy slaps the driver. The driver is shocked, thinking the 3rd drunkard knew what he did. \n\nBut then he asks \"what was that for?\" The 3rd guy replies, \" Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us! ",
        "id": "5tcd5s",
        "score": 16,
        "title": "3 drunk guys enter a taxi"
    },
    {
        "body": "A dustpan",
        "id": "5tc9hn",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What is the best method of transportation for Jews?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A que-nein.",
        "id": "5tc7z0",
        "score": 234,
        "title": "What do you get when you crossbreed a Chihuahua with a German Shepherd?"
    },
    {
        "body": "He said \"That's a really long time. You should really use Prime next time\".",
        "id": "5tc7sa",
        "score": 142,
        "title": "I told my husband there are 100 days until our baby's delivery"
    },
    {
        "body": "They're suck kochs.",
        "id": "5tc7oy",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "I hate German chefs"
    },
    {
        "body": "Amputees anonymous",
        "id": "5tc5j9",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "What is the sound of one hand clapping?"
    },
    {
        "body": "One day, a man was sitting at home with a beer in hand when he read about a pun competition being held downtown. He got up early the next morning and came up with the best puns he had ever seen, and entered his 10 best puns hoping he would win, but unfortunately no pun in 10 did.",
        "id": "5tc4b7",
        "score": 47,
        "title": "Pun competition"
    },
    {
        "body": "a BORDER collie!",
        "id": "5tc2ss",
        "score": 11,
        "title": "What's Donald Trumps favorite kind of dog?"
    },
    {
        "body": "ET learned English and wanted to go home.",
        "id": "5tc2qz",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Whats the difference between ET and an illegal alien?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Well, one of them does. ",
        "id": "5tc1dk",
        "score": 50,
        "title": "My girlfriend has a lot of trust issues."
    },
    {
        "body": "The bartender asks the man what he wants.\n\nThe man says, \u201cOh, just a beer.\"\n\nThe bartender asked the man, \u201cWhat's wrong, why are you so down today?\u201d\n\nThe man said, \u201cMy wife and I got into a fight and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month.\u201d\n\nThe bartender said, \u201cSo what's wrong with that?\u201d\n\nThe man said, \u201cWell, the month is up tonight.\u201d",
        "id": "5tc19k",
        "score": 34,
        "title": "One night, a man walks into a bar looking sad..."
    },
    {
        "body": "XXXPlosive",
        "id": "5tc16r",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What do you call Arab porn?"
    },
    {
        "body": "because he nigeru",
        "id": "5tc15c",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Why couldn't the japanese police catch the black man?"
    },
    {
        "body": "The first caller gets through.\n\n\"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?\"\n\n\"Goan!\"\n\n\"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?\"\n\n\"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!\" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.\n\nAfter several more calls they get another man,\n\n\"And what's your word sir?\"\n\n\"Smee!\"\n\n\"Can you use it in a sentence?\"\n\n\"Aye! S'mee again! Go'an fuck yerself!\"",
        "id": "5tc0wu",
        "score": 26,
        "title": "A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet..."
    },
    {
        "body": "My penis is circumcised and 3 inches long",
        "id": "5tc09v",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "Girls call me shortcut"
    },
    {
        "body": "In a stu-stu-studio.",
        "id": "5tbzus",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "Where does Phil Collins record his songs?"
    },
    {
        "body": "July was a very popular month to have babies.",
        "id": "5tbz5z",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Cancer runs in my family."
    },
    {
        "body": "Because it's 2/10.",
        "id": "5tbynw",
        "score": 580,
        "title": "February 10th should be National Fart Day."
    },
    {
        "body": "One's finding Nemo the other one is funding Chemo!",
        "id": "5tby9a",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What's the Difference between Marlin the Fish and Walter White?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Holy shit!!!!",
        "id": "5tby4z",
        "score": 11,
        "title": "A priest has diarrhea"
    },
    {
        "body": "Two. One to screw in the lightbulb and another to hold the peni... LADDER!",
        "id": "5tbwyk",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "How many freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Orange juice.",
        "id": "5tbwgv",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Donald Trump uses a special steroid to stay ahead in the game."
    },
    {
        "body": "Zitler",
        "id": "5tbw9h",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "What do you call a teenage Hitler"
    },
    {
        "body": "... and he goes straight to the bartender. He orders a grasshopper and a screwdriver, and pays with a $100 bill. \n\n\nThe bartender, not thinking much of it, simply gives the man his drinks and his change. The man then drinks both of the beverages.\n\n\nThe man then spots a good friend across the bar, and notices that his friend is with a woman that looked nothing like the friend's wife. The man confronts his friend when he is alone, and the friend says\n\n\n\"Actually, that's my sister. She's visiting town from Pittsburgh.\"\n\n\nThe friend then pulls out his phone and proves this with some family photos and their last few text conversations. The man, realizing he misunderstood the situation, apologizes to his friend and his sibling and walks out of the bar, wishing both of them a good night.\n\n\nThe man walks down the street when he watches two people dressed as apes, three women dressed as clowns, and two kids in a tandem horse costume. The man knows it is Halloween, so this succession of people doesn't phase him or anyone else on the sidewalk.\n\n\nThe man reaches his house and, noting that the lights are off, quietly unlocks the door so as to not wake up his sleeping wife. He slowly tiptoes his way up the stairs when he misses a step and stumbles down three stairs. This wakes up his wife, and she walks out of their bedroom and says\n\n\n\"Are you okay sweetie?\"\n\n\n\"Yeah,\" the man says, \"I just stumbled a bit. Sorry I'm late, I ran across Jim at the bar and we had a chat.\"\n\n\n\n\"It's alright, honey. Just get to bed soon, okay? I need you to get Billy to his friend's birthday party tomorrow.\"\n\n\n\"Okay, sweetest.\" Said the man. He doesn't really want to do it, since it means he has to talk with the other kids' parents while he's there, and the man isn't very good at small talk.\n\n\n\nBut he loves his son, so he will do it anyway. The man undresses and lays down on the bed, content with the day he had.",
        "id": "5tbvyi",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "So a man walks into a bar..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Don't eat yellow snow.",
        "id": "5tbvw1",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What's the first thing Eskimos teach their kids?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I'm having trouble controlling my stools.",
        "id": "5tbv7j",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "My stomach hasn't felt well all day, I'm like a bartender during an earthquake..."
    },
    {
        "body": "A homosexual.",
        "id": "5tbur4",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "If a girl sleeps with 100 guys she gets called a slut. What do you call a guy who does the same thing?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Girl Friend, i am not able to install prisma app in my mobile.\n\nBoyfriend: Check your phone storage is full.\n\nGirl Friend: Hhmm, is there any alternative of this app?\n\nBoy Friend: Yes, Take Selfie Without Make up",
        "id": "5tbuoi",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Boyfriend suggesting For Prisma"
    },
    {
        "body": "good thing it was in airplane mode.",
        "id": "5tbuk3",
        "score": 2356,
        "title": "My phone fell from the 20th floor,"
    },
    {
        "body": "why do you use a bra?",
        "id": "5tbuad",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "When life gives you lemons..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Sometimes, when I'm sure people can only see the back of my head, I enjoy sneaking in a quick catnap at work. They never last too long though, invariably someone rings the bell telling me they want to get off my bus.",
        "id": "5tbsiz",
        "score": 8,
        "title": "Napping at work"
    },
    {
        "body": "Suddenlly the first one states: \"I'm hungry, I'm going to grab a bite to eat\" and he flies off.\n\nHalf an hour later he returns with a huge smile on his face and blood on his chin.\n\nThe other bat asks: \"Did you get your fill?\"\n\n\"Oh boy did i ever. Do you see that red roofed barn way over there?\"\n\n\"Ahha\"\n\n\"Well beyond that barn there is a huge herde of cows... an all you can eat bufette\"\n\nSo the second bat gets excited and flies off.\n\n45 minutes latter he returnes with a gloom expression and a face full of blood. \"Do you see that big church tower over there?\" He asks his friend.\n\n\"Yeah, I see it\"\n\n\"Well I sure as hell didn't\"",
        "id": "5tbsae",
        "score": 22,
        "title": "Two vampire bats were hanging arround"
    },
    {
        "body": "He proceeds to bring the house down.",
        "id": "5tbrq8",
        "score": 20,
        "title": "A demolition expert goes on stage during open mic night..."
    },
    {
        "body": "When you showed me a picture of your baby..",
        "id": "5tbq8s",
        "score": 23,
        "title": "I'm sorry I said \"nice phone\""
    },
    {
        "body": "\"At your old age?\" Says the second one as he cuts him off. \"How was it?\" He asks in anticipation\n\n\"Much nicer than the boys\"\n\nEdit: dunno if this translates well enough",
        "id": "5tbq22",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "Two old timers were playing chess in the park. The first one says: \"know what I did yesterday? I went to the girls...\""
    },
    {
        "body": "She sits down on the examining table and tells the Doctor \"I think I am going to die. I hurt all over. I touch my arm and it hurts, I my head and it hurts. I touch my abdomen and it hurts.\"\n\nThe doctor looks at her and says, \"Let me guess that you are naturally blonde.\"\n\n\"Why yes, How did you guess?\"\n\n\"Because you have a broken finger.\" \n",
        "id": "5tbpqy",
        "score": 20,
        "title": "A redhead walks into the Dr. Office....."
    },
    {
        "body": "The island is 10 miles from shore and without any other possible way to leave, the woman decide swimming is the only way off. The redhead goes first, she manages to make it 3 miles before she gets tired and drowns. The brunette then goes after, she makes it farther than the redhead but still finds herself tired and drowns five miles away from shore. Finally, it's the blonde's turn. She makes it five miles before feeling and tired and swims back to the island.",
        "id": "5tbpnm",
        "score": 11,
        "title": "A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on an island..."
    },
    {
        "body": "You ask \"what rights do men have that women don't?\"",
        "id": "5tbnsa",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "How do you destroy a feminist in a debate?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Trump's voices mumble praise of himself, Bannon's shriek racial epithets, and both are silent when Russia Telecom has an outage.",
        "id": "5tbnf5",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "How do you tell apart the voices in Donald Trump's head from the voices in Steve Bannon's?"
    },
    {
        "body": "They never hit anything so there would be no accidents.",
        "id": "5tbm3a",
        "score": 70,
        "title": "We should make all vehicles be driven by Stormtroopers"
    },
    {
        "body": "\"You can use any soap or shampoo that's in the shower. I set a clean towel on the counter for you and pushed the stool under the sink so you won't trip over it.\"\n\nShe replied, \"I'd prefer it if you flushed any stool down the toilet, but as long as I don't trip on it I guess we're okay.\"",
        "id": "5tbltw",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "My girlfriend slept over last night and asked to use my shower this morning..."
    },
    {
        "body": "One day a father tells his son \"You're 18 now, and I think it's time you learned about the birds and the bees, so take this duck and go over to this brothel and see what you can do.\"\n\nSlightly confused, the son heads over to the brothel with the duck and meets with one of the women there. The son explained the situation to the lady and told her that even though he has no money, he does have this duck. The woman thinks for a while, and decides to take the duck as payment since she knew a guy that could help her prepare the duck so that she could cook it for dinner.\n\nSo after they have sex, the woman is flabbergasted at just how magnificent the son was in bed. She even offered him a freebie but being the polite guy that he is, he refused. So the woman, desperate for another round, offered the duck back as payment, the son agrees and so they have sex again. \nLater, the son leaves the brothel with the duck. On their way back home a truck appears, seemingly out of nowhere, and hits the duck, killing it. Feeling bad, the driver offers to pay the son for the duck. Not knowing how much it was worth the son settles for $20. The driver happily obliges, pays him the $20, and they both go on their ways.\n\nFinally the son gets home when his dad asks him \"So son, how was it?\" The son replies \"I dunno dad, you tell me.\" \"Ok, so tell me what happened\" replied the dad. The son replied \"Well dad, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 20 bucks for a fucked up duck.\"",
        "id": "5tblib",
        "score": 12,
        "title": "A memorable first time"
    },
    {
        "body": "I went to a urologist because the head of my penis was itching.\nHe told me I had an infection and that I should soak my penis in alcohol.\nThe itching has stopped but now my Jack Daniels tastes funny.",
        "id": "5tbksj",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Itching penis"
    },
    {
        "body": "Either way when I ran over that pedestrian I didn't feel a thing.",
        "id": "5tbkqr",
        "score": 556,
        "title": "I can't tell whether my new car's suspension is amazing, or if I'm a sociopath"
    },
    {
        "body": "...find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z",
        "id": "5tbk7c",
        "score": 32,
        "title": "Why did Vegeta name his son Trunks?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Sorry I meant President.",
        "id": "5tbk0g",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "Americans make the best jokes..."
    },
    {
        "body": "\n\n\n\n\n\nIt's legen-dairy",
        "id": "5tbj8k",
        "score": 13,
        "title": "Have y'all heard of the cow that produces milk that taste like that stuff of myths?"
    },
    {
        "body": "The cancer sucks, but at least I don't have Alzheimer's!\n\nWait\n\nNo\n\nI do\n\nI can feel the edges of my mind unraveling; each piece, once so firmly put together, slowly falling away from my grasp. To know that the mind, the seat of who you are, can simply... disintegrate, like a mighty sandcastle in the tide...\n\nWell, at least I don't have cancer.",
        "id": "5tbj8g",
        "score": 22,
        "title": "I was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's and Cancer"
    },
    {
        "body": "So they match the stove, the fridge and the dishwasher.",
        "id": "5tbijy",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Why do brides traditionally wear white?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Camembert",
        "id": "5tbii8",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "What's an amnesiac's favorite cheese?"
    },
    {
        "body": "1forrest1",
        "id": "5tbhuc",
        "score": 13,
        "title": "[short] what is Forrest Gump's password?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Why did the little boy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.",
        "id": "5tbhp2",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Ice Cream"
    },
    {
        "body": "I said, \"Na. Pretty sure it is OK.\"\n\nEDIT: Should have switched potassium and oxygen around. Dang it...",
        "id": "5tbhdo",
        "score": 24,
        "title": "I was told that the friendship between sodium, potassium, and oxygen was bad."
    },
    {
        "body": "To chicharr\u00f3n I guess",
        "id": "5tbg14",
        "score": 8,
        "title": "I don't really like food from Spain much but..."
    },
    {
        "body": "One cow turns to the other and says, \"we gotta watch out. I hear mad cow disease has been spreading through the herd.\" The other cow looks towards him and says, \"what are telling me for? I'm not a cow, I'm a duck!\"",
        "id": "5tbdls",
        "score": 15,
        "title": "Two cows are standing in a field in Canada in the year 2003."
    },
    {
        "body": "Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.",
        "id": "5tbcbv",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Organic chemistry is difficult"
    },
    {
        "body": "Apparently I faked it really badly",
        "id": "5tbc0x",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "I faked my death, but hardly anyone attended my funeral"
    },
    {
        "body": "Fo drizzle ",
        "id": "5tbb7x",
        "score": 42,
        "title": "Why did Snoop Dogg bust out an umbrella?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Whats the best thing about being the smartest person in a courtroom?\nKnowing they'll never find the bodies.",
        "id": "5tb991",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Courtroom antics."
    },
    {
        "body": "She'll blow your tax return",
        "id": "5tb98v",
        "score": 33,
        "title": "What's the difference between your penis and your tax return?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I hired a midget butler.",
        "id": "5tb81u",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "The wife and I have recently been blessed with the pitter patter of tiny feet around our house."
    },
    {
        "body": "Because they can't have beef!",
        "id": "5tb7i1",
        "score": 8,
        "title": "Why can't Hindi people fight with each other?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Lemony Snikt\n\n(I'm sorry...)",
        "id": "5tb7ek",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Who is Wolverine's favorite author?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A chicken goes into the library, walks up to the librarian, and says, \"Book.\"\n\nThe librarian says, \"You want a book?\"\n\"Book\"\n\"Any book?\"\n\"Book\"\n\nSo the librarian gives the chicken a novel and off it goes. An hour later, the chicken come back and says, \"Book-book.\"\n\nThe librarian says, \"Now you want two books?\" \n\n\"Book-book.\"\n\nSo she give a chicken two more novels. The chicken leaves but again comeback an hour later. \n\n\"Book-book-book.\"\n\"Three books?\"\n\"Book-book-book.\"\n\nSo the librarian gives the chicken three books, but she decides she'll follow the chicken and finds out what is going on? And the chicken crosses the road, goes down the alley, out of town and towards the woods, into the woods and down to the river, down to the swamp, and there is a bull frog. The chicken sets the books down by him. The bullfrog looks at the books and says, \"Reddit...Reddit...Reddit...\"",
        "id": "5tb6a9",
        "score": 158,
        "title": "A chicken goes into the library."
    },
    {
        "body": "An acidic Jew.",
        "id": "5tb3gs",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "What do you call a Jewish man with heartburn?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Because dat ass is so refreshing!",
        "id": "5tb2n4",
        "score": 8,
        "title": "Are you sitting on the F5 key?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Fantastic Beets And Where To Find Them",
        "id": "5tb1yk",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "Rainn Wilson to star in the next Harry Potter spin off!"
    },
    {
        "body": "Don't worry, I like you.",
        "id": "5tb1oc",
        "score": 37,
        "title": "I only lie to people I don't like."
    },
    {
        "body": " \n \n\nHe only had one shot",
        "id": "5tb0rg",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Why did Eminem only have one biological kid?"
    },
    {
        "body": "ctuation mark.",
        "id": "5tayv4",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Click here to see a pun"
    },
    {
        "body": "\"Is it possible to insert 2 holes through one hole?\"\n\nNobody is able to answer\n\nTeacher: \"You guys are so stupid. Go and ask your parents and come back tomorrow with an answer.\"\n\nThe next day too, nobody is able to answer the question.\n\nTeacher: \"Well, it seems your parents are stupid as well. See the answer is so simple.\"\n\nThen the teacher makes a circle using his thumb and index finger and keeps it in front of his nostrils.\n\nTeacher: \"See, it was so simple, yet nobody was able to answer.\"\n\nThe next day, a student comes up to the teacher and says, \"Sir, my father has asked if it's possible to insert 7 holes through one hole?\"\n\nTeacher: \"No, that's impossible.\"\n\nStudents: \"It is possible, my father said.\"\n\nTeacher : \"How?\"\n\nStudent: \"Take a flute and shove it up your ass.\"",
        "id": "5tay7n",
        "score": 4295,
        "title": "A Teacher asks the students.."
    },
    {
        "body": "DIMM wit.",
        "id": "5taxbf",
        "score": 43,
        "title": "My friend didn't get my RAM joke."
    },
    {
        "body": "... domestic ",
        "id": "5tawx5",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "I like my violence like I like I beer..."
    },
    {
        "body": "They make so much noise a genie pops up,\n\"If you two stop making so much noise and let me go back to sleep I will grant you two wishes each\"\n\nThey agree and the beat goes first :\n\"I want a big dick.\"\n/*Poof*/ Done\n\nThe rabbit thinks about for a while and says:\n\"I want a motorcycle.\"\n/*Poof*/Done\n\nBear says:\n\"I want all the bears in the world to be female and always in heat.\"\n/*Poof*/Done\n\nRabbit gets on his motorcycle and points at the bear:\n\"I want that bear to be gay.\"\n/*WROOOOM*/\n\nEdit spelling.",
        "id": "5tawu9",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "A bear is chasing a rabbit"
    },
    {
        "body": "iStylus",
        "id": "5tavrm",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "I have a pen, I have an apple, uh!"
    },
    {
        "body": "So I don't have to meet their fathers",
        "id": "5tauac",
        "score": 22,
        "title": "I only date black girls"
    },
    {
        "body": "The execution.",
        "id": "5tau9v",
        "score": 20,
        "title": "What makes an ISIS joke funny?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Then we got married.",
        "id": "5tasnf",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "My wife and I were happy for 25 years."
    },
    {
        "body": "You could say it really reflects who I am.",
        "id": "5tasd7",
        "score": 1260,
        "title": "I redid my entire house with mirrors..."
    },
    {
        "body": "A haretic",
        "id": "5tas5r",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "What do you call a lying bunny?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Ha! Get it?",
        "id": "5tas1q",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "How do you call a Medieval midi music? Midival!"
    },
    {
        "body": "The cow says \"mooooooooove over\"\n\nThe chicken says \"fkaaaf\"",
        "id": "5tar2o",
        "score": 13,
        "title": "Load of animals in the back of a lorry.."
    },
    {
        "body": "My mom always blows me off. My girlfriend thinks she's getting replaced.",
        "id": "5tar2l",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "My mom and my girlfriend don't get along. (NSFW?)"
    },
    {
        "body": "The bartender takes one look at him and says, \"We don't serve food here.\"",
        "id": "5taq3b",
        "score": 225,
        "title": "A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a beer."
    },
    {
        "body": "but I got over it.",
        "id": "5tapd1",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "I was going to build a bridge for karma"
    },
    {
        "body": "It was nuts.",
        "id": "5tao99",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Did you see the fight between the walnut and the pecan?"
    },
    {
        "body": "It's long and hard.",
        "id": "5talv5",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Life is a bit like my dick..."
    },
    {
        "body": "He is sooo what the fuck.",
        "id": "5takzo",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "I know a youtuber name SoWTF..."
    },
    {
        "body": "I started stand up and got beat up. Settlement has been a blessing!",
        "id": "5tak7e",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "My Journey from $60k College Debt to $115k Net Worth & 816 Credit Score. And all thanks to this community!"
    },
    {
        "body": "His organ didn't have any stops.",
        "id": "5taizp",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Why did Bach have 20 children?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Because noone ever uses it.",
        "id": "5tair7",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "My Dicks Nickname is Bing"
    },
    {
        "body": "*Ohmmmm...*",
        "id": "5taiiz",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "What do electricians say while they meditate?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I come here too often",
        "id": "5tahzf",
        "score": 8,
        "title": "What does the inappropriate strip club patron say when he finally admits he has a problem?"
    },
    {
        "body": "But at least everyone gets them",
        "id": "5tah22",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "I feel like most jokes about communism are pretty low effort"
    },
    {
        "body": "The font designer leaves sans sheriff.",
        "id": "5tagw9",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "A Font Designer and a Police Officer Walk Into a Bar..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving.\n\nThey are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says:\n\n\"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.\"\n\n\"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon.\"\n\nWith renewed hope, they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.\n\nThere's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.\n\n\"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!\"\n\n\"Luis, maybe ees a meerage?\n\nWe ees in the desert don't forget.\"\n\n\"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon?\n\nEes no meerage, ees a bacon tree!\"\n\nWith that, Luis staggers towards the tree.\n\nHe gets to within 5 yards, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.\n\nMortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:\n\n\"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!\"\n\n\"Luis, Luis miamigo, what ees it?\"\n\n\"Pepe ees not a bacon tree. Ees...\n\nEes...\n\nEes...\n\nEes...\n\nEes...\n\nEes...\n\nEes... a ham bush.\"\n",
        "id": "5tagpl",
        "score": 144,
        "title": "The Bacon Tree"
    },
    {
        "body": "Because they keep smoking the pot.",
        "id": "5tafk2",
        "score": 12,
        "title": "Why do stoners make lousy poker players?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting.\n\nNo, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans (look it up) were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.\n\nI was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. \"Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!\" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. \"How many Indians could there be?\" said by General Custer. \"Looks like a good day for a drive!\" by JFK. \"There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!\" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.\n\nI performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.\n\nLittle did I know.\n\nI now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.\n\nUnfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit-molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.\n\nUnfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: \"It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks.\"\n\nLater on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.\n\nAs if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.\n\nFriends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!",
        "id": "5tafa6",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!"
    },
    {
        "body": "Throw them into the mainstream.",
        "id": "5taf0a",
        "score": 522,
        "title": "How do you drown a hipster?"
    },
    {
        "body": "He is busy making good music.",
        "id": "5tadb6",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?"
    },
    {
        "body": "The sister says \"I'm going down to give blood. I hear they'll pay $20.\"\n\"Wow,\" says brother, \"I'm going to go donate sperm, I hear that pays $100.\"\nThe sister angrily leaves the homeless shelter. \nThe next day the brother seeing his sister leaving the homeless shelter he asks, \"where are you headed to?\"  \n\"Sperm bank,\" she says with her mouth full. ",
        "id": "5tacgt",
        "score": 10,
        "title": "A impoverished brother and sister are trying to come up with ways to make a few extra bucks."
    },
    {
        "body": "He was diploid",
        "id": "5tac5i",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "Why did the full chromosome human go to war"
    },
    {
        "body": "He opens the bedroom window and takes a deep breath. Then, they get into bed together\nand make love. After a while the Chinaman says, \"Excuse me, I am a little tired.\"\n\nHe gets out of the bed, goes over to the window, takes a deep breath. Then he rolls under\nthe bed and comes out the other side. He jumps into bed and starts to make love again.\n\nAfter a while, he gets up saying, \"Excuse me, I am a little tired.\"\n\nAgain, he goes over to the window, and takes a deep breath, then he rolls under the bed and gets out the other side. He jumps back into bed and starts making love once more.\n\nWhen this has happened five times, the girl gets up saying, \"Excuse me, I am a little tired, too.\" She goes over to the window, takes a deep breath of air, looks under the bed and finds four Chinamen there.",
        "id": "5tabkj",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "A Chinaman in Paris picks up a girl and takes her to his hotel room."
    },
    {
        "body": "Dave the Catholic Priest needed a part time job. His salary was still quite low and he needed to save up while on vacation. So he got in contact with Francis, the Bishop, to get help in spreading word around local businesses that Dave was a good, honest chap ready to undertake work.\n\n  In no time at all Dave got a break- fast food. \n\n  He showed up at 7 am for the first day. Jim, an old friend of Francis the Bishop, was sympathetic to Dave's cause and was happy in giving him a dozen hours a week. He was also aware of Dave's one flaw that Francis warned him about: Dave tended to daydream and become forgetful, aloof or even careless during monotonous tasks. This had led to him losing the Church keys on a few occasions. Leading Choir practice in the driving rain was not a pleasant experience.\n\n So Jim was on the lookout and intended to keep a keen eye on Dave's performance. \n\n  \"Dave mate. I haven't trained you in food safety yet. So for this week you're responsible for keeping the joint clean before, during, and after the chippy is open for service. Right. Any questions? Good man,\"\n\n  So Dave was handed reign of all cleaning supplies and tasks. Days 1 and 2 went okay. Dave just about managed to prep the front of shop for the opening, though struggled keeping count of all the bits and bobs in inventory. Day 3 was a struggle. Dave, used to working in leisurely pace found wiping down tables and clearing trash in time quite taxing. More than once he left spray bottles around benches and behind doors. Customers were befuddled and Jim left frustrated at this incompetence.\n\n  Jim stopped Dave on the morning of day 4. Trash was found under tables, counters left too greasy after ineffective wiping, and the supplies were whittled away almost to nothing but a sponge after Dave's mismanagement.\n\n  \"Jim, look I'm really sorry. But I'm getting the hang of this now! Please give me another role if you really don't me cleaning.\"\n\n  So Jim complied. The next day Dave turned up at 6.30 am as per instruction.\n\n  \"Okay Dave. Fresh start. This job is a bit new and I'm sure you'll learn from it too. You need to collect the frozen supplies at the store. They've been paid for so don't worry. Just collect everything and race back in good time. If you know what I mean.\"\n\n  Dave thought he knew exactly what Jim meant. \n\n  \"So long as I drive quickly, I can take the rest of the day off!\"\n\n  Two hours later on what should have been a 15 minute trip, Dave entered the premises with a dejected expression.\n\n  Ten minutes later Jim also wore the same expression, albeit with a scowl and high blood pressure to match; Dave had struck a streetlamp, mounted the sidewalk and blown out a tire in the process because he thought Jim wanted him to *race* back. With the company car out of service Jim was strained to keep things operational. Dave was becoming a liability.\n\n  To the sheepish priest he said, \"Dave. Final chance. I hired you as a favor, not a burden. From tomorrow work in the back with Phil on food. He'll give you something to do.\"\n\n  Dave nodded vigorously, \"Thank you so much Jim! I swear to it- I won't be forgetful or careless. You can count on me!\"\n\n  \"Yeah. Good. Just don't burn this place down.\"\n\n  6.30 am, the next day. Dozens of customers filed in and out every few hours, bellies filled, vinegary lips smacked. Jim didn't see much of Dave. Naturally he was quite nervous. No complaints over the phone for mixed up orders, or hair in the mayo, or dismembered digits in the salad. Maybe he should have put Dave there in the first place. The next day came and went. Another suspiciously uneventful day. Almost too quiet. \"Don't fret too much\", Jim thought to himself later on that Thursday evening. \"Phil was happy with Dave's work and didn't mention any hiccups.\"\n\n  A week passed in this way. Jim was in a good mood to say the least. Sales and profit had nearly increased by 500%; customers were actually leaving feedback on their experience for the first time in months; The company car was back from repairs, costs much lower than anticipated; the takeaway was still not destroyed in a fire, and Phil reported no missing items or mishap in the kitchen. Even Dave was in a good mood, starting and leaving his shifts with a smile on his face and lively spring in his step, giving him an almost surreptitious look.  \n\n  It was nearing the end of Dave's vacation. Jim had just handed the last overtime paycheck to his star employee when he thought to ask something on his mind for a while now, \"Dave, top job. You've done wonders to help this takeaway get back on its feet again. Everyone loves the food. Heck, even people from the next town over are calling in to order! So between us two men- how on earth do you cook so well? The battered fish is the talk of the town, so are the chicken wings- oh and the chips! They're so good they make you want to slap your mama! How have you done it!?\"\n\n  \"It's nothing, really Jim!\"\n\n  \"No, no! Please tell! You're one of us. Even if you're leaving, you can pop around to help any time you want at double your current wages. But please. How have you done it?\"\n\n  \"It's simple, Jim,\" Dave said as he moved to lean forward, closing the gap between his boss. Involuntarily, an excited croak left Jim's throat.\n\n  \"Oh?\" sweat beaded on his forehead.\n\n   \"Simple, Jim. I'm just a good friar.\"",
        "id": "5tab1w",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "A Catholic Priest finds a job."
    },
    {
        "body": "Cancer.",
        "id": "5taazv",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "How do you get gum out of your hair?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Aunt holes. ",
        "id": "5ta8jn",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Where do cousins come from?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Because I don't want her shot. Just her mom.",
        "id": "5ta8g3",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "I call my wife Bambi too....."
    },
    {
        "body": "I guess you could say I made a pho-pas. ",
        "id": "5ta7o9",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "I ate at a Vietnamese restaurant but I used a fork."
    },
    {
        "body": "Friend 2: Yeah sure, why'd you need it for?\n\nF1: Well mines busted and I just wanna call me mum.\n\nF2: Oh no problem mate here ya go, just hit redial.",
        "id": "5ta7e1",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Friend 1: Oi mate can I borrow your phone?"
    },
    {
        "body": "when he comes across a dairy farm. \n\n\"Buenos noches, do you have any cheeze for sale?\"\n\n\"Buenos, nochez\"",
        "id": "5ta78s",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "A man from Wisconsin is travelling in Mexico..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Thank you for your time. Ask me anything.\n\n**EDIT:** Just a moment guys, someone is at my door.",
        "id": "5ta70z",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "I am a legal resident of the United States and I have not paid my taxes for the last 15 years. AMA!"
    },
    {
        "body": "She wandered in the shop for a couple of minutes and finally she stopped and asked the vendor: How much is this one? He replied: Ma'am, that's a fire extinguisher.",
        "id": "5ta6jq",
        "score": 133,
        "title": "An old woman walked into a sex toy shop..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Winnie Mandela ",
        "id": "5ta4n0",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What's black and slides down Nelson's Column?"
    },
    {
        "body": "To show that he was leading the poles",
        "id": "5ta3hj",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Why did Trump stage a photo op of him winning a marathon against a bunch of traffic signs?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.\n\nSo, he inserted his \"manhood\" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.\n\nSoon, he realised that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife ever had. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realised that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis.\n\nHe read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the suppliers\n\nCustomer Service Hot Line with his mobile..\n\n\"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?\"\n\n\"Don't worry,\" replied the customer service rep, \"The machine will release automatically once it's collected ten litres. Have a nice day.\"",
        "id": "5ta2nw",
        "score": 20,
        "title": "Milking Machine"
    },
    {
        "body": "(finish this joke in your head)",
        "id": "5ta26w",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "Knock knock. Who\u2019s there? Smell mop."
    },
    {
        "body": "... I passed out at a frat party I woke up with more clothes on.",
        "id": "5ta199",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "I'm so ugly that when..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Teach a man to jacket and he'll stay warm his whole life",
        "id": "5ta0p1",
        "score": 15,
        "title": "Give a man a jacket and he'll stay warm all winter"
    },
    {
        "body": "You know the most important part of telling a joke?",
        "id": "5t9z4z",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Timing"
    },
    {
        "body": "Thinking he's old enough to learn, he tells the boy 'i'll show you! '\nHe takes his son upstairs where his wife is sleeping in bed. \nHe lifts the sheets and points to his wife's vagina and says\n' you see that?  That's a fanny'\n'Oooh can i touch it?' Asks the kid.\n'No!! You'll wake up the cunt! '",
        "id": "5t9yu5",
        "score": 10,
        "title": "A young boy asks his dad what the difference between a fanny and a cunt is"
    },
    {
        "body": "This is a translation of a Galician joke, feel free to correct any mistake/awkward phrasing \n\n\nA farmer is milking his cow, the cow whips him with her tail. -Fuckin' cow! The farmer keeps milking the cow, and the cow keeps whipping him. At the third whip, the farmer is really pissed with the cow, so he gets a stool, takes his belt off and ties the cow tail to the ceiling -Not so smart now, aren't you? His pants fall to the floor, and in that exact moment, his wife enters the cowhouse.\n\n+Manolo! What the hell! \n\n-Look, if I tell you the truth you would not believe me anyway, so yea, I'm going to fuck this cow. ",
        "id": "5t9yqe",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "A farmer is milking his cow"
    },
    {
        "body": "The 45th president of the United States ",
        "id": "5t9yg0",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "what happens when you take a joke too far?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Embarassed, i asked if i had a pube in my teeth.\n\nHe said no..there's shit on your nose",
        "id": "5t9y4n",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "While examining me, my dentist asked me if i had recently performed oral sex"
    },
    {
        "body": "Where are the parental settings for my virgin wifi?",
        "id": "5t9xws",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Parental settings for my virgin wifi?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Give a man a poisoned fish, and he'll eat for a lifetime.",
        "id": "5t9w78",
        "score": 941,
        "title": "Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day."
    },
    {
        "body": "It's called Instakilo ",
        "id": "5t9uvz",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "I've made this new photo app and it's a thousand times better than Instagram."
    },
    {
        "body": "A Russian submarine was sailing,and the captain felt a huge shake.Confused,he ran to Vladimir and asked him: \"What was that,was it an earthquake or we hit something?\",Vladimir said: \"No Captain,Ivan's girlfriend ran with her lover to Venice\", the captain even more confused says:Yeah,but what's the matter with that and the shake?Vladimir said:Well,there is no more Venice...\n",
        "id": "5t9u1x",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "A Russian submarine"
    },
    {
        "body": "\nA young lady was caught napping one afternoon on Valentine's Day. She woke up when she heard the doorbell.\n\n\"I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day,\" she said to her boyfriend. \"What do you think it means?\"\n\n\"You'll know for sure tonight,\" he replied.\n\nThat evening, the young man arrived with a small package and gave it to his girlfriend. Delighted, she opened it and found a book entitled \"The meaning of dreams.\" ",
        "id": "5t9tzo",
        "score": 22,
        "title": "Valentine's Day Gift"
    },
    {
        "body": "After a while, the waiter comes back with the soup.\nThe guy tastes the soup and frowns at the waiter.\n\"Excuse me, i asked for a steamy soup, and that my friend, is not a steamy soup.\nThe waiter apologizes and tells him that he'll take care of that. \n\nThe waiter comes back with the soup. The bowl is now boiling hot, and he uses towels to grab it.\nThe guy tastes the soup, spits it right out, and yelling at the waiter:\n\"What is so difficult to understand?! I want a steamy soup! I don't want it hot, i want a STEAMY FUCKING SOUP!!! \n\n...\n\nAfter being heated for a long time in the highest temperature possible, and cooked in a maximum heating stove, the steamy soup is finally ready.\nThe waiter needs 5 towels on each side only to grab the bowl.\nThe bowl is carried on a maximum heated plate.\nThe whole restaurant becomes a sauna, and steams covers the entire place.\n\nThe sweaty waiter serves the soup to the guy.\nThe guys tastes the soup, and the waiter tensely looking at him.\nThe guy thinks for a while and than saying: \"now this is what i call a steamy soup! Thank you very much!\"\n-\"Your'e welcome!\", says the waiter, and calmly returns to do his duties.\n\nAfter the guy finishes the soup, a man approaching to him and says:\n\"Hey there, sorry to bother you, but i sat at the table over there and i couldn't help but looking at you! I have to ask you something!\n-\"Sure!\", says the guy.\n-\"You are a pilot, right?\"\n-\"Well yeah! How did you know?!\"\n-\"I can tell by your uniform...\"",
        "id": "5t9sx9",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "A guy walks into a restaurant orders a steamy soup"
    },
    {
        "body": "I laughed and replied, \"Don't be silly, he gave us women.\"",
        "id": "5t9sim",
        "score": 6091,
        "title": "My girlfriend said to me the other day, \"Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?\""
    },
    {
        "body": "She was so excited when I got home and told her.",
        "id": "5t9si9",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Went to Disneyland because my daughter is so obsessed with Mickey Mouse."
    },
    {
        "body": "His alternative fax.",
        "id": "5t9sho",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "What does Donald Trump use when his fax machine is broken?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A citizen orders a Trabant car. The salesman tells him to come back to pick it up in nine years. The customer asks: \"Shall I come back in the morning or in the evening then?\" \n \n\"You're joking, aren't you?\" \n\n \"No, not at all. It's just that I need to know whether the plumber can come at 3pm or not.\" \n\n(Credit to anonymous)",
        "id": "5t9rlw",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "Apparently this was one of the jokes from East Germany before the fall of the Berlin Wall."
    },
    {
        "body": "Alec Baldwin ",
        "id": "5t9r8e",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What do you call an actor that gets employed by trump?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Until I started to share a cell with Bubba.",
        "id": "5t9qmk",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "I used to think morning sex was the greatest thing ever..."
    },
    {
        "body": "It was just an alternative event.",
        "id": "5t9q6j",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "It's not that the Massacre at Bowling Green didn't happen..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Because there is no US-embassy in america.\n\n(from german tv-satire \"Die Anstalt\")",
        "id": "5t9pdh",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Why has there never been a coup d`\u00e9tat in america?"
    },
    {
        "body": "He checked his franz liszt",
        "id": "5t9p46",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "How did the composer find his buddy on social media?"
    },
    {
        "body": "INTERPOL",
        "id": "5t9p2t",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "What organization is the best at curve fitting?"
    },
    {
        "body": "This man walks into a bar and sees a donkey. He askes the bartender why is there a donkey in here the bartender says if you can make this donkey laugh I will give you ten thousand dollars. So the man whispers in the donkey's ear and the donkey started laughing. Then the bartender said if you can make the donkey cry I will give you ten thousand more dollars. So the man turns to an angle where only the donkey can see and the donkey started crying. The bartender couldn't believe it so he asked the man how did you make the donkey laugh then make the donkey cry? He said first I told the donkey my dick was bigger than his, than I showed him. \n",
        "id": "5t9ntl",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Donkey In A Bar"
    },
    {
        "body": "Marzipans!!",
        "id": "5t9nrz",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What do astronauts use to cook in space??"
    },
    {
        "body": "The redneck family down the street always called one of their boys Ant Eater and I could never figure out why.\n\nSo one day they had a party and I was invited, so I stopped by and finally asked, \"Where did Ant Eater get that nick name\". With out a pause Ant Eaters brother said \"Oh because he slept with our Aunt, and apparently he was good with his tongue. So we call him Aunt Eater!\"",
        "id": "5t9n5a",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Strange Redneck Nick Name"
    },
    {
        "body": "But John came in fifth and won a toaster.",
        "id": "5t9n0j",
        "score": 78,
        "title": "\"Come forth and I shall grant you eternal life\", said God unto John."
    },
    {
        "body": "My kid is the bomb",
        "id": "5t9m3p",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "I'm a Muslim parent with an honor roll student!"
    },
    {
        "body": "He saw her sucking someone else.",
        "id": "5t9lkd",
        "score": 22,
        "title": "Why did the cockroach break up with his mosquito girlfriend?"
    },
    {
        "body": "'Cause girl you hot as fuck. ",
        "id": "5t9l7z",
        "score": 62,
        "title": "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?"
    },
    {
        "body": "and after Mass he sits down in the confession booth. He's nervous because this is his first time in confessional after seminary school and he isn't sure if he'll remember what to do.\n\nSomeone walks in and sits down, and starts to confess. \"Forgive me Father for I have sinned, it's been 2 weeks since my last confession.\"\n\nFather thinks for a second, and says, \"Alright my son, you get 10 Hail Marys and you shall be forgiven\"\n\nSecond person comes in, sits down and starts to confess. \"Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I slept with a woman who was not my wife.\"\n\nFather panics a little, settles down and starts to think. \"Ah, yes! I give you 20 Our Fathers and you shall be forgiven my son.\"\n\nA third person comes in and sits down. \"Forgive me father, but last night I got a blowjob.\" \n\n\"Oh, no!\" he though, \"what do I do!\"\n\nSo Father quickly peeks outside and grabs an Alter Boy and says, \"hey what do you get for a blowjob??\"\n\nAnd the Alter Boy says, \"well the old Priest used to give me a snickers\"\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n",
        "id": "5t9l15",
        "score": 184,
        "title": "It's a Priests first day at a new church..."
    },
    {
        "body": "A young jewish son asks his dad for $5 dollars.\n\nThe dad responds shocked, \"$4 dollars? What do you need $3 dollars for?\"",
        "id": "5t9kyz",
        "score": 23,
        "title": "Son asks for money"
    },
    {
        "body": " that I can get a better one at IKEA.",
        "id": "5t9ks4",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Donald Trump's cabinet is so dumb"
    },
    {
        "body": "There would be hell toupee.",
        "id": "5t9knb",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Could you imagine if someone pulled off Trump's hair piece?"
    },
    {
        "body": "But numbers can. \n\n4/10",
        "id": "5t9kjp",
        "score": 97,
        "title": "Words can't express how beautiful you are."
    },
    {
        "body": "Juice",
        "id": "5t9k9v",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "What's a Germans least favourite drink?"
    },
    {
        "body": "After weeks of frustration, he finally decides he is going to go see a doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and eventually makes the diagnosis. \n\n\"Well, there's good news and there's bad news,\" she says.\n\n\"The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure.\"\n\nThe guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. \"So what's the good news?\" he asks.\n\nThe doctor says, \"There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a  baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?\"\n\nThe guy thinks about it and finally says, \"Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it.\" So the doctor performs the operation.\n\nA few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches a point of being painful.\n\nSeeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.  \n\nSuddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.\n\n\"Wow!\" says his girlfriend stunned, \"That was impressive! Can you do it again?\"\n\nEyes watering and face flushed, he says, \"Probably... but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!\"",
        "id": "5t9ivm",
        "score": 423,
        "title": "There was a guy who was having chronic trouble getting an erection."
    },
    {
        "body": "Two hunters are walking through the woods and having a great time. When all of the sudden one falls to the ground, eyes roll back in their head, and it not breathing. \n\nSo the other friend calls 911, \"Help my friend just died and I do not know what to do!?\"\n\nThe 911 operator says, \"Well are you sure he is dead? Can you make sure he is dead?\"\n\nThe operator hears the phone being placed on the ground, and a shot go off. The operator hears the phone being picked back up and the hunter says \"Well now what!?\"",
        "id": "5t9in3",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "Two hunters"
    },
    {
        "body": "Mr and Mrs Grape had it all, almost. They had a great place on the vine, friends and enough Grape money in their savings. The only thing they wanted was a little grape to call their own. They tried and tried for weeks, making intimate grape love everynight with no success. One night they decided to take a break and go visit the circus that just pulled into the vineyard.  \n  \nThe circus was amazing and they enjoyed a peaceful night not worrying about babies, as they were leaving they noticed a small tent off to the side and they entered it. An old wrinkly prune sat in front of a table and spoke to them \"I know what you seek, a child to call your own, I can help you but it comes at a price.\" \"Anything\" Mrs Grape replied \"we have money, antiques, anything!\" \"No, no, no, drink this potion, in 6 nights you will give birth. He will not be handsome, he will not be timid, if you can not love him, you will return to us and he will live here in the circus, yes?\" The prune asked as she handed a small bottle to Mrs Grape. Knowing she would love him no matter what he was like, Mrs Grape drank the potion.  \n \nTrue to the prunes word Mrs Grape fell pregnant, six nights later she gave birth, he was small, very dry, brown and shrivelled. Mr & Mrs Grape tried to care for the little boy, they nurtured him, stayed awake with him, gave him everything they had but he never stopped crying and once he could move he never stopped trying to destroy their house. After several weeks they were exhausted. The little one never grew, he stayed dry, small and wrinkly, the stress was becoming too much.  \n  \nOne day Mr Grape returned from work with a small cage, he convinced Mrs Grape they needed a nights sleep and to decide in the morning if they would return the child to the circus. They locked him in the cage and moved him to the furthest part of the vineyard. For the first time in weeks they held each other and slept. In the morning with a fresh outlook they knew something was not right with their child, they walked hand in hand to the cage, ready to take him to the Prune.  \n  \nMr Grape spoke sadly \"I'm sorry buddy, we've tried, we are exhausted and I don't even think you understand us? We've given it our all but we are taking you to live with the circus. You're just not the child we planned on *raisin*.",
        "id": "5t9h8t",
        "score": 11,
        "title": "Mr and Mrs Grape had it all, almost..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Because Ken came in a different box",
        "id": "5t9gut",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Why isn't Barbie pregnant?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Had a very rough time introducing himself in France",
        "id": "5t9ecc",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Jim apple"
    },
    {
        "body": "No whey!",
        "id": "5t9dzk",
        "score": 10,
        "title": "A bodybuilder told me he hates protein."
    },
    {
        "body": "[deleted]",
        "id": "5t9dri",
        "score": 659,
        "title": "You know what pisses me off most about Reddit?"
    },
    {
        "body": "1 upvote = 1 pray",
        "id": "5t9djo",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "My pet rock died"
    },
    {
        "body": "Alternative Rock",
        "id": "5t9cs9",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "What is Sean Spicer's favorite genre of music?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies \"Yes I do!\" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks \"Where did you get this?\" The guy replies \"Oh I have a personal genie.\" The first man asks \"Can I make a wish? \" Sure says the other man \"Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing\" \"Ok I will\" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says \" I want a Million Bucks \" The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other \" Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?\" The other man replies \"I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC\" \n\n\n\n\n",
        "id": "5t9cf7",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "Can I make a wish?"
    },
    {
        "body": "It almost killed Sigourney Weaver.",
        "id": "5t9bqp",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Trust not the Alien..."
    },
    {
        "body": "The Daily Lama",
        "id": "5t9b1u",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "If Christians have the Daily Bread, what do Buddhists have?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Even if you don't win anything, you'll still be the highest bidder!",
        "id": "5t9aqk",
        "score": 705,
        "title": "Get Stoned Before an Auction"
    },
    {
        "body": "-Knock knock\n\n-Who's there?\n\n-Police.\n\n-Can you wait a little? I'm taking a dump right now.\n\n-We know, this phone booth is transparent. ",
        "id": "5t9an0",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "A guy gets arrested for taking a dump."
    },
    {
        "body": "His dick tastes like shit.",
        "id": "5t99iv",
        "score": 35,
        "title": "How do you know if your roommate is gay?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Because he was Haydn",
        "id": "5t99ad",
        "score": 61,
        "title": "Why couldn't Beethoven find his teacher?"
    },
    {
        "body": "She keeps on digging up the past!",
        "id": "5t97j6",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "My wife's an Archaeologist because..."
    },
    {
        "body": "A rabbi Asked a priest:\n\n>Could you ever be promoted in your church?\n\nThe priest answered,\n\n>Well, I could become a bishop\n\nThe Rabbi asked,\n\n>And then?\n\nThe preist said, \n\n>Well, I suppose I could even be an archbishop\n\nThe rabbi said,\n\n>And if you were to be promoted again?\n\nThe priest answered,\n\n>Well, then I would be a cardinal\n\nThe rabbi inquired once again, to which the priest answered,\n\n>I could become the Pope\n\nThe rabbi asked,\n\n>And then?\n\nThe priest threw up his hands and said,\n\n>what more could I become?\nGod himself?!\n\nThe rabbi calmly replied,\n\n>One of our boys made it.",
        "id": "5t96pb",
        "score": 25,
        "title": "A rabbi and a priest"
    },
    {
        "body": "Look Ma! Not real.",
        "id": "5t96dp",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "What did I say to -1?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A clip-on-tip that attaches to the inside of your suit and peeks out just below the bottom of a guy's swim trunks.\n\nWe're calling it the Billadong.",
        "id": "5t9681",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "I invented the perfect beach accessory for men!"
    },
    {
        "body": "A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, \"I would like to buy some cyanide.\"\n\u009dThe pharmacist asked, \"Why in the world do you need cyanide?\"\nThe lady replied, \"I need it to poison my husband.\"\nThe pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, \"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!\"\nThe lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. \nThe pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, \"Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.\"",
        "id": "5t95t3",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "A nice, calm and respectable lady went into....."
    },
    {
        "body": "Where did you come from?\n\nWhere did you go?\n\nWhere did you come from escargot?",
        "id": "5t95eh",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What does a Frenchman say who lost his dinner whilst trying to find some more?"
    },
    {
        "body": "When you put meat in the refrigerator it doesn't get aids",
        "id": "5t94t9",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator."
    },
    {
        "body": "It was a total buzzkill",
        "id": "5t94d3",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "So i read this story about a woman who got electrocuted when she dropped her vibrator in the bath"
    },
    {
        "body": "This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall. He asks the barman, \"What the fuck is that?\".\nThe barman says, \"It's a Moose.\" The Scottish chap says, \"Fuck me! How big are the cats?\"",
        "id": "5t93mw",
        "score": 287,
        "title": "Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada"
    },
    {
        "body": "A priest, an Irishman, a horse, a gorilla, a twelve inch pianist and an infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.\n\nThe bartender says \"Is this some kind of a joke?\"",
        "id": "5t93d3",
        "score": 10,
        "title": "A priest...."
    },
    {
        "body": "Each time he spreads a couple of her legs she says: It's not here!",
        "id": "5t92lu",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "Why did the cockroach break up with his centipede girlfriend?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. \nUnfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. \nAfter a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.\n\nThe following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve. \nHe was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, \nfishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.\n\"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?\"\n\"I didn't have to,\" Steve replied.\n\"Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my \nsorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, \n'Surprise'. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and \nshe said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,' So, Here I am!\"",
        "id": "5t924n",
        "score": 112,
        "title": "Steve and his buddies were hanging out and....."
    },
    {
        "body": "You get repossessed. ",
        "id": "5t91r5",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What happens if you don't pay your exorcist?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Broke-back Mountain",
        "id": "5t913k",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "What is Bane's favorite movie?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A De-nihilist.",
        "id": "5t90or",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "What do you call a person who is not a nihilist?"
    },
    {
        "body": "The 45th President of the United States. ",
        "id": "5t8z6d",
        "score": 38,
        "title": "What happens when you take a joke too far?"
    },
    {
        "body": "So I decided to quit cold turkey",
        "id": "5t8yll",
        "score": 14,
        "title": "My doctor told me I was eating too much meat"
    },
    {
        "body": "*\"I've just heard the funniest joke about Stalin... ever!\"*\n\n*\"Well, go ahead and tell us.\"*, the other Judges ask.\n\n*\"I can't. I just gave someone a life sentence for it.\"*",
        "id": "5t8yfh",
        "score": 13,
        "title": "In Soviet Russia, a Judge bursts into his chambers laughing"
    },
    {
        "body": "\"You are like Satan!\" screamed Joe.  \n\n\"Their Mom says, \"Shh, Joe thats offending.\"  Once Ann left, she said, \"Offending to Satan!\"",
        "id": "5t8wfa",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Ann and Joe are having an argument"
    },
    {
        "body": "He is singing: My life is amazing, dumdumdum, my life is long, dum dumdum, dumdumdum dumdumdum dumdumdum",
        "id": "5t8vo4",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "A rabbit is walking on the railways"
    },
    {
        "body": "Barium",
        "id": "5t8uzb",
        "score": 15,
        "title": "What do you do with dead scientists?"
    },
    {
        "body": "\nBecause he was a little hoarse...",
        "id": "5t8uec",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "Why didn't the pony say anything?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I hate how every time I come home and go to the kitchen my flat mate has spilled milk everywhere. How dairy ",
        "id": "5t8udg",
        "score": 17,
        "title": "Spilt milk"
    },
    {
        "body": "What don't you understand? I told you, I don't fit in a male box!",
        "id": "5t8so2",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "What did the over-sized transgender postcard say to the UPS driver?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A megasoreass.",
        "id": "5t8smq",
        "score": 143,
        "title": "What do you call a gay dinosaur?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Man: A policeman accidentally inserted his truncheon in someone's umm, ahh, mm.\n\nOther Man: Rectum?\n\nMan: Damn near killed 'em\n",
        "id": "5t8skk",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Reading the news today."
    },
    {
        "body": "and John Wick 2",
        "id": "5t8rdg",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "There are only two people I know who can kill 70+ people in 2 hours. John wick..."
    },
    {
        "body": "So they don't blow up when you fuck 'em.",
        "id": "5t8qsg",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Why do you wrap hamsters in duct tape?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A nun is walking down the street. As she passes a dark alley a man grabs her, pulls her into the alley, rips off her clothes, and ravages her in the most obscene manner possible.\n\nAs the man is zipping up the nun wails, \"Oh No! How am I going to tell Mother Superior I have been sexually violated twice!\"\n\nThe man says, \"What do you mean? I only did it once.\"\n\nThe nun leans back and says, \"Yeah, but you're going to do it again, aren't you?\"",
        "id": "5t8qj5",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "A nun is walking down the street..."
    },
    {
        "body": "[deleted]",
        "id": "5t8q5h",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "How do you make an idiot wonder?"
    },
    {
        "body": "As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that\u2019s a little condescending.",
        "id": "5t8q13",
        "score": 2316,
        "title": "There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence."
    },
    {
        "body": "Donald Trump",
        "id": "5t8pf3",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "What do you call a situation where a train wreck is happening right in front of your eyes and you can't do anything about it?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Call me by my new pronoun:\n\nxeR",
        "id": "5t8p1p",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "I identify as all real numbers."
    },
    {
        "body": "Toto: I know, I miss the rains down in africa",
        "id": "5t8om6",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "Dorothy: Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore"
    },
    {
        "body": "\"That's pooposterous!\"",
        "id": "5t8n3k",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "What did the caveman say when he stumbled upon a pooping dinosaur?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Allahu Snakbar.",
        "id": "5t8mo9",
        "score": 22,
        "title": "What is The ISIS Cafeteria called?"
    },
    {
        "body": "After ww2 most of the (still alive) yugoslavian jews moved to Israel.\n\nShlomo shekelowitz decides to stay in yugoslavia just to test the new socialist regime.\n\nAfter a year he moves to israel.\n\nOne of his old friends sees him and asks\n\nSCHLOMO! Long time we did not see each other ! How is it in Yugoslavia ?\n\nSchlomo responds : \"I couldn't complain\".\n\nHis friend responds : \"Why did you move here then ?\"\n\n\"I couldn't complain\", Schlomo repeats",
        "id": "5t8mky",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "A Yugoslavian jew moves to israel"
    },
    {
        "body": "He cried. Then he hugged my sister and me.",
        "id": "5t8mkr",
        "score": 29,
        "title": "I told my dad to embrace his mistakes."
    },
    {
        "body": "I've been getting 8 wanks a day.",
        "id": "5t8k01",
        "score": 13,
        "title": "My wife got diagnosed with Alzeihmers and Parkinsons last week."
    },
    {
        "body": "Where is my tractor?\n\n(I am so sorry).",
        "id": "5t8ipm",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, \"I would like to buy some cyanide.\" The pharmacist asked, \"Why in the world do you need cyanide?\" The lady replied, \"I need it to poison my husband.\" The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, \"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!\" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, \"Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.\"",
        "id": "5t8h6y",
        "score": 272,
        "title": "A lady goes into a pharmacy and asks for cyanide..."
    },
    {
        "body": "He beats the devil out of it.",
        "id": "5t8h5a",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "How does Bob Ross exorcise his paint brush?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Me and my friends had an argument about what was more fucked up,  one of my friends said necrophilia,  the other said bestiality. I would've said both... But I didn't want to beat a dead horse. ",
        "id": "5t8fwt",
        "score": 70,
        "title": "Me and my friends had an argument.... [NSFW]"
    },
    {
        "body": "A man's newsletter tells him about a pun contest they are holding. The person who submits the best pun will win $10000. The man thinks,\n*I could really use that money!*\nSo he decides he will submit some puns. In the hopes of winning the $10000, he submits 10 puns in one letter. He hoped and prayed that at least one pun would win it for him.\n\nBut no pun in ten did.",
        "id": "5t8ftk",
        "score": 8,
        "title": "A pun contest..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Government-funded construction projects almost never run over their time",
        "id": "5t8f52",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "People are saying that 3.5 years to build the wall is too long, but I'm not worried"
    },
    {
        "body": "George Zimmerman has never shot a cactus.  ",
        "id": "5t8f2i",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "What's the difference between a BMW and a cactus?"
    },
    {
        "body": "No homo.",
        "id": "5t8eo9",
        "score": 40,
        "title": "What did the chimpanzee say to the human?"
    },
    {
        "body": "9-Juan-Juan",
        "id": "5t8e91",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Who do you call when you get robbed in Mexico?"
    },
    {
        "body": "He was very fat.",
        "id": "5t8e1x",
        "score": 14,
        "title": "Three kids walk into a Pole"
    },
    {
        "body": "Because when you put one shoe on, the other one is left.",
        "id": "5t8c28",
        "score": 68,
        "title": "Why do you always put your left shoe on last?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Oh, brother. ",
        "id": "5t898v",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "What did the Alabaman wife say to her husband when she found out he was cheating?"
    },
    {
        "body": "The man wakes up in the middle of a night and runs down stairs but the thieves escape over the fence so he calls the police. The police get to his house and ask what happened; the mans says: \"Well the robbers took off with my personal computer and nothing else before I scared them away\", the police officer says \"Did you get a look at them? Can you give us a description?\" the man says \"Well it was dark and I was only half-awake... but if I had to guess, I'd say they looked looked like the kind of people that would download child porn\".",
        "id": "5t87ma",
        "score": 257,
        "title": "Two thieves break into a man's house..."
    },
    {
        "body": "it's OK for a kid to have a pixie stick in their mouth.",
        "id": "5t86wr",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Whats the difference between Jared Fogel and a pixie stick?"
    },
    {
        "body": "The other says \"No, but I've been swung around by the tits.\"",
        "id": "5t866s",
        "score": 82,
        "title": "Two prostitutes are hanging out on a corner in the 70's when one asks the other, \"Hey, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?\""
    },
    {
        "body": "They're both unstable.",
        "id": "5t862w",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "What does uranium have in common with a mental ward patient?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Stepping outside in the morning to find a foot on the roof of your car",
        "id": "5t85rk",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "What's the worst part about a blizzard in a leper colony?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Seagull With Diarrhea told another that it barely Made It To Crowded Beach In Time.",
        "id": "5t81tp",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Seagull with diarrheia"
    },
    {
        "body": "\"Meh...\"",
        "id": "5t8158",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "So I asked a sheep how it is to be a sheep."
    },
    {
        "body": "But they'll get over it.",
        "id": "5t80w3",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "So I know the Mexicans probably think the wall will be too expensive..."
    },
    {
        "body": "\"Mommy,\" says the child, \"am I adopted?\"\n\n\"No, sweetie,\" replied the mother. \"We haven't managed to find someone who will take you.\"",
        "id": "5t80kf",
        "score": 19,
        "title": "A mother and her child were hugging ..."
    },
    {
        "body": "She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit and, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar she asked, \"What man here will buy a lady a drink?\"\n\nThe bar went silent as patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, \"Give the ballerina a drink!\"\n\nThe bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.\n\nShe turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, \"What man here will buy a lady a drink?\"\n\nOnce again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, \"Give the ballerina another drink!\"\n\nThe bartender approached the little drunk and said, \"Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?\"\n\nThe drunk replied, \"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!\"",
        "id": "5t801q",
        "score": 519,
        "title": "A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress walked into a bar in Dublin."
    },
    {
        "body": "The third one ducks. \n\nI'm sorry. I'm sure many have heard it before. But I haven't seen it here.",
        "id": "5t7zyl",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Three men are walking along, two of them walk into a bar..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Bartender says \"sorry sir we don't serve your kind\" mushroom says \"why.... I'm a fungi\"",
        "id": "5t7zvm",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "A mushroom walks into a bar...."
    },
    {
        "body": "\"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you will never have to feed him again.\"\n\nDonald 20:17",
        "id": "5t7zqh",
        "score": 99,
        "title": "Donald Trump was once asked if he could quote any Bible verses."
    },
    {
        "body": "Fuck if I know",
        "id": "5t7zkn",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino."
    },
    {
        "body": "bank accounts",
        "id": "5t7z89",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "BREAKING: White House staffer leaks that the President was surprised to learn that Checks and Balances didn't refer just to..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Donald Trump\u2019s tie.",
        "id": "5t7ys6",
        "score": 534,
        "title": "What\u2019s 18 inches long and dangles in front of an asshole?"
    },
    {
        "body": "He's in a logging camp in the middle of nowhere and everything is going great. After a couple of weeks he's talking to his foreman when he says, \"I notice there's no women around for miles, what do you guys do to satisfy your needs?\" The foreman hands him a map and tells him to follow this to the biggest tree in the Forrest, there is a hole in the side of it. Just stick your dick in there and you will feel better. The new lumberjack was put off by this idea and decided to pass. But, after a few more weeks he was getting antsy and decided to make the hike to the tree. When he gets there he sticks his dick in and is amazed, it feels just like fucking a woman. He was instantly hooked. He started visiting the tree every night, sometimes more then once and would just go to town fucking the shit out of that tree. One night on one of his trips he sticks his dick in and nothing happens, it feels like just sticking his dick in a wood hole. He goes back to foreman and tells him he thinks the tree is broken. The foreman says, \"that's strange\" he pulls a clipboard off the wall and says, \"oh, no its your turn to be inside the hollow tree.\"",
        "id": "5t7yi6",
        "score": 27,
        "title": "A guy gets a job as a lumberjack"
    },
    {
        "body": "*hebrews* it!",
        "id": "5t7y94",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "How does Moses make his coffee?"
    },
    {
        "body": "The rotten bitch split on him!",
        "id": "5t7xdc",
        "score": 101,
        "title": "Why did the necrophiliac get a divorce?"
    },
    {
        "body": "They're just glad they don\u2019t live in China.",
        "id": "5t7v2q",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "Dogs don't love you..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Government :- No, that's illegal and irresponsible. \n\n18:- Can I go $40,000 into debt for education??\n\nGovernment :- we encourage it.",
        "id": "5t7tgs",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "18:- can I buy a bottle of wine?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Because they prefer whites",
        "id": "5t7t5n",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Why do Nazis like dentists?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Make me one with everything :)",
        "id": "5t7sn3",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "What does the Buddhist order from the hot dog stand?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Mom made him seek help for his Viagra addiction.",
        "id": "5t7s1q",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "My dad always lived by the motto \"Work hard, play hard.\""
    },
    {
        "body": "over to help. \"Judas, please set the table. \" Judas complies and sets the table. \"Judas, put the food on the table.\" Judas places the food on the table.  \"Judas, please call everyone to the table. \" Again, he does as he is told and gathers everyone. \n\nAs they are enjoying the feast Jesus planned and had Judas serve, Jesus gets really serious and says,\" This will be my last supper with you.\" He pauses and continues, \" One of you will betray me.\" \nAt which point Judas throws his hands up in a huff,\" Why do I have to do everything around here?!\"\n",
        "id": "5t7rz4",
        "score": 127,
        "title": "Jesus is setting up for supper and he calls Judas"
    },
    {
        "body": "It's expensive, but I'm sure they'll get over it. ",
        "id": "5t7q5m",
        "score": 12,
        "title": "How is Mexico going to be able to pay for the wall?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Honestly, somebody tell me because I have no fucking clue.",
        "id": "5t7pp1",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "What's the difference between Donald Trump and 5 year old?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Both cost more than they're worth and create the illusion of superiority without ever delivering.",
        "id": "5t7omf",
        "score": 82,
        "title": "What do new iPhones and Donald Trump have in common?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A brick",
        "id": "5t7n4b",
        "score": 14,
        "title": "What's red and bad for your teeth?"
    },
    {
        "body": "[removed]",
        "id": "5t7kpr",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "What did the muslim in America say ?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Lettuce turnip the beet.",
        "id": "5t7kau",
        "score": 43,
        "title": "What did the D.J. say to the Vegetable Farmer?"
    },
    {
        "body": "The cheesier the grater!",
        "id": "5t7k93",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "You know what they say about jokes"
    },
    {
        "body": "There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, \"If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!\" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had \"fallen\". \n\nThis seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. \n\nThe priest said, \"You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.\" \n\nThe Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. \n\nBefore the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, \"I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week.\"",
        "id": "5t7hx0",
        "score": 5905,
        "title": "Adultery Code"
    },
    {
        "body": "I replied, \"I don't know; it's hard to keep track\".",
        "id": "5t7hqm",
        "score": 928,
        "title": "My boss told me, \"You are the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?\""
    },
    {
        "body": "He didn't have the heart to tell her she was accidental.",
        "id": "5t7h6z",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "Did you hear about the musician who named his daughter Sharp?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Extra drumsticks!",
        "id": "5t7fzf",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?"
    },
    {
        "body": "The executive is overworked getting stressed and decide to take some time off from work and visit his cousins who live in a farm in the country side.\nHe calls his cousin who is more than happy to have him over since they haven't seen each other in years.\nWhen the executive gets there he notices that not much has changed since the last time he was there, a long time ago. He is filled with nostalgia and starts feeling better already.\nThey have coffee and chat for a little bit and the executive says he wants to do some farm manual labor to take his head off work and forget about the city life for a while.\nThe farmer says there is plenty of work to do around the farm and the executive can help him. So the farmer tells him to wake up early the next day and meet him at the stable.\nWhen the executive gets to the stable the next day the farmer shows him piles of bags and say:\n- This is all the horse manure we collected for the past 3 months. Your job will will be to spread it over that empty field to fertilize the soil for the next season.\nTwo hours later the executive is done and goes to ask his cousin what else he can do.\nThe farmer is surprised. \"This usually takes us a whole day! I only planned work for you for tomorrow\".\nSo the farmer inspects the field and is astonished the executive did such a good job in so little time. So he tells him to take the rest of the day off and meet him at he chicken coop the next morning.\nThe next morning the farmer says: \"We got a big chicken order from one of our clients and we have to deliver it ready for processing. Your job will be to cut the chickens head off so we can send them out. Again, two hours later the executive is done and goes to ask his cousin what else he can do. The farmer is surprised now even more. He didn't think his city cousin could manage farm jobs so well.\n\"This usually takes us two days, this is impressive! Meet me at the orange plantation tomorrow morning.\"\nThe next morning the farmer says: \"The orange harvesting wasn't very good this year. We only got this 10 boxes of oranges. Your job will be to separate them in 3 piles, big oranges, medium oranges and small oranges. If anyone is bad just discard it.\"\nTo the farmers surprise, it's the end of the day and his executive cousin is still not back for dinner, so he goes to check on him. When he gets there is sees his cousin working out still on the first box, comparing sizes on two oranges, then picking a third one and changing it's original pile... The farmer is puzzled, screeching his head. \"what's the matter? I thought you would finish this in no time\"\nThe executive looks at him and says: \"I'm an executive. We are really good at spreading shit and cutting heads. But we really struggle when it comes to making decisions\"",
        "id": "5t7fwm",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "The executive is overworked and decide to take some time off and visit his farmer cousins..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Because they were always Ilkhanate",
        "id": "5t7dvw",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Why did no one go to work in Mongolian Persia?"
    },
    {
        "body": "It's the C matey!!!!!\n\nIdk I'm high",
        "id": "5t7dss",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What's a pirate's favorite letter?"
    },
    {
        "body": "The fourth man ducks.",
        "id": "5t7cp6",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Three men walks into a bar."
    },
    {
        "body": "Stay tuned.",
        "id": "5t7cb4",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "Want to know how to keep your guitar sounding good?"
    },
    {
        "body": "They hit too close to home",
        "id": "5t7a45",
        "score": 298,
        "title": "Please dont tell jokes about domestic abuse..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Doctor : I don't know how to tell you this, but you have got to stop masturbating.\n\nPatient : But why?\n\nDoctor : So that I can fucking examine you.",
        "id": "5t79qd",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "A man goes to a doctor."
    },
    {
        "body": "Denim denim denim.",
        "id": "5t79oh",
        "score": 8,
        "title": "What's super marios favorite type of fabric?"
    },
    {
        "body": "...so if ur a good driver watch out for women turning!",
        "id": "5t79bh",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Woman are turning into good drivers"
    },
    {
        "body": "with people who have issues.\n\nPeople with issues always have alcohol. \n",
        "id": "5t78yv",
        "score": 16,
        "title": "Surround yourself"
    },
    {
        "body": "and there was a loaf of Hovis in the Lion enclosure - so I went up to the zookeeper and said \"What's that doing in there?\"\n\nand he said \"That? That's bread in captivity\"",
        "id": "5t78nq",
        "score": 8,
        "title": "I went to the Zoo the other day"
    },
    {
        "body": "Of Corsican.",
        "id": "5t77vk",
        "score": 21,
        "title": "Can Napoleon return to his place of birth?"
    },
    {
        "body": "The other 20% drive Mercedes",
        "id": "5t76xk",
        "score": 341,
        "title": "Did you know that 80% of Korean businessmen have caddaracts?"
    },
    {
        "body": "And a table...and a chair...and the waiter...",
        "id": "5t76t1",
        "score": 8,
        "title": "A blind man walks into a bar..."
    },
    {
        "body": "She was on the radio, and the dashboard, and the hood.",
        "id": "5t76rq",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "Did you know Princess Diana was on the radio the night she died?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of money next to a horse stall\n\nThe man goes over to the bartender and asks what the set up is for.\n\n\"You pay five bucks to go into the stall where the horse is, and if you can make the horse laugh, you win all the money in the jar.\n\n\"Easy\" the man says. He puts five dollars in the jar, walks up to the horse, whispers in his ear, and the horse starts cracking up. The man takes the money and leaves.\n\nA week later, the man goes back to the bar, where they have the same set up.\n\n\"Same bet?\" The man asks.\n\n\"No, this time you have to make the horse cry\"\n\n\"Even easier\" the man says. So he puts five bucks in the jar, walks up to the horse, and the horse starts crying.\n\nThe man is about to take the money and run, but the bartender stops him.\n\n\"OK, first, how'd you get the horse to laugh?\"\n\nAnd the man says \"I told him I had a bigger dick than he did.\"\n\n\"And how'd you get the horse to cry?\" The bartender asks.\n\n\"I showed him.\" ",
        "id": "5t768n",
        "score": 177,
        "title": "Make the horse laugh"
    },
    {
        "body": "Poop.",
        "id": "5t75vc",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "I love to"
    },
    {
        "body": "No?   \nNeither did the victims. ",
        "id": "5t75od",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "Did you hear about the Bowling Green Massacre?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A man in a trench coat walks by and flashes them. 2 of the nuns had a stroke. The third couldn't reach. ",
        "id": "5t73qa",
        "score": 52,
        "title": "3 nuns are sitting on a bench."
    },
    {
        "body": "Who the hell is putting their taint on the beef? ",
        "id": "5t734t",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Every year, millions of people get sick from eating tainted beef."
    },
    {
        "body": "He was looking for the man who shot his paw.",
        "id": "5t734j",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "Why did the cowboy orphan cat limp into the bar?"
    },
    {
        "body": "She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes. But it's really because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.\n\n**Edit:** Some people have accused me of \"being a plagiarist\" and \"stealing other's jokes\"... Their words, not mine...\n\n*Pause for comedic value*\n\nBut seriously, this **is** a version of an Ashlee Barnhill joke. Sorry for the bamboozle fellow redditors.",
        "id": "5t72yq",
        "score": 19300,
        "title": "I call my wife Bambi"
    },
    {
        "body": "Fortunately, the rest of the salmon are OK and are peacefully continuing upstream.",
        "id": "5t72kl",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "A Grizzly has attacked a school! Four are dead!"
    },
    {
        "body": "Club penguin ",
        "id": "5t71gt",
        "score": 10,
        "title": "2018 kids won't get this"
    },
    {
        "body": "...and squashes his nuts",
        "id": "5t71em",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "A man attempts a bar hop..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Get in the batmobile.",
        "id": "5t7036",
        "score": 126,
        "title": "What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the batmobile?"
    },
    {
        "body": "*Ca-shew.*",
        "id": "5t6zw2",
        "score": 68,
        "title": "What does a sneezing nut sound like?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Alien: \"Take me to your leader.\"\n\n*Alien is brought to Pres. Trump.\n\nAlien: \"Good one! Seriously though. This is important.\"",
        "id": "5t6z8h",
        "score": 10,
        "title": "2017 First UFO lands"
    },
    {
        "body": "\"Bartender, I vant two martinis, please.\"\n\"Dry?\"\n\"Zwei, du amerikanisches Schwein!\"",
        "id": "5t6y0w",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "A nazi spy goes to a bar with a friend"
    },
    {
        "body": "Six feet under a cesspit, till you can no longer hear his screams.",
        "id": "5t6y03",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "A plane crashed on the border of two countries, and everyone dies except the pilot. Where you do you bury the survivors?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Because you're 2/10. ",
        "id": "5t6w9o",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "Hey girl, are you today's date?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Tony Stark is in an electronic dance club, he's very upset that the D.J is playing subpar music and that the bar is closed. All of this makes Iron Man- Stark raving mad.",
        "id": "5t6w2p",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Iron Man at a dance club"
    },
    {
        "body": "Turns out, the correct term is conjoined twins.",
        "id": "5t6umf",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "I met two hipsters today"
    },
    {
        "body": "I think I've got Irritable owl syndrome. ",
        "id": "5t6r33",
        "score": 21,
        "title": "I can't stop shitting out feathers."
    },
    {
        "body": "I knew he liked them young but that is fucking ridiculous.",
        "id": "5t6qwi",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "Since Valentine's is approaching, my friend posted \"I love my girlfriend <3\""
    },
    {
        "body": "He worked it out with a pencil. ",
        "id": "5t6pl9",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?"
    },
    {
        "body": "It's really giving me a run for my money.",
        "id": "5t6pjl",
        "score": 48,
        "title": "I bought a treadmill the other day..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Now I have the world at my feet.",
        "id": "5t6pjf",
        "score": 11,
        "title": "I was really unsuccessful and unpopular until I stood on a globe covered in super glue."
    },
    {
        "body": "Home.",
        "id": "5t6ph1",
        "score": 1,
        "title": "What do you call Steve Bannon in a rubber room?"
    },
    {
        "body": "You roll up her sleeve.",
        "id": "5t6pgm",
        "score": 17,
        "title": "How do you get a jewish girls number?"
    },
    {
        "body": "MariJEWana",
        "id": "5t6n6z",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "What do people smoke in concentration camps?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Web designer.",
        "id": "5t6mn3",
        "score": 29,
        "title": "What is the most common job among spiders?"
    },
    {
        "body": "My girlfriend doesn't care. \n\nFunny how different sisters can be.",
        "id": "5t6meg",
        "score": 817,
        "title": "Loyalty is very important for my wife..."
    },
    {
        "body": "A man walks into a bar and sees a bunch of old men sitting around talking and drinking.  He gets up to the bar, and orders himself a drink, and casually listens into the conversations.\n\n\"Yes yes, but number 42.\"  \n\n\"Number 42?  Two fifty eight.\"  \n\n\"Are you kidding me?  Thirty three my friend.  Thirty three.\"\n\nThe man looks at the bartender and asks, \"Hey what's with the numbers?\"\n\n\"Oh they're just talking politics.  Same group, day in and day out.\"\n\n\"But what's with the numbers?\"\n\n\"Well, they got tired of re-hashing the same old arguments over and over.  So they just gave them a number.\"\n\nA man in back shouts, \"Fifty two, as always.\"\n\nBartender says, \"See, fifty two means he's accusing the other guy of making an appeal to stone, which is a logical fallacy in which a statement is automatically dismissed as ridiculous without taking the evidence into consideration.\"\n\n\"Wow, that's amazing.\"\n\n\"Not really.  I've been listening to them for years.  Most of them don't even know what they're talking about.  I think you could just throw out random numbers and none of them would know it.\"\n\nJust then an elderly gentleman sits next to him.  The guy decides to give it a try, so he looks over and asks, \"So my friend.  Twenty eight.\"\n\nHe replies, \"Twenty eight?  Bah!  A hundred and thirteen.\"\n\n\"Fifty-two.\"\n\n\"Fifty-two?\" The man raises his voice a little.  \"Seventy three!\"\n\nNot knowing what to say next, the man just spouts off random numbers.  \"Eight nine\"\n\n\"Eight\"\n\n\"Ninety six.\"\n\n\"A hundred and four!\"\n\nThe exchange continues back and forth.  Thirty-two.  Fifty Six.  Seventy nine.  One thirty three.  \n\nThe old man stops and with a huge grin, he says \"Ah ... very clever.  Very clever.  One thirty three.  But Sixteen.  You never considered sixteen. Checkmate.\"\n\nThe guy, still clueless about what they just argued about, looks to the bartender, holds up his finger to motion for another drink and says, \"One.\"\n\nAt that moment, the bar goes silent.  They all look to the man.  The elderly gentleman is furious.  Enraged.  He stands up, and with as strong a punch any octogenarian can muster, he hits the guy as hard as he can, and storms out.  \n\nStunned, the guy recomposes himself.  The bar goes back to their conversations, and he asks the bartender, \"What the hell just happened?\"\n\n\"That was Saul Greenberg, and you just said he's no better than Hitler.\"",
        "id": "5t6m7w",
        "score": 51,
        "title": "A man walks into a bar (semi-original)"
    },
    {
        "body": "A rehearsal.",
        "id": "5t6jc5",
        "score": 12,
        "title": "What do you get when there is a death at a funeral?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A woman gives birth to a baby. Shortly afterward, the doctor comes into the room looking grim faced. The woman sees this and panics.\n\n \"Doctor, is my baby ok?\"\n\n \"Yes\", the doctor replies. \"But, Mrs. Johnson, I must tell you that your baby was born an hermaphrodite.\"\n\n \"A... hermaphro-whaaat???\"\n\n \"An hermaphrodite, Mrs. Johnson. Essentially, your baby was born with the same body parts pertaining to both a male AND a female.\"\n\n The woman thinks about this.\n\n \"So... let me get this straight, doctor. You're telling me that my baby was born with both a penis AND a brain???\"",
        "id": "5t6iel",
        "score": 12,
        "title": "Hermaphrodite..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Doctor: We're sorry, you have Hepatitis B.\n\nNew Yorker: Damn B, what kind of hepatitis?\ufeff",
        "id": "5t6hku",
        "score": 4,
        "title": "A New Yorker went for a checkup.."
    },
    {
        "body": "\"Knock Knock\"\n\"Who's there?\"\n\"I'll ask\"\n\"I'll ask who?\"\n\"Al- ask- a ... It's so cold!\"",
        "id": "5t6gts",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "I came up with a 'Knock Knock' joke"
    },
    {
        "body": "He asked if ive ever shoed a horse before. \n\nI said no but i once told a donkey to fuck off",
        "id": "5t6ena",
        "score": 775,
        "title": "I applied for a job at a blacksmiths"
    },
    {
        "body": "The police",
        "id": "5t6dz1",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "Two tattooed people ride in a car, who is driving?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Funf.",
        "id": "5t6dxy",
        "score": 2,
        "title": "What would Freud say comes between fear and sex?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Negative Juan.",
        "id": "5t6dq8",
        "score": 15,
        "title": "What do you call a pessimistic Mexican doing math?"
    },
    {
        "body": "I woke up to a surprise blowjob today. \nI should really start sleeping with my mouth closed",
        "id": "5t6d8s",
        "score": 371,
        "title": "Surprise bj"
    },
    {
        "body": "\"Iceberg lettuce leaf\"",
        "id": "5t6cln",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "The captain of the Titantic was a vegetarian, his last words were..."
    },
    {
        "body": "A cddle, because u weren't there",
        "id": "5t6bqp",
        "score": 17,
        "title": "What do you call a cuddle with only one person?"
    },
    {
        "body": "He's never gonna give you Up.",
        "id": "5t6akq",
        "score": 5,
        "title": "Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his collection except for one."
    },
    {
        "body": "It's a rap \n",
        "id": "5t6adu",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "What does a rapper say after he's done recording?"
    },
    {
        "body": "So I picked up some vodka and gin on the way home.",
        "id": "5t69zw",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "The doctor told me to drink a lot of clear liquid"
    },
    {
        "body": "All of a sudden a dozen of elephants get out of the corner, see Mammoth, come by and beat the shit out of him.\n\nAfter they left Mammoth stands up, spits broken tusks and says: \"Fucking skinheads!\"",
        "id": "5t697h",
        "score": 7,
        "title": "Mammoth walks down the street."
    },
    {
        "body": "The first orders a pint.  The second orders half a pint.  The third orders a quarter pint.  The barman says \"Fuck you guys\" and pours two pints.",
        "id": "5t66pc",
        "score": 710,
        "title": "An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar"
    },
    {
        "body": "... Mitzvah",
        "id": "5t66ne",
        "score": 13,
        "title": "A Nazi walks into a Bar..."
    },
    {
        "body": "Because he was outstanding in his field",
        "id": "5t664f",
        "score": 121,
        "title": "Why did the scarecrow win an award?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A garbage truck.",
        "id": "5t662x",
        "score": 121,
        "title": "What has four wheels and flies?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A beat boxer ",
        "id": "5t65mo",
        "score": 6,
        "title": "What kind of boxer spits on their opponents face?"
    },
    {
        "body": "It only takes one nail to hang a picture.",
        "id": "5t65jk",
        "score": 30,
        "title": "What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?"
    },
    {
        "body": "A sillycon",
        "id": "5t6557",
        "score": 9,
        "title": "What do you call a clown in prison?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Keep the tip.",
        "id": "5t6548",
        "score": 12,
        "title": "What did the leper say to the prostitute?"
    },
    {
        "body": "Angela Merkel visits Greece. On her way through customs she gets stopped by an officer\n\n'Nationality?' He asks\n\n'German' she replies\n\n'Occupation?' \n\n'No, just visiting'",
        "id": "5t64e6",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "Angela Merkel visits Greece"
    },
    {
        "body": "I was really impressed with how well he had trained it. ",
        "id": "5t63yd",
        "score": 3,
        "title": "Some guy assaulted me last night with a bat ..."
    },
    {
        "body": "He asks the little girl \"Hey, honey, do you know what a phallus is ?\"\n\n\"No mister, I've never heard of it\"\n\nHe then gets his raincoat wide open, revealing the erected object and starting to laugh frantically \"It's this ! hahahahaha\"\n\nTo which the child answers \"Oh I see, it's like a dick, but smaller.\"",
        "id": "5t63ya",
        "score": 39,
        "title": "An exhibitionist cross path with a 6 yo girl on her way to school."
    },
    {
        "body": "After some while, Noah happened upon two snakes sunning themselves. \"Why aren't you multiplying?\" Noah asked. The snakes replied, \"We can't, we're adders.\"\n\nSo Noah and his sons went into the nearby forest and felled some trees. They made a platform of logs onto which they placed the snakes. You see, even adders can multiply on a log table.",
        "id": "5t62ge",
        "score": 16,
        "title": "As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply."
    },
    {
        "body": "Cos he can't! Get it? It's like cosecant. Hahahaha\n\nI made this joke in algebra 2 in high school and the class laughed for like 10 minutes straight. I believe it was the best pun of my entire life. 2 years later when I was a senior people still brought up the joke when these trigonometric identities came up. \n\n",
        "id": "5t61ts",
        "score": 0,
        "title": "Can he simplify this trigonometric equation?"
    }
]